Part 10

Being whole doesn’t mean being more than who you are this very moment.

 

It means being who you are this very moment.  It means accepting the parts of yourself that used to make you ashamed, or feel small. These are the parts of yourself that will allow you to connect to other people, allow you to own your own strength.  And neither would you, without your wounds. My loneliness, which is part of my wholeness, has helped me to find you, in the dark.

 

I was finally in a good place, just sitting there like I did each week talking about everything. My childhood, my parents, my life, the relationships, the suicide. It all became lighter.

 

"Cali you have come very far in this therapy, you seem more energized, and driven by what you want out of life. You one brave woman." She said.

I was telling her about my latest conquest. I've told Kai about the rehab and how I ended up here. She came to visit me a few days ago. I told her its not too long still then I am out and going home.

 

She asked me my address again and I gave it to her, I remember Faith would always go to my house to get it fresh aired. She said she doesn't mind at all. She has become my guardian angel. But mostly she's like a mother.

She told me that she was proud on how far I've come that I never gave up, even when there was moments I wanted too.

I'm glad I have met her at the hospital she's helped me gain a sister. She made me come here and Dr. Walker has been one of the best therapists I've ever spoken to. Some how I feel a little sad.

"I think you don't need me anymore. You have fought back and took back your life. Your eyes are bigger and its sparkles, look at that smile." She says.

 

"It feels real like I never thought I'd get through it. I mean I was a complete mess when I got here." Some how it hit that if I leave here I won't see her anymore. I've come so attached to coming to talk to her. Its something I've been looking forward to each week.

 

"Don't be sad. You will make it, Cali. I believe in you, but you have to believe you can." She said.

 

"I know that and I do believe that I will make it."

 

"Just be careful out there okay. Don't rush into anything." She said.

 

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. By Ralph Waldo Emerson." I said smiling remembering how my Dad always quoted that to me.

 

"Yes so true. Do me one thing. Don't give up writing because without your words this world is lonely." She said smiling at me.

 

Deep down I feel like that ache, the brokenness and that my mental state has disappeared. Its like God came to me over night and laid his magic wand over my head and changed all of me. He changed my heart; my mind and he stopped my pain.

 

Expecting the unexpected, my fears, and my flaws that's what built me up. They may have seen me fallen, but they will be amaze at the fact, that I did it.

I haven't done it to impress people I've done it because I wanted too change. I wanted to be in love with myself.

 

The day I looked in that mirror I saw gladness, I saw joy. I saw my life reborn again. I felt that greatness, Faith was talking about. Sometimes in this life you can inspire people, but it’s always hard to believe that quality about yourself.

Its through our adversaries we make peace with ourselves.

I thought my life was over when I took those pills wanting to end my pain. I didn't want to die; I just wanted to end that ache inside and the voice inside my head.

What I missed was the fact it was God all along. He was the voice showing me that it wasn't my fault that in life things goes wrong. We just have to bare it and ask forgiveness and make right with our selves. I guess God knew me all this time, He knew my heart.

He forgave me for my sins, for my mistakes. You can go around question yourself and make yourself sick, but I'm telling you I've learn a lot about myself.

The way I kept my heart closed not to get hurt, keeping years of pain inside. Never talking it all out, I thought writing would lessen all the hurt, but it doesn't. I remember Dr. Walker, saying that I have all the tools, but I wasn't using it the right way, and she teaches me how. How to release myself from the past.

Today I'm finally out as I said my goodbyes to the staff.

 What I've learned is that we make mistakes, but through those mistakes we can learn. We can get a second chance. Life is out there to be lived, but it’s how we live it that's the question. Knowing that I've been given a new start. I can only say life gives you what you put in. If you put in nothing, but pitying yourself instead of saying yes I've been wronged by people and that yes I've wronged them. It doesn't mean you were forgotten.

I've become spiritually in tuned with my faith. Regarding all the things I had to face, if I didn't go through it all I wouldn't have been feeling this joy that was inside me all along.

 

""Today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Is if your lifestyle of sensual enjoyment or spirituality. Freedom of thought is your conscience, your real life and the power of the mind and always refreshing. When you live with thoughts that today is the first day of the rest of your life, you're free of many thoughts of past and future."

 

The End.

Reviews

[Raven Starhawk]

In certain parts I can relate with all my heart. You did a lovely job with this story and I hate to see it come to a end but to every beginning there must be a end.