Emotional Masochist

I am a emotional masochist and I am trying to quiet that part of me ~Thanks to my Boyfriend who has helped me in so so so many ways <3~

I Have A Desire To Destroy Myself

While digging the razorblades deeper into my skin
the next one deeper than the one before
I would always ask myself why was this the answer
why was this the choice i chose
and the answer would always be
because I like the pain

While debating whether I was good enough
to eat that
or that
or anything
I would wonder
Why do I starve myself when I know I shouldn't, when I KNOW it will only destroy me, when I know it isn't worth the thinness?
and the answer always was
because I could be thinner and thinner
and thinner...what does it matter anyways
starving feels nice
having nothing in my stomach and the constant nausea and weakness
is okay....truly
because I like the pain

While in a crowd of my dearest so called friends
I contemplated whether they would care if I was gone
so close to crying
so close to getting up and leaving
so close to going upstairs and jumping out of the school window
so alone, so forgotten, so worthless
and I wondered who am I to think I'm even wanted there
who am I to believe I deserve anyone or anything
and my heart would wrench with every second I was there
and I would tell myself these things over and over and over
because I liked the pain

While I stared into the mirror
tears streaming down my face
wondering if life was even worth it
was anything ever worth it
I realized that my mind hated me
that I was set to destroy everything I was
like there was even much left
and I vowed that I wouldn't end everything
that I could shush these voices in my head and be better
and so I did
even though I loved the pain

So now that I am better
and the voice is kept on a whisper
by all the reasoning in my head
that thinness should not be caused by starvation and calorie counting
and that my skin isn't a canvas to reflect my inner pain onto
that people do care about me and I do make a difference even if to only one person
I still want to hurt
I still want to have a reason to break down into tears
I still want to feel the blade on my wrists and I still want to starve
but I cant allow myself
I need to continue to get better
and I will

even if part of me wants to hurt.

Author's Note

Aye :) say whatever, criticism and random comments are always appreciated ^_^