Nightmares

(T) I'm unsure as to where this came from, but I'm very proud of it,especially the first 2 paragraphs; these were the first parts of the 'book' I wrote,and I used it to encourage myself to write more.

She’d been betrayed so many times it had become an assumption. They’d say ‘hi’ and she’d smile, knowing that one day she’d return to her haven, escaping the pain by creating her own. It wasn’t her fault her wings had withered and her halo had become rusted and dull. No, it was the blackened souls that had tainted her innocent complexion, dusting the sparkle away from her hazel eyes, sweeping it under the carpet. It was their fault her body was so tired and her soul long gone, scarred by the fire that was forever scorching her fingertips. It was their trail of destruction that fell behind her and their sullen path of tragic despair that lay in front of her, forcing her to take the blame, its ensnaring claws eternally closing in on her.

This time it was different. This time the demonic claws caught her, pulling her writhing body into a hellish pit of darkness as she struggled to keep her grip on life, but she was not strong enough; one by one she could feel her fingers letting go. The piercing screams of the damned kept prisoner in the fires below her ripped through her spine and chilled the very core of her existence. The smell of the sulphur was so great that she could smell it at the back of her throat, and could feel it burning in the pit of her stomach. Time and time again she had been threatened with this destiny only to be hauled back into some pathetic excuse for reality, but now reality had failed her and the pessimisms of her absent soul had taken over. It twisted her fragile mind and moulded it into some freak of art. Her flesh was fiercely ripped from her body, revealing her tragic, once innocent heart, now darkened and infected by a thousand fatal diseases. This two was diminished and her empty corpse was left, doomed to walk the underworld restlessly for all eternity…


This had been her nightmare for nigh on three months now. Every night she would wake up sweating and exhausted only to find herself once more in the real hell some liked to call Home. But this was no home for her, for she had become numb to the mechanical touch of those around her, confiding only in herself, cherishing solitude. The only times she could feel were in those short, blissful moments when she was truly alone and she could reveal herself, wounds and scars, and know that she at least had control over something. She originally blamed herself for her pain, and this was her punishment. Then she thought if she hurt herself, no one else could, but of course this was just another falsehood she had fallen victim to. She realised her mistakes now, but this had become a part of her, giving her existence instead of wandering aimlessly; giving her a release instead of dying inside. It was these magical moments that she treasured, for she knew that if she could keep this control, she could banish those claws from her just a little while longer.

Sometimes she used such moments to dream, often one of flying away, where she could skim the sky with her fingers, and grab a handful of stars to call her own. Anything to call her own would be a start. She would dance on the clouds, converting her pain into something beautiful, mimicking the air floating around her and the colours surrounding her, just for one second knowing she was special…but she had made that mistake countless times before, wishing and dreaming. All it had done so far was brought more misery, for she was reminded of things she couldn’t have, of ways things used to be, and of what she had been reduced to.

She’d once dreamt that she’d stay with him forever, because she believed him when he said it. She believed him when he told her she was perfect and that he loved her more than anything else in the world. But that dream had become a nightmare when he left her in the time she needed him most, and, despite his promise to stay friends, he hadn’t been there since.

She’d once wished that she could be five years old again, naive and uncorrupted, making friends with everyone she came across, young and old alike. Not many parents condemn their own children at such an innocent age. Alas, time travel was not an option for her. Neither was being more privileged than other people her age in having a happy family.

And every night she dreamt about that fateful event during Easter. The confusion, the accusation, the savage horror…and once again the betrayal. No, she told herself. Not this time. She wouldn’t let the memories sink in long enough to leave a lasting impression. She put the scissors down and looked at her work. Pulling down the soft cotton sleeve, she picked up her notepad and started writing. What she was writing she didn’t know, just another creation from her crowded mind. She often found it hard to separate memory from feeling, but sometimes this helped her produce artworks that others found helpful and comforting.


REASONS
I feel the tension rising inside me
I try to fight it but it won't go away
It's like a voice inside me
Begging me to give in
Reasoning with me, telling me just once more
Once more won't hurt
Only I know it will and that's why I want it
I can't explain why, it's just a need
Like it will make things alright
The pain outside takes the pain inside away
I'll be in control and I'll get what I want
As opposed to the cold world I live in
They look so tempting, they call to me
I long for the feeling
They sting as I drag and swipe them
Desperatly, angrily, wanting
It starts with one, then a few, then more
Until the emotion inside me is released
It flows through my fingers, through the metal
Onto my skin, where I can see it
And deal with it on the outside
Inside I am relieved and calm
The pressure is gone and I am free
To sleep and to dream for one more night
And live for one more day