Hold on

He's been holding on

Though this road is so long,

Got himself book and a pen

Writing it into the song.

His eyelashes dropping

And his tears were freezing,

And he still kept moving

Shaking the dust from his feet.

He knows he is broken down

And that's how the light gets in

prevent himself from falling in the chasm

When sunrise will hit his skin

As he was walking in the open prison

A prison of the mind

As he was sitting in the dark

And seeing the world's lightning

Reviews

[richieb]

Like the concept of this person being on a journey. His challenges along the way provide imagery for the reader. We mostly see our self in one's poem. Well done.
Blessings,
Richie b.

[~Sarah~ Idríel T..]

Wow this was a fine piece of poem!

[LKBillips]

I didn't get the rhyming pattern, but I liked the descriptive nature of it. Although I was confused by where exactly he is, in a prison, near a chasm, in some cold tundra? I feel like this has some good potential it just needs a little polish.

[Ethan]

This is okay, I would avoid setting a rhyme scheme in the first stanza and breaking it repeatedly in your other stanzas. Also, there are a lot of weird verb tenses and missing pronouns and helping verbs that I'd touch up on. Good effort.

[Anjali]

Hmm... Nice .. I liked it!

[Richard simpson]

good start and good imagery, I like the images you produced in this piece. The free verse feel reflects struggles and efforts to make the world better even though the light is dim on the candlestick. The wax maybe melting in some degree of torture and burn, but it is still a heavy emotion that shares overcoming fear and making your soul brighter. Good job! I hope to hear more from you and read some more of your pushing works.

[H L Rose]

I like your imagery.

I think the third stanza is really interesting, but lines 1 and 3 of this stanza seem a bit confusing with “He know he”. I think you maybe meant “he knows he”. And then line three “prevent himself falling from the chasm” should perhaps be “prevent himself from falling in the chasm”.

I really like lines 2 and 4 of this stanza and think they work well together.

I enjoyed reading!

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you, made the changes..😄

[H L Rose]

I’m glad I could help!

[Avinash]

I am going through your work after long. Must say that you have come a long way since then as a poet.

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you Avinash, means a lot

[wordman]

deep write my friend,this could be any of us i guess

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thank you Mr. Wordman.
This could be actually

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[barleygirl]

This is very imaginative! At every turn, I could not imagine where this road was taking me. I love the way you touch on familiar ideas, but then you take it in an unexpected direction each time: "he's broken down, that's how the light gets in" . . . and "eyelashes dropping . . . shaking the dust from his feet." At the end, you open up your message to express all the ways we humans imprison ourselves & each other. Sometimes life itself is an exercise in "holding on"! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Farhan Shaikh]

Thanks for taking out your precious time for my work😄