Little Brown Eyes

Saving the Lost

Little girl with beautiful dark brown eyes
Can you tell me what lies inside
You are too young to be so broken
To be so forlorn and so alone
Little girl do you have a soul
Please tell me
I'd really like to know
I'd like to save you from your dark path
I see where you're going
And I fear the missing tears that should be making tracks down your young little face
How do I reach out to a a blossoming sociopath


Version Two

Little girl with beautiful dark brown eyes
Can you tell me what lies inside
You are too young to be so broken
So forlorn, alone, shattered, and yet well-spoken
Little girl do you have a soul
Please tell me
I'd really like to know
I fear the missing tears
that should be making tracks
down your dark angel face
But you are empty and out of place
I see where you're headed
And it leads to death
I want to save you from your dark path
Tell me how
do I reach out to a a blossoming sociopath

Reviews

[Aethereal]

Yes, we see ‘em everywhere these days, those lost little girls: I was inspired to write this tiny gift poem for you which you may keep as your own:

Little Girl

She’s cold and broken,
bent by trauma.
Her eyes have spoken
of great drama.
Falling down the rabbit hole,
now she searches for her soul.

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you for your review and another priceless gift!

[Kristina Moulaison]

You paint such a vivid picture here of this hardened girl. I loved " I fear the missing tears that should be making tracks". This oozes with concern and understanding, yet it also made me chuckle at the end just because you said it so dang well. :)

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you for your review. Please let me know what you think of the edit.

[Kristina Moulaison]

I do like the edited version. I like the the dark angel face and the I see where you're going and it leads to death. Good changes!

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you. I shall keep both versions then.

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

A really touching piece. I think there are many people who see strife and inwardly want to help.

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you for your review and I think many see, but not enough do.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Oh, phoenix, it's beautiful. So touching and sensitive. I love it.

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you. Please let me know what you think of the edit.

[Bright Ocean Star]

I think I like it better the first way you had it. It is still good, but there was something about the way it was earlier today that touched me deeply.

[FlamingPhoenix]

Thank you. That's what I needed to know. I've restored the original and placed version two below. I used to write mainly prose, and it was not too bad. After a decade of not writing, my creative expression was resurrected and I've focused tremendously on rhyme. I didn't do that with my original of this piece and your critique has served as a sign for me that perhaps it's time to let the focus on rhyme go for awhile.