Pain

A short reflection on pain. [last entry on Flamie's journal, dated March 27th sometime 2300 hours]

When you feel pain, you would hate it as it's...well...pain. It's uncomfortable, it's pressuring, it's natural. And when you hate it, you resist it, when you resist it, it gets significantly worse. There are times when letting go of something removes the pain. But there are times where letting go worsens the pain and even causes the pain sometimes.

But I discovered something today on my Final Day as me, as who I am, that whatever decision we make, to hang on or to let go, would lead to pain. Never none, only less or more. And that's the beauty of it. The beauty of allowing pain or resisting pain to happen.

Either which way, the pain reminds us of something we did wrong, of someting we did right. The pain reminds us. Of something, of anything, of everything. I loved someone, and I still do, and he said to me that regardless of what happens, whatever we choose, reality around us carries on, with us included. And he was right. He's leaving soon, and so are my friends, whatever few remained if any; but they all leave by their choices, by their own reasons, and by their own paths full of a great many things.

I now know that pain may subside, but it will never completely go away. The pain will always remind us, will always mark our life, the lives we used to have. And for that, pain, is something that we should always keep close, but never let it consume. Nostalgia, love, insecurities, all that stuff, the things that make us...well, us.

And yes, pain drives us mad. It drives us to stop others from falling to it, yet it also drives us to do it to others. It drives us to do something, yet it also drives us to do nothing. Pain is a lot like life, a lot like love, they're all interconnected, correlational, and sometimes even causative to each other.

Now, I sit here by myself alone, with my hours numbered, my memories now temporary, and my life on the brink of starting anew. No no no, Flamingdarknezz will not kill himself, I'm not that type of person anymore. But, Flamingdarknezz is a coward, as he chooses to forget. It appears that way. My comments, to my friends, to my enemies, and to him, are caustic now as they always have been. In all clarity, I did it for a reason that they may never understand, and hate me as they will, I find it excusable.

So, they all hated goodbyes (do they really?), so I'll say See You. But will I see them again and remember who they were, what they represented, and what they mean to me? Or will the pain be shifted, as they're all wiped, the cause gone and unknown?

It's only a few minutes left. It's almost time to sleep, it just hurts too much, and I'm so scared now that it ends like this. I'm so thankful, and so sorry, to every one of them. It was horrible, all the things I've done, the burden I've placed on one.

And so, the chapter ends here. But the story, never ends.