The day he went missing, the day everything changed, I disappeared, too. I knew exactly what had happened, even if no one else did. I had felt it. Jesse and I had always had that connection, and that was why I knew there was an excellent chance he wasn’t coming back. Not dead, not yet, but beyond my reach. Beyond anyone’s reach. I knew Jesse was a capable person, that he could handle nearly anything life dished out, but this was different. He was being faced with the one thing he couldn’t deal with, his greatest weakness and fear, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Even now, I could feel the pain he was in, both physically and emotionally. Especially emotionally. My heart ached for him. And that was why I was here, holding a silent vigil out in the middle of nowhere, isolated, alone, not a living soul for hundreds of miles.
The portals that existed all over the castle where Jesse and I and 6 others lived were extremely useful when one wanted to be alone, as they opened onto landscapes found all over this strange new world we had accidentally stumbled upon. However, all 8 of us knew where each and every portal was, having made a point to find each one. But the one I had entered through was one I had found quite by accident, and never mentioned. I kept meaning to, but for some reason never had. This one I had found in my own room, and it opened onto a frozen wasteland, where nothing could be seen except the occasional low hill, and the endless fields of ice and snow. The portal was in a rare outcropping of rock, and I had found a snug cave nearby. So there I lay, curled in layers of blankets I had purloined from the castle, still dangerously cold, staring out into the vast empty plains where the wind never ceased, unthinking, unfeeling. Noticing only what that faint channel to Jesse told me was happening. I don’t know how long I lay there, days, anyway, eating handfuls of snow to slake my thirst when it became too much.
Another day passed.
And then another.
And then still another.
It seemed that time had long ceased to have any meaning. I guessed only roughly at each day that had passed, so focused was I on Jesse’s own struggle for survival, for that was what it was. Each thing he feared, every dark secret he shoved away, never to be thought of again, had come to haunt him, in whatever dark place he was in now. I longed with all my heart and soul that I could help him, but this was impossible. I had to wait in fear for many, many days, until the trial came to an end. So, of course, I knew when that happened. I had felt his pain grow and grow, nearly crushing him with every breath he took, until somehow, some way, he mustered a massive burst of strength, and fought free of the nightmares holding him. I felt it as he used that strength to battle his way back to the castle, and I felt when he returned, bedraggled, ¾ dead, but still, in some way strong, to a well deserved hero’s welcome. Yet still I did not move. I continued to stare across the wasteland, lost in feeling what he felt. I could feel how he had changed. More than should have been humanly possible for one person to change in so short a time. He had had death handed to him, thrown at him, shoved on him, whispered in his ear in honeyed voices, and still he chose life, even when all seemed lost. And so he had created himself anew, a changed person, still someone I loved, but he was no longer Jesse. Had I had no connection with him, I would have been able to great his return with joy and gratitude, and maybe even awe, but feeling what he had gone through and who he was now, I was frozen in indecision. Could I return to the person I loved with all my heart, and expect that to go on as it had, if that person I loved no longer existed? I wasn’t sure I could.
Occasionally, I still checked on the other 6 people living in the castle. My connections with them were much weaker, but still useful. I knew they were looking for me, especially Jesse and Lana. A distant part of me felt bad for staying where I was, but not a big enough piece to change my mind. But these connections were what let me know that someone was approaching my hiding spot. I spared a very brief moment of surprise.--how had Eric found me? I hadn’t told even him about the hidden portal—before that emotion, too, faded into the background, along with everything else. Thus, when he finally found me, I didn’t even acknowledge his existence, but lay as I had for days with hardly a movement, on my back with my hands pillowing my head, staring out into space, hardly blinking, hardly breathing. To his credit, he said nothing. He knew me far too well for that. I think he could see the look in my eyes. No one was home. I wasn’t there. Words would be wasted. He gazed at me for a long moment, then simply lay down next to me and pulled me close.
A long, long time later, I really noticed his presence for the first time. Slowly, slowly, I began to come out of my shell. As the ice I had encase my heart in began to thaw, the pain started to register more fully. The heartache I had been keeping at bay came flooding back with a vengeance. Still vacant, tears began to fill my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to feel that level of pain. I whispered my first words in longer than I cared to think, my throat bone dry, voice rusty and grating from disuse.
“I’m going to miss him so much.”
He didn’t ask what I meant. He didn’t try to comfort me. He wasn’t confused.
“I know.” He said. And somehow that opened the floodgates, just hearing the warmth in his voice broke whatever shields i had left.
Hot painful tears spilled over my cheeks, flooding down the sides of my face, for a long time. Not once did I make a sound or allow my face to alter one little bit. However long later, when I got a grip on myself, I slowly turned to face him fully, and looked in genuine surprise into his eyes. Recently I’d been distancing myself from him, for both our sakes. It made it easier, at least a little bit, to say further from him, avoiding being alone with him much. He hadn’t noticed my doing this, which was the point. I’d mentioned it jokingly once or twice, but...as a rule, I didn’t get physically or emotionally close to him anymore. After a month of that habit, it was extremely strange to see him so close and openly compassionate. He saw the question in my eyes, and understood it for what it was. He answered as silently as I had asked, but I understood anyway. That didn’t matter right now. He was just trying to help. A wave of gratitude crashed over me. I had missed him desperately.
“It’s time to go home Calli,” he whispered. “Come on, they’re all very worried about you, especially Jesse, you know him, he blames himself.”
“Does he?” I wondered aloud. And somehow, that made it so much better. There was still enough of who he was left that he still cared…..maybe, even though he had changed, he could still be…my Jesse...
He drew me gently to my feet, steadying my for a moment while my body got used to standing again. I carefully scrubbed my face dry, until no evidence of tears was left. This would still most likely be a painful reunion, but it was the right thing. I realized how selfish I had allowed myself to be these past days, and was suddenly almost eager to return. Carefully sealing my heart away inside a locked vault, I allowed Eric to lead me back through the portal, into the castle, and back where I belonged.
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