Not half of it

this chapter gives a little bit of background. It does not explain everything, but it says enough to give reader the picture. i figured no one wants to read about the thoughts of a suicidal girl.

i go through this everyday before i get into the shower. i take off my sweat pants and shirt and stare briefly at myself in the mirror. i hate myself. i am going to be 15 in July, i am 5'1 and almost 140 pounds. i have a bit of pudge around my middle and i hate the shape of my legs. i have my blade on the side of the tube, and have a hand towel by the toilet for when i purge. I disgust myself, i have ugly purple scars on my stomach from where i have ripped open my skin with the box cutter blade. i have always cut on my stomach because that is the part of my i hate most. i cut deep too. in a sick hope of cutting out some of the fat hiding beneath my skin. i have been clean for a little over a week now, i don't really count, and i have no new scars on my belly. I have been letting them heal for about a month now. i have resorted to cutting my left wrist now. i wear enough bracelets to hide the thin lines the blade leaves behind. i don't know if i'd actually call it cutting, on my wrists at least. i mean it heals up in about two weeks and it hardly bleeds. i get into the shower. i have had dinner and plan on getting rid of it after i dry myself off. when the fan in the bathroom will drown out the sound a bit. i take long hot showers, and when i get out take an even longer time getting ready to leave the bathroom. i purge. sometimes it's quick, other times i leave nothing left in my stomach. It's gross, really disgusting, but i ate to much. I always eat to much. I a scrap my legs with my knife my friend got me for when we had gone hunting. the skin is ugly and as sick as it sound i like seeing my own blood run down. i swear I'm stable, i mean I've thought about attempting plenty of times, and even going as far as making plans, but i don't really think I an brave enough to do it. I think about slicing open my wrists, stopping the drain in the tub and tying my neck down, i think about not breathing again, and hoping that i won't have to do it myself. As stupid as it sounds that some insane thief kills me or threatens to as i stare down the barrel.  my self hate has ruined my life. it has killed the tie to my best friend. i wen to traditional school last year, 8th grade. Now i am homeschooling for my freshman year. i left my best friends, and eventually, they forgot me. i am always alone, and will always be. Draven an i were close. he was mine, and i was his, until he stopped being mine. he kinda forgot i was there, he had his own friends, his own life while i was stuck at home hating myself. i feel like my life is kinda pointless, and i'm done living it, why shouldn't i be? 

Reviews

[Takoda Sorvillo]

Love it. I greatly enjoy these dark cutting pieces. I am not the person who would harm himself. But I know how it is and where you've been. You have my sympathy

9.9/10

[Trenton Colburn]

you have no idea how much that means to me, as a writer and as person going thru life everyday. thank you so much!