Day Three:

December 21, 2019

2:30 PM

“ In My Hands

I woke up in a strange place

No sign of home I can trace

Pinching myself hard to see if this is a dream

No, this is reality it seems 

What happened to me? Why am I here?

I did something horrible I fear

I tried to end it all

Please save me from this fall

I’m taking a journey down a dark, toxic abyss

If I died, then will I be missed?

I wish no one cared, no one stare

At the girl who is unfixable and tears

I miss him, I miss my family

Why do I always ruin and create calamity?

So I sit here and ponder

That I really am alive and it’s such a wonder

I’m alive and I have two choices

To give up and listen to the voices

Or become the strong, resilient woman?

Whatever happens, lies in my hands <3 ”

I stared at the poem, for who knows how long, then out the window. Even though it was hard to see out, I could tell there were branches- that looked like claws- scratching against the window.

It looked how I felt.

Something scary was scratching at my chest, in my mind, trying to get out. A beast that I have hidden away from everyone since I was eight years old.

Shaking my head to dismiss the thought, I started to doodle on another page.

Nurse Holly knocked on the door and beamed at me, “Time for snacks. Bring your notebook and water bottle, because we’re going straight to group after.”

She left.

Stretching, I stood up and stepped into my bathroom. Looking into the reflective metal, I closely look into my sunken, brown eyes. I was regaining color back into my face, which made me feel a bit better. I ran my hands through my dark hair and bit the inside of my lip.

This all still feels like a dream, I thought. I was watching my body move and talk, and some things I could control but something else was playing with my strings, like a puppeteer. 

I grabbed my stuff, shuffled out of my room then into the long corridor. Everyone was in the kitchen-dining room area, chatting away. A. J. waved at me, then Owen gave a nod. Waving, I walked over.

“What’s up?”

“I’m so excited!” A. J. giggled, “My mom, dad, and sister are coming to visit me today! Sure, my dad is going to be there, but maybe we can try to talk it out. Listen to each other’s views and make a compromise? That’s what Mr. Grayson says I should do.”

“Mr. Grayson is the best.” grins Owen.

Mr. Grayson was their family therapist.

“What is today’s group about?” I ask Nurse Holly as she makes her way to us.

“Bullying, go through that door left of the kitchen counter, and you will go into the other unit’s main activity room.” 

“Okay,” we all said.

I bit the inside of my cheek.

Bullying. Such an enjoyable topic to touch upon. The typical, teenage movie depicts bullying as being shoved into lockers, swirlies, being called nerd, or being beat up. While only some of those are true, it’s kind of not true. Most of the time it doesn’t happen on schools grounds. I’m surprised that schools don’t promote no bullying on or outside of school grounds. But then again, I guess it’s not surprising, considering that society is more focused on themselves and “if you’re closer to the problem, then you fix the problem.” type of mindset. If they have no jurisdiction in what doesn’t happen on school grounds, then they ignore it. But a lot of the times it starts on school grounds. Sometimes bullying- especially nowadays- is blackmailing, belittling someone for something that is outside of their control, dehumanizing someone that knows what makes them happy and them just living their best life, mocking someone because they have a disability, standing up for themselves (or others and/or a cause), or because they don’t fit their beauty standards. 

But what do I know?

A lot, actually.

When snack time was done, A. J. was still beaming and chatting away about her family. We made it through the door and into the next unit. It made me happy to see that she was happy.

“They say I will most likely be discharged on Christmas! I am so excited! I called my mom last night and she said she got a red Christmas tree and a new dog, named Hudson!” A. J.’s eyes sparkled.

“That sounds awesome, A. J.” I say, as I walk into the main activity room.

Kids from the other unit entered and took a seat. They looked like they were younger than my group. Maybe around their preteens, I thought.

When everyone was seated and the adults counted how many were in the room, Nurse Mike and a lady stood up in front of the room.

“Alright, kids,” Nurse Mike raises his voice over the sea of teens, “today were are going to be talking about bullying. Does anyone want to share what bullying is?”

I and a couple of kids raised their hands.

“Austin, what is bullying?” Nurse Mike points to him.

“Bullying is when someone, or some people, pick on you. Like, pushes you into walls and dumps you in a trash can, kind of stuff.”

“Physical bullying.” says Nurse Mike, as he writes it on the white board, “Any other type of bullying.”

He picked on A. J..

“Verbal bullying. Such as calling people names, telling them things that would bring them down, etc.”

“Another one, Ella?” he wrote it down.

“Cyberbullying.”

“Any others?” he asked, then gestured to a kid sitting in the back row, “Yes, Courtney?”

“Sexual bullying?”

“Elaborate.”

“Well, it can be one-sided, have an imbalance of power, continues after the person rejects them, and intends to cause harm to the other person.”

Nurse Mike wrote down ‘Sexual Bullying’.

“Bullying,” the lady said, “is the behaviour of a person who hurts or frightens someone smaller or less powerful, often forcing that person to do something they do not want to do. There are many types of bullying, but I am glad that most of you labelled this many.” she took a marker and began writing down more bullying types, “There is also emotional bullying and prejudicial bullying. Can someone give an example of one of these types of bullying?” She gazed around the room then pointed to a girl with one side of her head shaved, “Yes, Ava?”

Ava pointed to the cyberbullying term, “Messaging someone anonymously and threatening them.”

“That is one.” said the lady, “Anyone else?”

I raised my hand.

“Yes, Lavender.” says Nurse Mike.

“Prejudicial bullying. Prejudice against someone because of their race, religion, or sexual orientation.”

“Correct.” Nurse Mike said, “Anyone else? Yes, Owen.”

“Umm, emotional bullying. An example is spreading rumors and breaking their confidence.”

“Right. Now let’s talk about how to counteract the bullying and how you can handle situations where you are prone to be bullied. Pull out a pencil and your notebook because you are going to be taking notes. Let’s start with how you counteract the bullying. Write this down in your notes.” she said quickly.

She took a marker and began writing on the white board.

• Look at the person bullying you and tell him or her to stop, in a clear, calm voice

• You can laugh it off (it will catch the bully off guard)

• Ask questions to make the bully reflect on their behavior while not playing into the aggression

My pencil scribbled all the notes down on a fresh page in my notebook. I gazed around the room to see a few people done but everyone else had their head bowed and wrote what she had written in their notebooks. I drew dots on another page while waiting for the lady to continue.

“Okay,” Nurse Mike said, when most kids were finished, he took the other black marker and created the words “Disarming Statements” on another side of the board. “Can any of you think of something to say that would make a bully stop what they are doing or saying?”

A few kids raised their hands.

Owen said, when he was called on, “That’s your opinion.”

“That is a great one.” he wrote it down, “Russell.”

Russell cleared his throat, “Thank you, like, you are taking a

compliment.”

At the end, I looked over my notes.

• Disarming Statements

• That’s your opinion

• Thank you

• That’s cool

• If you say so

• Let’s take a break right now

• What if…?

• Do we need to agree about this?

• Nobody deserves that

• Who am I to change your mind?

“But also, if speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Telling someone, such as a trusted adult, can help you feel less alone.” said the lady.

I wrote that down.

If I were to do any of this to my bullies back home, I would most likely be bullied even harsher. But it’s still worth a try, I thought. I bit the inside of my cheek as memories of what my bullies have done to me replayed in my head.

It might not work, but it is at least worth a try.

It’s better to try, then not tried at all, right?

*       *       *

3:55 PM

When group was done, everyone walked out the door and into their rooms.

Once I stepped into my room, I felt something looming over me. I took a seat at the desk and fished out a vibrant purple, colored pencil from my cup of colored pencils- which I got from the activity room. I opened a new page in my notebook, started to doodle, and allow my mind to wander.

Dangerous thing to do, but it passes the time.

I looked at my hands, my left one tapping the desk in a repetitive two-six-eight and my right one gently gripping the colored pencil. The one thing they had in common was that they have been shaking non-stop all day. Ever since I woke up, they have been subtly trembling.

Did I do something wrong? Did one of my tasks go undone or done incorrectly? Was something bad going to happen to me?

Don’t think about it, I thought, it will only worsen the problem. I am fine. I am fine… Nothing is wrong, I have made sure I have done all of my tasks. No one is watching me, I am safe. I am okay.

“Or are you?”

I didn’t even need to turn around to know who the voice was coming from. I laid my elbows on the desk and covered my ears.

“Go away,” I whispered.

“I am just making sure you did your tasks. You know what happens if you don’t do them. Someone will get mad, disappointed, or drop you in a heartbeat.”

“I did them.” I growled, growing frustrated, “I am fine. You are just a part of my imagination. Go away.”

“Oh, but I’ll never go away.” chuckled the voice, “You’re crazy. You think you did all your tasks? Why not take a look around and see if you can figure out which one you missed?”

I cleared my throat. What if he was right? What if I did miss a task? I… I have to check.

I got up and then I was face to face with Him. He grinned down at me and put his hand around my neck. 

I felt the air leave my body and fear chain me down.

I gasped for air but nothing came out but a scream.

He smiled down at me and covered my mouth with his hand, “Shh, remember they all think you’re crazy. That’s why you’re here, my little Ms. Crazy Girl. Remember that day? You know which one.”

Something flashed before my eyes.

A clear memory that happened not too long ago.

The room was dark, the only light coming through was from the sky light. Desks were all tidied up in neat rows. The door was barricaded with a desk. It was dead quiet, the only sounds that rang in my ears was the sound of raspy wheezing from my own body. I dared not look down, for the surreal would become very much real. The feeling around my throat was much like a snake. Slowly becoming tighter and tighter. The light in the room was becoming darker, and darker, and darker.

I was not alone in the room, however.

They were watching me. Ghosts, of some sort. I couldn’t see their features but I knew they were there.

My body shook and jerked, pain exploding in my left wrist and neck.

Goodbye, I sobbed in my head.

The pain was starting to numb in seconds.

Just don’t think, it will all be over soon…

It will be over soon…

Soon…

Someone’s warm hands gripped my shoulders and pulled me out of the trance.

My vision returned and I saw Johnathan’s face close to mine.

I looked around the room, my vision fading out again, seeing figures rush into my room.

My body trembled and felt weak. The air was getting thinner.

No… Not again.

Not again!

Then suddenly it disappeared, as soon as it came.

I stood there looking at the three nurses and two security guards that were in my room. Nurse Jonathan guided me to my bed and sat me down.

“What happened? Are you okay?” he questioned, examining me.

Disgust made its slimy, revolting way into every atom of me.

There were subtle whispers.

“We did it for attention.”

“We did it for attention.”

“Attention w***e.”

“Why must you make everything about you?”

“No!” I shouted, rubbing my eyes until I saw stars, “No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

Nurse Jonathan pulled my hands away from my face, “Lavender… Take a deep breath and-”

I screamed.

I didn’t want to be alive.

I wanted this to end.

I will end it.

No matter if I am here or not.

The voices and people I see must not continue to live on.

I got up and ran into the bathroom, everyone following close behind. I hid in the shower and cried.

“Okay,” Nurse Jonathan reached for me, “I think we need to go into the break room-”

I shook my head harshly and shouted, “No! Make it go away! Make it go away! Make! It! Go! Away!”

Right as I was about to reach for my neck, two security guys grabbed my arms and pulled me up. Going limp but still resisting, I looked for any way I could stop the voices, anything to stop the voices; but I saw no way of escape.

My airways were collapsing, my heart pounding faster and harder by the second, my body spazzing out, and my mind racing. My wrist hurt but I didn’t care, I wanted the ground to open beneath me and swallow me whole. No… I wanted the whole universe to collapse in on itself and everything was gone.

The voices started again.

“Why can’t you die properly?”

“You’re a failure, even in death.”

“Nothing can get rid of the voices.”

“You’re crazy.”

“They will just lock you up and throw away the key.”

“Crazy.”

“I’m not crazy!” I screamed, as they carried me through the hall, “I’M. NOT. CRAZY!”

When we got to the break room, they opened the door and I saw The Void. But it was white. And it was for crazy people.

And it was calling my name, inviting me into its cold arms.

“Please!” I cried, “No! No! NO!”

They put me down at the end of the room and held my upper arms to try to immobilize me.

“Let me go! I said, let me go!” I sobbed.

“Give her some space. Give her space!” said Nurse Holly.

They slowly released their grip and I dropped to the floor, sobbing. I curled up into a ball, hoping that- if I do this- the world will fade away.

After a minute or two, the people in the room left. Even though they were gone, I could feel their eyes on me still. I bet the cameras in the room are zoomed up on my quivering body to make sure I wasn’t hurting myself; and that person at the door, peeking in through the small window, was going to be there for a while.

I squeezed my eyes tight, despite tears still cascading out.

Maybe if I close my eyes tightly, then open them, will I wake up? I opened them.

Still in the psychiatric ward.

I closed them, feeling my body jerk with every sob that left my mouth.

I’m not crazy…

I am not crazy.

Right?

*       *       *

7:00 PM

Two hours…

Two hours it took for me to calm down.

Then the rest of the time, I was visiting all my counselors and talking about what happened.

My level dropped to a two.

What fun.

Now I have to only have art supplies in my room and cannot sit after meals. But I thank whatever higher power there is that I don’t have to have someone sit outside my door and watch everything I do.

Around ten minutes ago, they let me eat dinner then go into my room for Quiet Time. I felt exhausted and like I had been pulling my muscles for hours.

I laid on my bed and covered my eyes with my arm.

I just wanted some peace and-

Knock, knock, knock.

“Lavender, you have a phone call.” says Nurse Holly, smiling gently.

I sit up and look at her.

Who could it be?

Sliding off the bed, I walked over to her and asked, “Who is it?”

“Your mother.” she smiles, as she leads me to the nurse’s station.

My mother? I wonder if she heard about my incident and that’s why she’s calling. Either way, I was scared to talk to her.

When we were at the nurse’s station, Levi was talking on the phone. When our eyes locked, he waved. I waved back.

Nurse Holly walked me to the other side of the nurse’s station and handed me a phone, “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” I took a deep breath, and put the phone to my ear, “Hello?”

“Lavender? Lavender-baby?” said a soothing, shattered voice.

“Hi, mom.”

I could hear the pain in her voice, and it made me feel even worse.

“Oh, baby, I am sorry I didn’t call sooner. There is this whole process that you have to go through in order to call or visit. But anyways, how are you, Lavender?”

“Eh.”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Mom.” I said, serious, “I am in a frickin’ psych ward. You know what I did to get here.” I sighed. “It just… Hurts. Ya know? I wish I was home. I wish I could hug you guys.”

“And we wish you were here with us too, sweetheart. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too.”

“So, what are you doing? What is it like up there?”

“Talking to you, but if you mean what I was doing before this, I was just…”

Should I tell her? No. Not only will it make her day worse, but it is something I don’t want to talk about, at the moment.

“Chilling, in my room. I am tired and it’s been a long day.” I finished.

“Is it okay if we talk for a little bit then? I just want your company and I miss hearing your voice.”

I felt pain in my heart.

“It’s all your fault.”

“It’s all your fault.”
“Why did you do this to her?”

“It’s all your fault.”

“Yeah,” I shook my head to get rid of the voices, “I don’t want to keep you long, either, I bet you are doing something.”

“No, I have been waiting for this time all day. I wish I could hug you, baby, I wish you were here.”

“So, what are you doing?”

“Oh, you know, watching the two little ones- Hey! Do not- Put them back! Thank you. Sorry,” she chuckled, “they really are getting on my last nerve. Ha, anyways, they are hyper because Dad said that if they behave today they could open something from the stockings. Do anything fun there?”

“We had Pet Therapy. They have this cute little poodle that is named Russ, he is so fluffy; he sits on our laps and we can pet him.”

“That sounds like fun. Anything else?”
“I made some friends. They are pretty chill.”
“Ooo, what are their names?”

“I cannot tell you, mother. It’s against their confidentiality rules.”

“Oh, okay. Well, anyways, anything else that happened there?”

“Nope, nope. Everything is fine.”

“Okay, well, get some sleep, baby. We love you, so much more than you know.”

I felt my hand grip the phone, “Love you too, mother. Tell everyone I love them.”

“Will do. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I waved over Nurse Holly and she took the phone from me. They started talking and I left for my room.

My chest and shoulders felt heavy, like I was carrying boulders all day. My head hurt and I was ready to fall into the sweet arms of sleep.

Once I got to my room, I got on my bed and laid there silently, in the dark. Observing the memories of what happened today.

Do I really want to die?

I don’t know. Deep down, I am scared for whatever is beyond death. But I just want the voices, the hallucinations, all this pain I’ve been hiding for so long, to stop. I want to be normal. I want to be hanging out with friends, I want to be able to focus in class instead of being bombarded by the voices, I want to be able to talk to someone without being scared, I want to make it through the day without being anxious or drowning in my sorrow, I want to do things I love without overthinking everything about it, I just want to be normal.

What is normal?

Definitions say that normal means: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected; or the usual, average, or typical state or condition. So, is it normal for someone to be going through what I am going through, considering that a lot of people around the world are experiencing what I am experiencing? Is it normal to have imbalances in the brain? Is it normal to go through struggles in life and need a little more help than others?

Yes. It is normal.

Then why do I still feel like I’m crazy and that I would only benefit everything and everyone in death rather in life?

That night, I could not stop thinking about how I am going to make it through when I get discharged.

If I ever get discharged...

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I will return later and finish the story. You are doing very well. The story is organized, understandable and worthwhile. Thank you for sharing the amazing chapter.
Coyote

[Lackadaisical Lenny]

Still flowing nicely with the first two chapters. It seems like questioning what "normal" is is either the mark of an anxious or brilliant mind...not sur e which yet myself though, you're definitely not alone.