From Ashes to Glory

This is the true story of one of the saddest and desperate times that I've experienced and how it made me stronger.

 

            The drive home seemed to fly by. I shouldn’t have slept, but staying awake only made me think of what I was going back to. I had such a good time over the past week and it ended too soon. I mean, Mexico was beautiful. I was able to spend time with my family and see things I never thought I would. I felt the sand between my toes and felt the cool ocean water wash over me. I was leaving that. My vacation was over and it was back to the grind.

            What was there to look forward to at home? I had a great boyfriend that I never got to see, given our situation. I was still sharing an overpriced apartment with my ex fiancée and he was living with someone extremely antisocial. My low paying, frustrating retail job wouldn’t allow me to finance a place of my own. Not yet. The hours I worked and my school schedule kept me out of the apartment, but it didn’t leave time for much else. My ex and I were still on fairly good terms, but I wasn’t comfortable living there. To love someone else and share a home with someone you once loved, it was just wrong. What could I do? I didn’t have options. I had no money.

            In my past relationship, there were no particular boundaries. It wasn’t something I was comfortable with, but it existed nonetheless. I was tired. I wanted to spend time with the man that wanted to change my life, but respect out of the other’s feelings kept me from bringing him into my own home. The home I was helping to pay for. The home I kept clean. The home where I had my own rights. I’m not a heartless person, and I thought back on the boundaries we never had, the things I was encouraged to do, and figured, “Why not just ask?”

            I tried to be casual. We were just talking about day to day things. I slipped it in, “I was thinking about asking him over to watch a movie if that’s okay.” There it was and that was all that was there. The words hung. The air felt thick. It was the silence before the storm.

            “Why would you ever think that would be okay?”

            I understood, apologized, and even packed some clothes and left for the night. I knew it would be a while before he calmed down. Though the boundaries never existed, I had crossed them. How that’s possible, to this day, I don’t know. I just knew I should leave. In his anger he could be quite frightening.

I drove to see the man of my dreams and explained to him what I had done. He comforted me, telling me I had done nothing wrong. I was able to stay with him that night and I slept soundly while he held me. The next day I left early to go back and get ready for work. He wasn’t there. My rent money, however, was tossed carelessly on my bed. I folded it back up and put it on the counter and thought nothing more of it.

Work was always the same. The customers were rude. The work was tedious and drawn out, nothing new. Halfway through my shift I received a text message. I didn’t think anything about the ex texting me. We were, after all, still sharing an apartment. When I opened it, my life changed and I didn’t even know it. This I will tell you, unedited. It said this: “Let me explain the money situation. Don’t mistake that for courtesy. I want you the f**k out of my room, the f**k out of my apartment, and the f**k out of my life.” My first instinct was to be angry. How dare he? Everything in that apartment was mine! My mother even cosigned for us. It was more my apartment than his!

Suddenly, my mood changed. He was still angry, very angry. What would he do? If he really wanted me out, what extreme would he take it to? I had to find my supervisor and by this time I was in tears. I explained that I may not be able to enter my own apartment if I didn’t act fast. Seeing me and realizing this wasn’t a joking matter or a ploy to get out of my shift, he let me go.

The drive home was nerve racking. All I could think was: He’s changed the locks. I didn’t know what I would do or how I would get in or what would happen. I checked the time. He worked night shift so he would already be gone. I could call the police if need be. I parked and gathered myself. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. I mounted the stairs, inserted my key into the lock, and turned it. I was in.

            The living and dining room looked the same. It was messy, but that wasn’t unusual. I walked into the hallway and opened the door to my bedroom. That, my friend, was an entirely different story. My furniture had been dismantled. The portion of my rent money he didn’t spend was thrown around the room and clothes were everywhere. We hadn’t been living there long and my schedule hadn’t allowed me to make many friends. My boyfriend was almost an hour away. Not knowing what else to do, I called my instructor from school and explained what was going on.

            “You need to get out of there,” she said. “Go pick up some trash bags. We’ll be there soon.”

            At eleven p.m. she arrived with her boyfriend. I was pacing nervously. “Are you sure he’s at work?” she asked.

            “Yes. He won’t be back until around 7 a.m.” I managed to stammer. “What are we taking?”

            “Everything. You can’t stay here. I have a place you can store it.”

            Two hours later I had it all out. My whole life was packed into trash bags and fit into three vehicles. It was a dismal and bewildering sight. All I had, all of my possessions, my work, my home, in short, was jammed in garbage bags. I lit a cigarette and sat on the sidewalk. While I sat, taking a long drag and breathing it out, she came and sat beside me. We looked at the work we accomplished. She put her arm around me and informed me we still had to unload.

            Twenty minutes later we arrived at another friend’s home. He helped us unload and half an hour later we were done. Mentally, physically, and emotionally spent.

            “What will you do?” she asked.

            “I don’t know. I don’t really have a place to go.”

            “You can stay with me. It’s okay.”

            She had two children and a steady live in boyfriend. Her mom lived next door. I couldn’t impose. After it was all said and done, I knew I couldn’t stay with her. There would be too many questions, too much to explain. I wasn’t ready for that. What were my options? Where would I go? There was only one thing I could really think to do. I called a hotel and took a few things with me. I booked a week long stay.

            The next day was the hardest. I had to go to work and explain my situation. I had to sit down and say those heartbreaking words: “I’m homeless.” It was the first time I’d said it out loud and it torn through me like an unseen blade. It twisted my insides and burned in the pit of my stomach. The lump in my throat was choking me and I knew I couldn’t hold it anymore. I cried. I let the gulping, gasping sobs break me down. I had hit rock bottom and I knew it. I couldn’t see a silver lining or a way out. All I could see was desolation.

            For two months I didn’t have a place to live. I went from hotel to friend’s houses, staying as long as I was welcome or could afford it. I searched for apartments and picked up shifts. I did housework and any other task I could think of to earn extra money. I even started selling my possessions.

One day I got a phone call. My mom had been keeping up with me, comforting and reassuring me. She called to tell me I had a job offer at a medical facility. That phone call saved me as I’m sure she knew it would. I went in for the interview and got the job. It only took a month of hard work and I had saved up enough money to get a place of my own.

After another month, my new home is fully furnished and comfortable. I have a good job and a lot more friends. I’m close to the man I want to spend my life with and even closer to graduating. I have paid off the debt my ex put me into. I came from nothing and managed to make a great life. A life that is far from over. A life that can only go forward from here.

That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to endure. I did have help, but I learned that you’re the only one who can save yourself. No one else can do it for you. Until you hit absolute zero, rock bottom, when you have nothing, that’s when you really start to appreciate the things you do have. That’s when you find out who will stick beside you through thick and thin. You’ll learn to what extremes your mind and body reach their limits. The luxuries and blessings you have and have taken for granted will show themselves quickly. When you reach true desperation and despair, you realize how little it takes to make you happy. Without pain, you cannot truly understand and acknowledge happiness. Without hardships, what are you? Content, boring, spoiled, those are a few examples. You can’t grow and learn and love without the turmoil and bitterness life likes to hand out. It seems to me, the most caring and knowledgeable people are the ones who have had it the hardest.

There will never be a time in my life that I want to repeat those words. I never want to have to tell someone I don’t have a home and I wish no one had to say it. This is something that will be ingrained in my memory until the last breath I have escapes my lips. As bad as it was, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s because I hope that it shapes me into a more intelligent, sympathetic person. I hope that my experiences can teach and help me to understand others. I guess it’s because it’s true what they say: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Author's Note

I know of only one expletive used in this story. Should I still keep it open for all audiences?

Reviews

[Larissa G.]

Simply stunning, Rachel. It held me the entire time, and I loved it. My one complaint: the ending. Is there a way to change it? true story or not, you had to be SOMEWHERE specific when those final thoughts began to form. I'd rather you realize it yourself, within the story/memoir, then have you begin to say it bluntly. It almost felt like a lecture at the end, which was a large contrast with the rest of the story.
But it is true as a whole, and your emotion shines right through the screen. I loved this, and I look forward to more! :)