Simple Light

Running, jumping through the air
Flying, laughing without a care
Now I climb up the tallest tower
Just to see the sun for an hour

Up here among the soaring clouds
Where most humans are not aloud
And now I truly feel at home
Up here, so high, all on my own

And time goes by
As I still try
To see that simple light again
But this is now and that was then

Author's Note

Things shall change yet time shall always stay eternal

Reviews

[Aethereal]

You’re getting much better. I was inspired to write this gift song-poem for you based on most of your words. It’s in 1/0/1/0/1/0/1 seven syllable meter overlapping 0/1/0/1/0/1/0 seven syllable meter:

Light

Climbing as far as I dare
I scale the tallest tower
as I laugh without a care
to touch the sun’s bright power.

Up here floating with a cloud,
this to me is my true home
noise is not so vary loud,
and my thoughts are all my own.

I’ll climb down as time goes by,
to the world of noise and men.
Soon this light won’t greet my eye,
but my now is still not then.

[FireFox9]

Wow and you came up with this just from reading my poem? Man I've got a long way to go. But I'll try to make more like this but I'll mostly do things my own way.

[Aethereal]

You're welcome! Always do things your way, but try to incarnate possibilities that no one is yet aware of. A poem is an incarnation. Consciousness incarnates possible realities.

[FireFox9]

Good advice and very deep. Very sage like my friend.

[Andy East]

There is a light that never goes out. Very uplifting piece. The mind dances along to the flow of each stanza

[Nusquam Esse]

"Just to see the sun for an hour" feels awkwardly worded, and I don't think it works as well in conjunction to the prior line. Check syllables, and see if you can't make the rhyme more natural. I am also thinking that you misspelled 'allowed' as 'aloud' although I could be mistaken. The first two lines of the final stanza feel a bit too short and lacking of substance, but the second part is excellent. I recommend trying different rhyme schemes. Or attempting some poem formats which do not rely on rhymes. All in all, this has a mystical feel to it, and it is quite powerful in concept. You are improving, and some attempts to better master form, should help you substantially as a poet. Start doing poems which rely on syllable counts, Sonnets, Limericks, Haiku/Senryu/Tanka. It may feel forced at first. You don't need to use them every time, but learning to write those formats, will help you innately write better poetry. What was once forced, will become second nature. When I am imagining lines, I just write what comes to mind, and almost every time the line is within a single syllable from the rest of the poem, which makes it all flow better. I can then go through, and tweak it just a little, and it lets me write structured poems in a fairly natural manner. They will give you a natural sense of flow, and it will show even when you do free-verse. The more you experiment with new styles and formats, the more 'weapons' you will have at your disposal. Writing, like many things, is interconnected. By developing on multiple fields, we help ourselves with the others. Versatility is one of our most powerful tools.

[Stephen]

"Things shall change yet time shall always stay eternal" ~~~ Well said!

~~ Beautiful Rhythmic poem ~~ I simply enjoyed reading all verses. Your first verse`s very impressive, it`s some deep meanings behind its own words. Well written!

[FireFox9]

Thanks I thought it up during a test.