Aquarius Nefarious and the Maniacal Magician

A stage play about two supervillain best friends who meet for dinner and discuss romance.

Aquarius Nefarious & the Maniacal Magician

 

 

 [Maniacal Magician, in a nice suit, sits alone at a two person table in a restaurant. He checks his watch occasionally but mostly sits with his legs and arms crossed and looks smooth and cool.]

 

[Aquarius Nefarious walks in trying very hard to cover up a slight limp. He walks in fairly normally however]

 

MM: You’re late Danny. You’re usually the one complaining about me not being on time.

 

AN: I know but you know how it is at work.

 

[AN sits down in the chair carefully but is also trying to hide that]

 

[AN leans in to whisper his next line]

 

AN: The Patriotic Pirate beat the snot out of me again.

 

MM: You got beaten by that blowhard? What is this the second grade?

 

AN: Hey man for one, I don’t have henchmen like you do, and two that guy knows karate! What kind of pirate knows karate?!

 

[MM leans back with his smile growing and his hands behind his head]

 

MM: The one that kicked your a*s buddy.

 

AN: God man no need to rub it in.

 

MM: Oh you know I’m just screwing with ya. Have a little fun why don’t’cha? Are you always so uptight after an a*s whoopin?

 

AN: Glad to see you haven’t lost of your affinity for being snarky since we last broke bread together.

 

MM: It’s great to see you haven’t lost your weird obsession with over complicating your sentences with big words.

 

MM: So how’s the universe been treating ya my friend?

 

AN: It’s been ok. Lots of “a*s whoopins’”. You?

 

MM: Pretty damn great honestly! White Rabbit and I made the mayor think he was in Wonderland while we robbed him blind! That was a riot!

 

[MM slaps his knee and laughs as he reminisces happily]

 

AN: Yeah, I saw it on the news. I almost fell out of my chair laughing!

 

[AN starts to laugh too]

 

MM: Anyway, how has the world of romance treated you buddy?

 

[AN grows somber]

 

AN: Crappy. I asked Diana on a date to see a movie but she told me I could do impossible things with my anatomy to myself.

 

MM: Don’t worry pal you got out of that one.

 

[MM leans in close and cups his hand to the side of his face]

 

MM: She’s got some key similarities to a female black widow if you know what I mean.

 

[AN bolts upright comically]

 

AN: YIKES!

 

MM: Shhh! Quiet down man, the whole restaurant doesn’t need to hear us!

 

[While he says the above sentence he motions his palms downward to the table]

 

MM: Any new women on your radar?

 

AN: Yeah this one girl. Her name is Laynee.

 

MM: Don’t tell me she goes to the same Laundromat as you.

 

AN: I thought you were “too cool” for that movie?

 

MM: I was bored one night, decided to give it a try. Pretty awesome movie I have to say. “The hammer is my penis”. Thanks to that movie instead of making flowers appear out of the land down under on my dates I just dress up as Bob the Builder and say that line.

 

[AN covers his eyes in shame]

 

AN: Oh dear god I don’t want to hear about your macabre sex life.

 

MM: I prefer the term kinky but whatever rocks your boat.

 

MM: In all seriousness, how are things going with you and Laynee? How’d you meet and all of that jazz?

 

[AN leans back and sighs]

 

AN: She works at the water park I work at. She sells concessions at the snack bar. It was about a month ago she arrived from….the freaking twilight zone for all I know! I’m too damned nervous to even talk to her! I only know her name because she wears a nametag!

 

[AN leans his head down on the table]

 

AN: I need help….

 

[MM taps AN lightly on the head]

 

MM: Chin up Danny, you’ve come to the right place!

 

AN: Is this going to turn into the supervillain version of Hitch?

 

[MM gets even more excited and sits bolt upright]

 

MM: Whose snarky now pal? But in a way yes it will. Listen well and listen good my friend for I will not repeat myself! There are FIVE main points to scoring a date with the woman of your fantasies! If you listen to my advice, you shall be on a romantic candlelit dinner with Laynee within the week!

 

AN: Well don’t keep me in suspense my friend. Let me know.

 

MM: First point: The 3 S’s: Smart, Suave, and Sexy! Women love it when you aren’t a total moron who can only grunt and wave his penis around like it’s the American flag or something! Now be careful that you aren’t a know it all kinda guy. Why do you think that Encyclopedia and Calulatrice are forever alone?

 

AN: They’re snobs?

 

MM: Exactly! Now, about suave; you’ve gotta be one cool cat. Think Top Cat meets Neil Patrick Harris. Have confidence in yourself! Inside of you is a badass waiting to come out and strut his stuff; both literally and metaphorically. Unleash that badass and she will feel her heart a-flutter!

 

AN: I’m not really much of a suave guy Ronald. Hell, how suave can a guy be who has had more special editions of Citizen Kane than dates? I even have more sculptures of the Fantastic Four than I do dates! Or even friends that are girls….

 

[MM leans towards AN and looks serious for the first time]

 

MM: Cut the crap Danny. Remember what I told you about self confidence? Women find self confidence amazingly attractive! Look in the mirror and see a lion and not a flamingo, then become that lion!

 

[MM grins again and things seem to be back to normal]

 

MM: And on to Sexy! Women love sexy guys. Tell me, why does Bison, who is a total dick, get more dates than Matter Man, who is a really great guy? Bison, is hot. Now I’m not attracted to guy’s bodies but that guy has one great body! That guy has abs and pecs like a freakin demi-god! Women are crawling all over him! However you don’t need the body of Hercules to get a date! Just grow a little hair on your chest and get a haircut and you should be good!

 

AN: You know I cannot grow chest hair right? When Radioactive Man hit me in the abdomen with his radioactive beam I lost the ability to grow any hair on my chest….

 

MM: And that leads to point number two, which is Dress to Impress! Who needs pecs when you have a suit James Bond would be jealous of? Get a fedora too! The Mad Hatter is going to jail so all of the hats from his store are being sold on the down low by his ex partner. Go find Harry March and buy a fedora from him and get a suit from someone and voila! Sexy Danny is ready for romance! Oh, and ditch the swim goggles.

 

AN: Why should I do that? These “swim goggles” are state of the art technology passed down the Armstrong line for generations! My family discovered Atlantis for Christsakes! These goggles are as much a part of me as my fingers or my toes!

 

MM: No offense to you but your goggles aren’t exactly sexy attire. If I was a woman, the only water themed things you could wear that would turn me off more are Speedos and Water Wings.

 

[AN gets his adult pouty face on]

 

AN: If I had b***s you’d love to see me in Water Wings and a Speedo…

 

[MM stops smiling and gets a slight touchy tone to him]

 

MM: But you don’t so your argument is worthless. Anyway, they’re freaking goggles. They keep the chlorine out of your eyes at the public pool. Big whoop. Ditch em Danny.

 

AN: They saved me from blindness when Toxic Musketeer went psycho and tried to blind everyone with acid!

 

MM: No ones gonna try to blind you with acid while you’re having a candle lit dinner with the girl of your dreams.

 

[MM smirks and gains his smile back]

 

MM: Now on to point three: Rack up a record! A freakin sweet resume impresses the ladies! Do you think Cosmos Infinity, commander of space matter, gets more dates or ol “Grandma Fetish”, who steals only from older women?

 

AN: Cosmos Infinity is a genderless, emotionless, seventy foot tall space god with no lust or love. And it’s not exactly like its armor made of black holes and stars is particularly attractive, nor is very safe.

 

[MM rolls his eyes and acts kinda annoyed]

 

MM: To hell with the technicalities you get my idea. Stag, Daemon, whatever the name of that evil Kurt Cobain clone is, they get dates because they do badass stuff that doesn’t kill anybody. Women want badasses, not murdering psychopaths like Manson the Mystic (idiot gives us magic types a bad name). Power impresses, not violence.

 

AN: What if, at the public pool, I put in DNA stealing nanobots and put their DNA up for ransom and if they don’t pay me X-amount of money I sell it on the black market?

 

MM: Now that’s thinking villain style amigo! Not a bad idea, but what if your lady friend gets into the water? She’ll learn her DNA has been stolen, and even if you don’t ransom it off, women hate it when you steal their DNA.

 

AN: Good point….

 

MM: Ah you’ll figure it out. Plan an epic evil plan and do it and you will suddenly have random women calling you asking for your hand in marriage.

 

AN: One I think that’s a rather large overstatement, and two, that’s a tad creepy. I don’t want random women calling me. I just want to see a movie and maybe share some sour skittles with her. I just want to make her happy and to make her laugh and to make her feel alive.

 

MM: How many romance novels have you been reading lately?

 

AN: About as many as the number of dirty magazines you read lately.

 

MM: Point number four: The evil laugh! Women love the evil laugh! An evil laugh increases a woman’s interest and arousal by 2000%!

 

AN: Let me guess, you heard that on Manswers?

 

MM: Wikipedia actually.

 

AN: I rest my case.

 

MM: Well, in some cases, it gets you pepper sprayed. But if a girl can’t accept the evil you then to heck with her! If she doesn’t accept you for who you are than she isn’t worth a second of you time Danny!

 

AN: But you’re telling me to change myself so I can get dates. That’s totally contradicting what you just said!

 

[Here comes MM’s “shut up and just listen to me” face again]

 

MM: What’s up with you and technicalities tonight? Jesus this isn’t an exact science here.

 

[AN, being the passive nice guy he is, gets all apologetic and gains a sorry tone]

 

AN: Ok, ok, sorry, continue.

 

MM: And finally, point five: Be Original! The only thing that’s a bigger turn off is being a serial killer who only kills the blind. Well, and being sexist, racist, a bad listener, etc…. anyway I don’t see you having that problem. You’re not an a*s like a lot of guys, and you are not a killer. The big thing is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be unique. A woman doesn’t want to date a guy who mimics the actions of others. Trust me, I tried being Mad Mumbo on a date and Debbie, that was my dates name, walked out on me.

 

AN: I would walk out on you too if you tried to impersonate a villain from the Teen Titans cartoon on a date with me.

 

MM: Not one of my brighter ideas, I admit. However, the point is, being original is key to everything. Trying to impress by imitating others originality is more annoying than Vanilla Ice ripping completely ripping off the opening to Queen’s “Under Pressure” for his song. Just be original and you will succeed eventually. Combine all of my advice and you will find love with Laynee!

 

[AN smiles and extends his hand to shake MM’s. MM then reaches for it and they shake hands while AN says his thanks. When he is done they go back to sitting normally]

 

AN: Thank you for your advice my friend! I’m glad we are friends and that I can talk to you about these things without fear of being judged.

 

MM: You’re very welcome Danny; anytime, anytime.

 

[All goes quiet for a few seconds as they just look at each other]

 

MM: Where the hell is the waitress?

 

AN: I hadn’t even noticed she or he hadn’t come over yet.

 

MM: Remind me to rob this place next. This place has crappy service to say the least.

 

[A good looking superhero walks on stage and sits down at an empty two person table behind MM. He sits down and appears to be waiting for someone]

 

MM: Can you believe The Eagle just walked into here? And just totally passed us by? What’re the odds?

 

AN: I know right? It looks like he’s waiting for a date or something.

 

MM: He looks like he’s recovered quite well from his battle with Darkling.

 

[As AN says his next line, a mystery woman walks in behind and past AN (his back is to the restaurant entrance) and then sits down in the seat opposite the superhero. She walks into AN’s view as he starts to say “didn’t” and he starts to slow down his speech and sound shocked when he sees her]

 

AN: I can’t believe Darkling didn’t….finish….him….

 

MM: What, cat got your tongue? Heck man we just spent the last several minutes going over how you can get a date with Laynee and you are already staring at other girls.

 

[The woman kisses the superhero on the cheek and they begin to talk like a couple]

 

[AN starts to look really depressed and shocked (mostly the latter)]

 

AN:….Laynee…..Laynee is…..The Eagle’s….girlfriend…..?.....

 

[MM leans back to look at her]

 

MM: Are you kidding man? Balls that sucks.

 

[Silence for a few moments. All that can be heard is the conversation between Laynee and The Eagle. Their conversation is really normal everyday couple relationship talk (“How was your day? Is your boss still playing favorites by who has the biggest breast size? You’ll never believe who I saw today…”) but interesting]

 

[AN stands up really fast, knocking over his chair, and raises his middle finger to the ceiling. MM jumps at the unexpected outburst. Laynee and The Eagle swivel around and look at AN with wide eyes and shocked expressions]

 

AN: Universe, you b*****d!!

 

[AN storms off-stage]

 

[Silence for a few moments as the couple turn their attention from where AN walked off to MM, who looks confused and weirded out]

 

Laynee: Is your friend ok?

 

MM: Yeah he’s just….he took radiation to the abdomen. He’s been a bit nutty ever since.

 

[End Scene]

Author's Note

I would file this under "stage play" but whenever I try to publish something under "Stage Play" it will not publish it. So I am sorry for the misleading catagory it is filed under.