erasing myself

fade

i think i must have been a kindergarten scribble once

with sparkle in my hair and no shadow in my eyes

i dressed in vibrant colors and i smiled often

and i ran and i scraped my knees and all

my heart was open to all kinds of hurt

and it filled me up like poison

running in rivulets of anger

down the insides of

my brain.

 

i think i must have been a watercolor once

with my little kid skin a cracking eggshell

but i still had room in me for love

this is when i remember my dad

in all his fury, like the bear

we used to call him when

he'd scream that it's

our fault he's

leaving.

 

i think i must have been a line drawing once

most memories spilling and running down

twined with scary-normal interludes

from a family that isn't us at all

so you can't say you're afraid

thrown to the storm

with no more blood

that doesn't mean

no more pain.

 

i think i must have been a chalk outline once

fading like a ghost or a hallucination

with separation tearing me in half

but now that dad's gone, mom

of course had to step in

and something inside of

me is draining away

and i don't smile

anymore.

 

i think i must have been a sillhouette once

with maybe one or two i'd call my friend

then shatter bang who'd have thought

and i'm thrown on the street

with bleeding knees and

i'm gone wondering,

did you ever want

me in the first

place?

 

i think i must have been halfway there once

a ghostly presence, but someone seen

shrinking on my bones, bulging out

notes in books, tears on stars

there was ice in my blood

and blood on my tongue

and the tiny noise

of skin breaking

bleeding.

 

i wanted to be a kindergarten scribble once

i thought i wanted truly to be happy

i thought i wanted people, friends

i thought i wanted loving

i thought i wanted life.

but i am not returning

and the artist has left

my hated shadow

smouldering.

 

_

 

Shadowdy Light Award

Mar 30, 2011

• Darkness Becomes You
• erasing myself

Author's Note

my slow descent into insanity.

Reviews

[J.M]

Well you can definitely write. The structure was great and I loved the idea of using different art techniques to describe your hold on yourself. The plot line was lovely and tragic. But I think my favourite things were the fourth stanza and the way all the way through the stanzas started with 'I think I must have been...' but then at the end it changed to 'I wanted to be..'. This was an amazingly powerful piece and thanks for sharing it!

[Woja]

Wow beautifully painted picture is what you gave created I love this

[CrystalMoon]

i absoluetely love this. the plot is fantastic. very well done.

[Darkbynight]

Woah.... I know that I'm a tad late commenting, but this is freaking amazing! It seems that you've portrayed your intended thought extremely well, and your imagery is fantastic :)

[Calypso]

Amazing! The first line caught me.

[Greg Close]

The depth of emotion here is just intense. Horrifically moving and sad, yet beautifully expressed - both in prose and in structure. You get all of the emotion here with your words without dipping into melodrama, which considering how depressing the whole thing is - that's pretty impressive in and of itself! This is a really good piece.

[Daydreamer54]

Another dark poem and it was also very poetic! great write!

[Bubo]

Firstly, brilliant layout...........falls very well.
Such a truly sad poem, full of reflection and hurt..........and insanity works in odd ways........this is more a cry from the heart, just wanting time and love......very emotional and well written.