Temperature Variations in Sandwich Creation: A Stylistic Approach

It's a cook book but it kind of isn't either. It's not done, but I won't write any more of it so it kind of is done.

Chapter 1: Introduction

Okay so everybody eats a sandwich sometimes and sometimes the sandwiches are of different temperature. Some people like hot sandwiches, other people like cold sandwiches, and sometimes people like to have both. Both is what I'm going to focus on in this story/instructional guide/text book/cook book.
Sandwiches come in a lot of different styles and tastes and temperatures. A sandwich can easily be judged by the way it looks but I don't think I'll focus on that"but maybe in another chapter I will"because that stuff is stuff you can see and you don't need books to tell you that red is red and brown is not red usually.
So first thing you gotta do is think about sandwiches a lot and temperature. You can't see temperature because you're not a robot and if you are a robot you probably don't eat sandwiches so it doesn't matter. Don't be a robot.
You might say to me, or yourself if you realize I can't hear you, “Hey but I like sandwiches and some of them are different temperatures, so what?” Well, I'll say this to you: Keep reading. You won't regret it.
And if you stop reading, you might regret it. Don't worry though it'll all be alright.

Chapter 2: Introduction to Bread

Everybody knows what bread is. Bread is kind of like wood but softer and it can taste good too. There's lots of kinds of bread and it comes in many temperatures. Some people like cold bread other people like hot bread and some people prefer their bread to be room temperature. It also can vary in quality based on the type of bread and the temperature of other ingredients in a sandwich.
I like bread when it's room temperature because it feels most natural and it's neutral, allowing for other ingredients to be hot or cold... Like it balances them out, you know? Keeps it fresh.
Fresh bread is important. Stale bread isn't good unless you're a bird then it's acceptable. Birds don't eat whole sandwiches most of the time except for seagulls.

Chapter 3: Seagulls

Seagulls are dirty. They make loud sounds and they eat trash in parking lots and on the beach. Some of them eat fish, but most of them like trash because it's easy. Seagulls are dirty and lazy.
If your sandwich is not good, a seagull will eat it. Birds do not care about temperatures of food, so go ahead and let it get too hot or cold and throw it in a parking lot. Sometimes you can intimidate seagulls and they'll all walk sideways looking at you.
Don't put a seagull in a sandwich because they're dirty beyond the point of washing.

Chapter 4: Bread Pt. 2

Maybe I should talk more about the rest of the sandwich before I go back to bread.

Chapter 5: Raw Meat

If you use raw meat in a sandwich there is only one good temperature most of the time and that is hot. It is important to make raw meat hot because cold raw meat or warm raw meat or room-temperature raw meat will make you sick.

Sometimes a good cut of beef can be eaten raw and it's pretty good but I'm not sure if a lot of it is healthy in a sandwich and usually sandwiches have a lot of meat if they're a meat sandwich. Meat is not a topping or a sauce.

Chapter 6: Toppings

Sandwiches should be topped in bread. Everything else goes between the bread. That is what a sandwich is. If you have toppings on top that aren't bread, it's not a sandwich and we're not going to talk about it.

Chapter 7: Meat (general)

Cooked meat is okay to have cold and sometimes it's good. They call that stuff “cold cut” because it's cold when they cut it, and for reverence's sake you should probably have it cold in the sandwich. Sometimes it might be nice and rebellious to have hot cold cut meat but your eater or yourself might be confused by that and think the sandwich isn't good"it all depends on what else you have in the sandwich and the temperature of those things and the bread.
Corned beef isn't actually corned because corn is a noun.
Roasted meat is best when it's hot unless you're making a leftover sandwich. Don't use a microwave ever because it just makes things sticky and stretchy and soggy and soupy.
Leftovers are good cold.

Chapter 8a: Talk about leftovers later

We'll talk about leftovers later.

Chapter 9: Vegetables

Vegetables are good in sandwiches but make sure they're not hot. The cold is good against a hot meat and if the vegetables get warm then it just feels like the sandwich has been neglected for a long time and the temperature of the hot meat got into the cold vegetables. Neglected food always tastes sad.
Broccoli is the exception because cold broccoli is bad and bad for you it will give you sickness. It's good steamed because then it tastes best.

Chapter 10: Review Questions

What is your favorite kind of bread?
A) Rye
B) Soggy
C) Bread
D) With rocks

Raw meat is _____.
A) Dangerous
B) Hot
C) Good
D) All of the above

Seagulls are dirty. (T/F)
______

Seagulls will eat _____
A) Trash
B) Sandwiches
D) Other Seagulls
C) Anything

Vegetables are best when what?
A) Broccoli
B) Cold
C)

How many types of bread are there in the world? (Approximately)
A) 10,000
B) 20,000
C) 50,000
D) None of the above

Chapter 11: Cheese

The number one law of sandwich engineering/design is as follows: A sandwich is not a sandwich without cheese. This is known as Mario's Law.
Cold cheese (also known as “raw cheese”) is usually only acceptable when all other sandwich ingredients are cold or room-temperature. Most cheese is pretty good raw, but swiss can taste kind of funky with the wrong ingredients or none at all.

Hot cheese (also known as “melted cheese”) is ideal when one or more sandwich ingredient is also hot or melted. Every cheese is good when hot or melted and hot melted cheese can even make non-broccoli hot vegetables feel alright, so long as the two are touching in the sandwich.
Cooked Cheese is good too. Put it in an oven or on a frying pan and you can either get a nice shell around some melted cheese, or a crispy cheese cookie.

Chapter 12: Constipation

Sometimes cheese can clog you up so it's important not to overdo it and to eat whole grains.

Chapter 13: Composition

Composition is pretty much personal preference and it's fun to make hot and cold touch but you've gotta eat it quick if you do that otherwise a temperature slide is nice, that's where one side is hot and it slides down to cold. Cold is best on the bottom because cold sinks or heat rises. A fun trick is to make one piece of bread a different temperature than the other which will throw off even the most expert of eaters.
Composition is personal preference but important. If a sandwich is composed poorly the eater will be displeased and the best way to learn is by trial and error while always keeping the bread on the outside.

Chapter 14: Ketchup

Hot ketchup is kind of weird. I like cold ketchup because it will help vary the temperatures of an otherwise blandly-tempered sandwich. Ketchup inspired me to write this text and I don't really put it in sandwiches but you can dip a grilled cheese in a ketchup it's pretty good.

Chapter 15: Spices

Garlic powder on the bread and cayenne pepper in the sandwich touching the meat. The temperature doesn't matter.

Chapter 16: Hot sauce

Hot sauce is hot even when it's cold and that can make for some fun surprises. Try it in an ice cream sandwich and let me know how it is.

Chapter 17: Doubt and Depression

Nothing I do turns out the way I want it to and I feel like I will waste my entire life dreaming of everything I can't do. Some nights, it's too much.

Chapter 18: Bread Pt. 2

If the bread is dry the sandwich should be wet or dry if you have water. If the bread is hot it's probably going to be dry so put some water in it but not a lot otherwise it will sog away and that's not a sandwich.
A good friend of mine once said this:

No matter which came from you and what was not saying no longer available as the only watched videos are doing around cause vBulletin and you drop me more of your own project management software downloads from lake Michigan goodbye the train station on yahoo instant messenger the next txt McCain has made pot cookie policy for your website design

And there's types of bread with tomatoes in it and that's good hot and Ciabatta, or as I like to say, Shiboata, is pretty good hot and actually kind of bad cold.

Chapter 19: Bruce

My aunt has a friend named Bruce who rides bikes and kayaks and is a pharmacist. The man once taught me a special trick to tying shoes. Instead of making one loop and then taking the other end around it and sticking it through a hole and making another loop like a backwards fool, you just make two loops and twist them around each-other and hell yeah it stays tied like a double knot but comes out like a single knot. That bit of knowledge is more valuable than the 19.99 you spent on this textbook.

Chapter 20: Review Questions

Write a brief essay (4 to 8 pages) on your favorite kind of sandwich and how what you have learned so far may influence your future sandwich creations.

A sandwich is not a sandwich without ______
A) Cheese
B) Bread
C) Cheese
D) A and C

The above question refers to _____
A) The Dingbat Principle
B) Turkey's Might
C) Breaded Delight
D) Mario's Law

Hot Sauce is always _____
A) Hot
B) Brown
C) Saucy
D) A and C

Chapter 21: Dream House

There is a house I live in when I dream. It's pretty big and it often changes, but a few aspects remain constant. There is always a walkway upstairs overlooking the entry way, and that walkway leads to stairs which lead to a tower bedroom and under that tower bedroom is an accessible-only-by-going-outside apartment bedroom with its own separate locks.
Last night I was in the tower bedroom and I thought to myself, “Why don't I grab my stuff and move up here?” so grabbing my stuff became investigating the accessible-only-by-going-outside apartment bedroom, which I haven't been to for several dream months. It was different this time. The door had half a dozen locks in it, and it was painted green. When I got inside, the bedroom was now a two-level room with torn wallpaper, no carpet, and no lighting.
I turned the lights back on via the circuit-breaker and shortly thereafter I heard a scream and the lights went out again. My brain couldn't handle it and I woke up shaking.

I don't think I can go back to that room any more, and being right under the tower bedroom, I'm not sure I'd feel safe there either.

It kind of sucks, because that dream house was kind of a fortress to me, but now it is compromised.

Chapter 22: Mayonnaise

Honestly, the stuff is gross. It's like a demon's semen. I can't recommend ever eating it at all, but if you do it should be cold or room-temperature and coupled with a lot of other flavors that prevent a direct tasting experience.

Chapter 23: Toasters

Toasters are good and mostly for bread. If you want a crispier grilled cheese sandwich (a sandwich generally hot all the way through) then you can put the bread in a toaster for half-a-toast before the grilling.

Grilled Cheense: Chapter 24

Grilled Cheense is the best kind of sandwich for the hot temperature. It's a misnomer because you don't grill the cheese. You grill the sandwich with cheese in it and get melted cheese, not grilled cheese. It's really a grilled cheese-sandwich. Not a grilled cheese... sandwich. Put some garlic powder on it, and use at least two kinds of cheese but three or more is even better. Bacon goes very well in grilled cheese-sandwich. So does ham, but that's technically a Grilled Hamandcheese Sandwich.

Chapter 25: Underground Tunnel Systems and Caves

I'm kind of claustrophobic but I still think underground tunnel systems and caves are the bees knees. I want to explore all those forgotten tunnels under various European cities and maybe I'll find super cool forgotten artifacts that I can bring up and show the world, “Hey look what I found! I bet you don't remember this!” I'll say.
The scariest part about caves is getting stuck. Rocks don't move, especially when the rocks are bigger than buildings and they're really close together so what if you squeeze into a cave one way but you can't get back out? Like, the idea of having to crawl in a 1 foot tall area backwards for fifty feet is really scary to me. What if you can't make it all the way and you are forced to get stuck and die? What if nobody knows because the only other people who go spelunking with you are stuck too?
When the lights go, it'd get dark. Real dark. The darkest dark ever and you can't move at all. It's hopeless"nobody will ever find you, and even if they do there's nothing they can do for you.
Tunnels don't have this problem because they're made FUBU, or “For us; by us” with “us” meaning humans. The only way you're going to get really stuck in a tunnel is if it collapses, in which case at least there's some excitement to happen first.
You might get lost in tunnels, but you can find your way out if you're not wedged between two rocks.

Chapter 26: The Dilemma

After that lengthy aside, we return to our narrative"the tale of Dinn Johnson and his Sandwich Experience. No, actually we're not going to go there yet.

Chapter 27: Suicide

There is some peace in knowing exactly how I will die.

Reviews

[Steven]

I dig creative adventures like this. Chap 3, 7 and 25 are ace. Look forward to more 'experiments.'