Sadist Start

i stare at the wall. i want to break through it, i want to crush it... for no reason other than my own pleasure, knowing that i did that. I was the one who crushed it into nothing but powder. i have the power to destroy and kill. These thoughts are sadistic, and i need to clear my head. I met a sadist once. online. i meet all of my friends online, and they usually aren't the best people. four of those who I've met online have tried to commit, one because of me, which messed me up forever, and the other actually died. But the sadist seemed to be in a better mental state than my previous online friends. we have only exchanged a few messages, but it seems that he is making an impact on me... i throw my head back and suppress a scream that i have wanted out of my body for about a year now. i get up off of the hardwood floor that was staring to ache. i pace a bit, trying to distract myself from the anger brewing inside by listening to the floor boards squeaking beneath my small feet. But it enrages me more. i am fed up with this life!!! i want the one where the only thing i feel is nothing, where he only thing possible to see is black, and silence fills the void of life, well, more like the absence of it. I am ready to kill myself. my life is filled with anger and hate, mostly at myself. I am ugly, i am irresponsible, i am sick, i am sick, i am sick, i am...i...   ...

I know that i am sleeping, i feel like my limbs weigh a ton, and i cannot move them... in my dream i struggle. i am tied upand laying on the wet grass just before the sun comes up. i feel cold, like really cold. i am not tied up with rope, or line, i am tied up by my own thoughts. my thoughts are limiting my movement, in fact, now... i cannot move at all.