The Lost

Writing from someone's else perspective so this is not about me! Lol

Tears went down my eyes

Things went blur when hearing the lies 

From my chair and I rise 

No more lies, no more being nice 

No more being wise, no more dice

'Cause I ain't playing anymore

I used to to to have fun 

But that was all old 

And now all I could feel is cold

'Cause I was told that I was gold

But now I am sold

I used to be bold 

But all that is fold into a rolled memory

They told me to hold 

But I couldn't so I rolled into a new road 

A road that changed me

A road that showed the other side of me

At first I didn't believe 'em 

I assumed it was some kind of a prank

A lie 

That they always say 

But when I heard it wasn't a lie nor a prank

I sank...

Could it be true????

I went to look

And yet I could not find...

The thing that I had lost 

That I  couldn't say who

Just a thing

But that is not true!!!!

She is not a thing !

She used to be my grandma, my friend 

But...

It is easier to say

she was a thing 

A thing I lost Not a person I lost 

I hope someone will call from "lost and found"

And return my lost

'Cause I ain't my self anymore!

They told me she will be fine 

When she did not 

They told me that she will survive 

But she didn't

They told me to go play and she'll be back

When she did not

They lied but that was too much!

I couldn't bear the truth

I cried and cried 

Waiting for someone to tell me 

It isn't true 

But maybe I couldn't be as sad as I am now If only they didn't lie at first

Tears went down my eyes

Things went blur when hearing the lies 

From my chair and I rise 

No more lies, no more being nice 

No more being wise, no more dice

'Cause I ain't playing anymore

I used to to to have fun 

But that was all old 

And now all I could feel is cold

Author's Note

I hope you guys like it , any comments are welcome actually honest ones ! Thank you!!

Reviews

[J. K. Beach]

I like what you are saying here... being lied to--even if it's just to save your feelings--seldom brings comfort. The truth usually comes out in the end and the feelings of betrayal are worse than the truth would have been.

I do, however, feel that the structure of your poem gets in the way of your ideas at times. The rhyme scheme, especially the staccato, every line end rhyme in the second stanza, is distracting. You might try something that's a little more subtle, maybe where you alternate the rhyme every other line, or every fourth line, etc.

You also have stanzas where you have no rhyme scheme at all. Sometimes you can establish a rhyme scheme and then break the rhyme for an especially important ides, or have a more free verse scheme where, like a lot of songs, where you repeat a refrain like, maybe... "I used to to to have fun/ But that was all old/ And now all I could feel is cold" ...which reinforces your main idea.

I wouldn't obsess and rewrite this one, but maybe when you get another great idea or message, either solidify the rhyme scheme, or loosen it a bit so that the structure of the poem complements your meaning. You might take a look at my poem "Earthrise, It's not the best example, others have done it better, but there I tried to apply a rhyme scheme--not always exact--and a structure to hang my meaning on. I usually write more free verse or verse with minimal rhyming, but this particular poem was my attempt to establish a scheme that fit the three types of grand risings--sun, earth, and moon.

I have just type a bunch of words here, and you can take whatever you want from them; they are offered only as a nudge towards structuring your writing so that what you are saying is not too constrained by an insistent rhyme scheme, or, if you do want something more structured, be consistent or at least establish a pattern that you can then break for emphasis. Keep working--that never stops--your ideas here and in some of your other work I have read, but not commented on yet, deserve a chance to be heard clearly. Best regards, J.K.

[Farrah]

Yes, I know I have some issues with writing structure and I am working on it. Though thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate you taking the time to write me a review and feedback. I will use your advice to improve my wrting. Thank you sooo much!! :-)

[Tomoe Tellez]

Yeah, this is how you are treated when you are young, they think it's better to lie to you and give you false hopes, but it isn't. You feel betrayed later. This was a great poem.