Dear John

Dear John 
You remind me of those artificial flowers found at the desk of my tropical beach hotel reception area. You do not remind me of the cliché white beach sands that really do head off into forever. Or the deliciously decadent death by chocolate dessert that I order and the promise promptly delivered. I don’t have it at dinner, that I have in the daytime instead.   
 I keep catching myself smiling at the solitude and silence and that calming constant ocean behaviour.  The repetitions reassure me and beats away the boredom you might believe I had. I advocate to also keep all our adventures in my head and not hold them in my heart  It really is paradise, or have I gone to heaven?  Oh and guess what?  I’ve grown a back bone and now stand up straight instead.  Funny that, it’s true I owe it all to you. 
Back to us however,  I said I would promise to process the idea that you preferred the space and need time, it’s something I’ll never forget. 
But here’s what I’ll miss the most - thoughts as welcome as nightmares never missed : 
•      Meaningful memories of the the time you stocked up my fridge with frozen meals and convenience food as I lay upstairs in bed. As the music drifted on up from the fresh food market down below as now the only thing stale is the lingering of your breathe contaminating the effusion of my virus so inconveniencing your own immune system instead.    Breathe filled with wasted empty air and silence stuck, not you,  instead.   
•      Thanks for teaching me the tricks and tough trade of how to get ahead,  Crafty and cleaver not cunning and cowardly as I once confused.  Always in line, one step ahead, not to lead but just in case I bombed out and bled out instead.  I now remember what it’s like to have only happy thoughts.  You’re right �" chose what to see. At all times shield #1.  Here let me help you put back those blinkers on, turn off the light, cover your eyes, select what to see.  Ignorance is possibly be bliss.   
•      I must sincerely thank you for the experience of knowing what it would be to raise a child.  Especially since I so selfishly decided and let it be known from day one, that I desired not to conceive.  I truly got to experience it.   How ever the micro management, reinforcement, repetition and cost, not to mention unconditional love, that only now I regret to realise, I’ll never relive. 
•      Sorry that I sinfully worshipped the idea that sex, soft porn, experiences and adventures, were welcome. This charade was merely a dress rehearsals but no acknowledgement of real life, Maybe my mind is where actually only ideas of Satan’s sporn reside.  Or I forget was it merely because after years of you so helpfully reminding or reinforcing mental madness, the ones you swore I might regret these memories instead. 
•      The years we spent together, they flew, denial does help one to detach and date denial.  I now look forward to instant Alzheimer’s or maybe we should just return. Rewind and remain in those moments we might miss the most.  Whew wishing Kama kindly steers me away from special specimens such as yourself. 
�" you’re right I now finally agree.  I really don’t deserve you. 
  Promise, I’ll keep my distance

Author's Note

a "dear john" letter

Reviews

[RamblingsOfAMadman]

So heart wrenching... im sorry

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I look back and wonder about some relationships. A waste of time for both of us? Or a learning experience that helped me become who I am today?
I prefer the latter.
I related on so many levels to this piece.
j.

[PhoenixDown]

I hope writing this has lightened you in some way.

[SleeplessVolcano]

Captivating read. The writer, albeit seemingly intelligent, probably should have seen the writing on the wall without years passing by.....

Glad to see that you are still writing.