Preface
There was no twilight above her and no moon, only darkness. The air was still and silent. It seemed the world had stopped. Maybe it had ended. Maybe it had been pulled from underneath her, and in the absence of ground, she’d fallen onto the lands of a new, strange and scary world.
She lay on the ground, a ground that was hard and wet. Sticks and rocks jabbed at her back. Her head ached, a sharp pain that spread from her eyes to the back of her head and from ear to ear. This was one of the many pains she was able to endure.
The world woke up from its lazy slumber. She heard a disturbance from the silence that didn’t come from him. The leaves moved and rustled in the trees before her, out of her limited line of vision. She didn’t turn to investigate. The creature announced itself, a shrill yet beautiful call told her it was a bird in those branches. With the break in silence, she tried to set herself apart from her current situation, and listen only to the song. It didn’t last. The leaves settled, the bird quieted, and no other birds returned its call. The world lay down to sleep again.
Silence.
She couldn’t hear him, couldn’t hear the footsteps she longed to hear. She needed to know where he was, and what he would do next.
The night seemed to grow darker, with ever growing pains, and ever blinding eyes. There was a long, agonizing pause before he did anything else. With this delay in action and noise, she prayed he had finally gone. When she closed her heavy eyelids over her burning eyes, she was presented in her mind with things she that hurt her more to see than any physical pain she now felt.
She remembered her mother. Her mother had light brown hair with a hint of red, that could only be seen in its full potential when bathed under the rays of the sun. She remembered, what seemed like lifetimes ago, the merry go round. It was at the mall, at the very front. A cheery old lady stood at a booth; she took their money in exchange for tokens used to allow them to board the ride. Since the mall was in a small town and didn’t usually have very many patrons, the staff was small. So the same cheery lady with a warm smile and good things to say moved to the gate of the merry go round and took their tokens in exchange for one ride. She remembered being scared to ride the horse. It was so big and daunting, and it overwhelmed her. She feared that she might fall off. She felt safer sitting on the red benches that moved up and down the same way the horses did, with her mother holding her tight, so tight that she could forget being scared and just enjoy the way the bench went up and down and spun round and round.
She remembered that after their shopping, her mother let her ride again. She had gained the courage to mount a white saddled plastic stallion.
Hues of red and purple were missing from the sky, the small sliver of the night she could see between the leaves was jet black, like her father’s eyes. She remembered her father. She remembered the piggy back rides. She remembered that he held her whenever she wanted, wherever they were. He carried her on his back at the grocery store and at the park. She remembered the way he tucked her in at night. They had a routine. Mommy brushed her hair, Daddy fluffed her pillows, and tucked her underneath the blankets. Mommy read a story, and Daddy made all the funny noises and the funny voices to go along with it. Mommy closed the book, and Daddy kissed her forehead. Mommy kissed her cheek, and gave her ‘rabbit kisses‘, twitching nose to twitching nose. Then Daddy put on the night light, and didn’t leave the door open to the hallway. Mommy said goodnight, Daddy said good night, then she-
She could hear him now, breathing hard over her. His breaths coming fast and rough, as hers were coming slow and difficult. Her eyes clouded over, there seemed to be a thrumming in her, a deafening silence, filling her ears and filling her head.
She’d gone too far. She was stupid to think she could change it all. She was stupid to think she could get away. She brought this on, it was all her fault. She made him angry, much angrier than he had to be. He would not forgive her this time. She’d gone too far.
The world spun, so quickly no one could feel the motion. On its axis and slightly tilted, the world spun. A reliable fact. That was the way it was, that was the way it would always be.
Only six years old and her mother told her that. She told her that whenever she had go away, and travel the sky in a huge airplane. She told her that since the world spun, there would always be some moment in time where they were both in the same exact spot in the universe. They would both be facing the moon in the same place, or the sun, at some time. She told her that just as well as she knew that, she should know that her mother would be home soon.
Now, she knew that to be true, and should always be true, until beneath her, she felt the jerking stop of the rotation. With this brought a deeper silence, a deeper stillness. As she waited, she floated. The earth had stopped moving, and she stopped being real, and Mommy would not come home, and she would never go home again either.
She couldn’t think, she was too scared. She couldn’t move, he’d made sure of that. Her hands were above her and bound together. She could move just enough to defend herself, but she wouldn’t try to escape. Not again. She was too tired, and too worn, too void of the will to live. She knew that at this point, trying to work against him would only make things worse. The worse it got, the more it would hurt for her. She wanted the end to come easy.
With a world that failed her, hope was in short supply. She just wanted it to be over, wanted him to finish it. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. She yearned to feel better, to be able to sit still, without worry that her stillness would bring more pain. There was only one place where that could happen, and it wasn’t here on this still earth.
The earth must’ve began its rotation again, because the stillness ended. A sound was made, over the deafening silence. Another rustle of leaves , both in the leaves underfoot and the leaves on the trees. She did not investigate the noise because she didn’t have to. It was him. She knew. He had a cigarette and a lighter in his hands. He was leaning against a weak tree, causing it to shake up against his weight. She heard the snap of the lighter, saw the smoke from the cigarette.
He leaned, and sucked, leaned and inhaled, leaned and blew. He acted as if she were not there. Though only for a moment. He puffed the cigarette five times. Then dropped it, and stomped it into the ground. Then he came to her, and kneeled at her side.
“I didn’t want you to suffer.” he told her.