Rant

A Story by Fay

My personal essay where I rant about my life.

Some days it's easy for me to live my husband - he's kind, caring, introverted, and loving in his own way. The perfect 'husband' material that is shown in media and literature.

But it's not enough. Often, I feel trapped in my own marriage. I should consider myself grateful - he's not abusive, inimitading, and he doesn't harass me. He's fine in the general sense. I am grateful to God for that (yes, I believe in God).

My husband is not my friend. When we talk, it's all related to particular problems and serious discussions. I initiate all the hugs and cuddles, and I'm the one who tells him "I love you." He reciprocates but never initiate. I initiate most of our conversations too!

My husband is not the person I go to when I just want to vent, or chat, or gossip with. He's not the person I run too. I have my sister and my mom for that. I'm close to them and can tell them almost everything. Do I have friends? Yes I do. I have lovely friends I've made in the recent past, and a couple of friends from my past (before marriage). These friends I can talk to.

So what's the problem? I am away from my family. We are continents apart, so it's just my husband and I here in this small town in America. It's a beautiful town and the people are amazingly friendly. I love it here (just don't like the winters!) and I wouldn't change the location for the world.

Sometimes I think about living here alone, if I had a job and was independent (can't work yet, visa issues). Maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely if I were alone. I'd have my freedom and independence. But, I'm here and I'm married and my husband is not my friend.

I crave friendship and companionship with my husband. I don't want to be his 'mistress' where he only shows his love for me in bed. I want the whole marriage package (sans children).

Icing on the cake, I have depression and anxiety. This means I'm just stumbling in a dark tunnel with no light shining my way. On top of that, I have constant buzzing thoughts in my head - worries, where my head won't shut up! It's making me feel like a non-person. Like I'm not normal.

I used to go for counselling, but my husband and family don't believe mental health is real and serious. They just think I'm lazy and not trying hard enough. Only my sister and friends understand. The rest of the time I have to act. Have to pretend that I'm just fine.

I'm not fine. I don't want to follow the traditional rules anymore. Can't I just start over and not get married? (Divorce is not an option - very religious family).

I'm stuck with no way out. I just want to believe again. Please.