Trailer Trash

Starting a new phase of life while trying to shake the chains from the past.

I just found out I was approved for the apartment I was looking at, the one I think I wanted.

For the last six months of my life I've said the only thing that I am unhappy about is where I live.  I really do hate where  I live right now - a trailer.  A run down trailer in a run down trailer park.

Living in this place chains me to a past I've tried so hard to be free from.  When my family moved from New York to Florida for "a better life" we moved into a trailer.  The same trailer in which, 16 years later, my mother died.  The same trailer in which my convicted felon father still lives.  The trailer was supposed to be a stepping stone.  We were supposed to "get on our feet" and find a nice home.  That never happened.

The first solid roof I ever lived in came when I moved in with my now ex-husband.  When I left him, I moved right back into a trailer.   As if the past I had left behind wouldn't let  go.  Perhaps being trailer trash is my birth right?

Don't tell me how a home is a home if you've never heard the rain tapping on a tin roof.  Don't tell me it doesn't matter what your house is made out of if you've never had to worry (not worry, but KNOW) that all of your possessions are gone with the next passing hurricane.

Don't tell me how I'm providing the best I can for the kids if you've never been ridiculed when the bus picks you up in front of your trailer.  I remember in 6th grade watching kids pass a note in school.  When it fell on the floor I picked it up to read about what trash I was in my K-Mart clothes.

For me moving into a trailer wasn't about worrying about hurricane seasons, it wasn't about what others would say.  For me, moving into a trailer with my two young children was returning to a past that I had run screaming from.  From a life I never wanted my children to see.  When I left my family's trailer I left the pain, abuse and addictions behind.  To stary my new life.  To find a better life.  That trailer is a representation of and explanation for all of my short comings and failures.

Or an excuse.

When I move, will I be happy?  Will the unease go away?  And if it doesn't, what then will make that past go away ?   Or will I always just be trailer trash?

Author's Note

Just a start. I actually am a bit freaked out about moving. I

Reviews

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't afraid of moving. I hope the very best for you. You're in my prayers, Debileah... a very good writing...

[Pratibha]

don't freak out...freaking is quite natural and acceptable too...Just accept that you are nervous and move on...stop thinking about anything else and start packing and divert ur mind...
u will see the anxiety is gone...
and indeed this post had me glued ....do keep writing about the various phases of moving and writing will surely ease the anxiety and sharing with us will make you feel better too...

[Kirsty Lee]

Moving...is a new start. You decide who you really are inside. This was a wonderful story, because I loved half my life in a double wide. I was always the "girl from across the tracks." "The girl by the water tower." Well. I got out. I came back to be called " The girl who talks all proper. Who does she think she is?"

Does not matter to anyone what or who or where you are.

It's only what YOU think of yourself.