lengthening shadows

A Story by Kira

A girl's suicidal thoughts are threatening to engulf her.

The night is cold and that makes me faster, the crackling of tree branches or something more sinister hiding in the dark. Cars are blazing past, throwing long shadows, grayness surrounded by fluorescent yellow, on the sidewalk in front of me, and I just keep walking because there's nothing else and the darkness is getting to me no matter what I'll protest.

A group of voices in front of me, pushing into each other in midair like an orchestra where every section's playing a different song. The wind's floating away from me so I can hardly hear them, but I do recall them laughing once or twice and I feel so apart from them I can't close the half-foot distance between us and dissolve the bubble that separates me from them. Separate entities, though to anyone looking out the window of their stupid car thundering past in the middle of the night we look exactly the same, just inseperable teenagers. There's a sour taste on my tongue but I don't remember where it could have come from; I haven't eaten anything all day.

And just like that, I whisper to a stop, like I've slid on a thin platform up until this point, and right now that's what it feels like, and it feels cold and wrong when I'm not moving but I won't say that. I turn my head to the side and see the broken bars of headlights beaming past, traveling so far into the night and so fast you can't see it anymore. And like it's the most natural thing in the world, I step off the curb and into the bike lane and it feels like it was a mile and I had to throw my whole body and being into that step but now I'm there at the very border of the street and I've got nowhere to go but forward.

The next step is easier. No cars coming up on this lane, though, for a while; I see headlights down the hill and onward, who knows how far back. One step. Almost center. Almost no cars on the road at night. Almost over and done with and I just feel numb, numb, numb.

I get to the center lane, my movements now easy as breathing, and sit down square in the middle, facing away from traffic, head tilted up into the sky because there are so many stars. How could I not have noticed them before?

I fold my legs, knot them around like a rubber band, and look up at the sky and suddenly there's a shadow on the pavement in front of me, grayness surrounded by fluorescent yellow, and it's getting longer and longer and I still feel so numb, numb, numb.

I look away from the shadow, and inexplicably my eyes fall on the group I was not a part of, still walking, no doubt still laughing and so unlike me. I feel dirty for looking at them, my last thoughts tainted, and I close my eyes and think of him, not wanting to stay for one more second, and I think I'm crying but I still feel so numb

...

"Mai?"

I blink.

"Mai, are you okay? You kind of zoned out for a second."

A stare into the faceless masses in front of me, shadows binding and gagging them, and I look down and there is sidewalk under my sneakers.

Numb.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

Getting There Twister