To Him

I debated writing this out or sending it to you for days, but there’s something in me that compels me to say everything I need to say to you because I know I probably won’t get the chance to again... writing has always been the best way I can express myself when I have so many emotions running through my head and heart and I know how silly that sounds, but I always have been more expressive like this. I guess that’s why I chose to write to you. To write this to you and I know you’ve heard some of this before, but I’m going to say it again because the truth, to me, is worth everything. I’d rather hear the truth about something, even if it hurts, than to be lied to. I know you promised me you would stay and not leave me, but I also know that sometimes it rains even when it’s not supposed to. You said you would fight for me and our relationship and that I was yours for life and then said ‘so I hope your ready to do the time!’ You said that you was gonna be by my side for everything and that you’ve never been this happy with a woman. You said you hoped one day I would be your fiancé and that you weren’t letting this go and that you weren’t going anywhere. You called me your forever girl and that you didn’t want to lose me and that I was your dream come true. But above all, you said you loved me. The thing is I was down for all of that. I fought for you and our relationship until the very end, hell I still fight for it, even when I know it doesn’t do any good because I was (and still am) ready to be your forever girl- like you said I was. I was (and still am) ready to do the time, but the sad truth to all this is, you aren’t mine and I don’t know if you ever really was. I don’t know where that man went or what happened to him. Maybe he realized that none of that was true? I don’t know, I really don’t and I wish I did. The truth is I wasn’t just your girlfriend or ole lady in the end, I was your fiancé. I was the one person you could call day and night and I would always be there, no matter what time it was or if I was busy. I always made time for you, but did you make time for me? In the beginning, yes. In the middle, yes. In the end? No. You say I changed, but the truth is I’ve always been the person I am today and the reason I lash out and b***h all the time, as you so callously like to point out, is because I’m hurt. I’m so irrevocably hurt and my heart is still breaking. You did the one thing I told myself and so many others that you wouldn’t do. You chose to talk to someone else behind my back. You chose to cheat. That takes a toll on someone who would’ve done everything and anything to be with you. Losing you wasn’t just painful, it was damaging. It wasn’t just missing you all day, even when I was right there beside you. It was me staying up all night or barely sleeping because the thought of you was so f*****g strong I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing your face or waking up in tears. It was me blinking back tears and swallowing the thick lump in my throat when I was at work or you were asleep. It was me crying at random times during the day. It f*****g hurt. It still f*****g hurts and no matter what, it’s going to for a while. I know I wasn’t an easy person to be with. I know that, of course I do. How could I not? I was really difficult and bitchy. At times it probably seemed like I didn’t want you or like you, but I did. (I still do) I probably made you want to scream and punch walls and fight. You probably even hated me at times, but even though all that happened, I had a sweet and caring and loving heart. I did everything for you, regardless of what it did to me, even after we broke up and moved out of your sisters. I wish I could say I hate you for giving up on me. For giving up on us. For hurting me. For making me cry. For making me worry and stress. For ruining what we had. For trusting you and still trusting you. For making me love you. Mostly, I want to hate you because despite it all I still love you. The sad truth is, I can’t hate you. I don’t hate you for breaking my heart. The thing is, I never prepared myself for you leaving or walking away or losing you. I hadn’t prepared myself for what it would feel like when you didn’t text me for days or call. I didn’t prepare myself for faking a smile. I didn’t prepare myself for picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I didn’t prepare myself for this heartbreak because I truly believed you weren’t gonna leave me, but you did. I especially didn’t get to prepare myself for when I see you loving somebody else. I probably should’ve prepared myself for it all, but I didn’t and that’s one thing I should’ve done. I know that now. You were a beautiful time in my life and I will always cherish the things I’m going to miss. Like the taste of beer on your lips. Falling asleep watching a movie, whether that was on your chest or wrapped in your arms, and then sometimes when I fell asleep you’d look at me and I would hear you move or ask ‘are you asleep?’ And I would say ‘no, I’m not asleep. I’m watching the movie.’ And you would scoff and smile and say, ‘no you weren’t. You were asleep.’ I’m gonna miss the ‘I love you more’ fights we had. I’m gonna miss the way you snore, even when you said you don’t. I’m gonna miss the way you don’t talk when you first get up in the morning, but you’ll make gestures on what you want. Like for instance a dip or cigarette and I’m gonna miss how you always have to have a pop in the morning, never water because you said it doesn’t do much for your dry throat in the morning. In reality, I’m simply gonna miss you and everything about you. Because of you I finally understand what true love means.... love means that you cared for another persons happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face may be. That’s how I know I love you because even though you’re not with me, I hope you’re happy with her. I know you were hoping we’d be having a baby while we were together too, not when everything fell apart. That’s the funny thing about life, it has a way of surprising you. I don’t know if you’re happy about the baby or if you’re upset about me being pregnant with him/her, but either way this baby is gonna be loved beyond measure and taken care of. This baby is my saving grace and miracle. It came when I really needed something amazing to happen and I’m not upset about it. I’m happy I’m pregnant and having this baby. Our baby. I thought we were gonna be together when I finally became pregnant too... but things just don’t work out the way we planned. I’m not so naive that I think you’re gonna respond to this either because I know you won’t and that’s okay. I just had to get this off my chest. Thank you for teaching me what it means to love and no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be that person to me. The person who I loved (and still do) despite it all.