Part 9

"There can be moments when you feel that you are fighting a very lonely battle. Overwhelmed by discouragement, and experiencing nothing but defeat, it seems impossible to hold a strong and beautiful vision of what life should hold for you, and what you should be gathering from life. Such moments can be filled with an isolation so great that it seems as if even God has deserted you."

 

I stopped reading and looked out through the glass sliding door, that shows how beautiful the sun is cascading over the treetops.

So beautiful, but yet I don't take part in the feeling of enjoying what's created.

 

"Cali that should stop, you isolating yourself from people and life. You not feeling up to it." I turn to face her. I wish people would leave me alone. To let me do what I want, and what I want is to be left alone and hide in my room. It seems I slowly developed into my shell. The medication I'm on is helping with the depression. It stilled my thoughts of dying. The pain in my body is gone. I hardly write if I do its short notes then I stop and get in bed and sleep whole day until I have to eat, wash or take my medication.

 

"Cali please open up. What's on your mind? We here to help. In less than a month you're done with this program where too than. How will you adapt to the real world. Seems as you've gone back to how you were when you got here." Her mouth moves but I'm not hearing. As I felt a lonely tear drop falling down my face. As the tears start to just fall.

She got up from her chair and came over as she bend on her knees in front of me. Staring in her eyes, as she took me into her arms, embracing me as my head went to lie on her shoulder. I was crying louder by this time when she had her fingers through my hair. It felt both good but also it felt weird in a caring way. She's the first woman too have this close after months or a year.

I just want to be okay. To feel whole. To be me. The girl I know I can be, to have a smile, to have glow, to have happiness whether alone or with someone.

 

"It’s going to be okay, I won't force you to speak. Just want you to get better and to enjoy your life, Cali." She says.

I slowly lift my head from her shoulders and take the box of tissues that's always near my chair to clean my face with it. I couldn't look at her.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Don't be. Its good to cry." That's how that session went.

 

She did ask me if I want to see Faith or if I want to see my half sister. I never got back to Kai after the few messages she's left with Faith. I thought it was time to actually tell her where I am.

 

Yet deep down I want to get out of this place. Out in the world and feel new once again.

 

It’s hard when you listen to certain songs that make you think of that one girl that you knew you loved. Your soul mate, the one that's you're Song. The one you had all these with. Falling in love, moving in together and ask her to marry you.

 

You know that feeling when your heart start to race, your pulse is pulsating and your stomach is twirling and whirling. It just hit me that I've probably lost the only woman I've ever truly loved. Not any of the other would be her. Like the song," As good as I was to you, that you'll never find anyone or she would never be me". I've put Leah through hell and back. She never once gave up on me, but I gave up on her, on what we could’ve been.

Its years too late now. Dr. Walker is right I should let it go. I should stop thinking about what has been or could have been. Its time to live in this world not in my subconscious.

It’s always when you loose the one you're meant to be with that it sneaks up on you when you see the girl you love being happy with another. Seeing someone you once thought were your universe, the one that completes you.

 

Remembering those early days of our relationship. The flutters, the eyes that never could take mine of yours, the kisses, the I love you's, the romance. The love making all those moments. I never forgot I just wish I could have been more honest. That I never cheated on you, betrayed the trust you've had in me. You weren't just my first you were my love of my life. Hearing you're voice would always send tingles through my body. There was so many wonderful memories we've shared together none of it will ever be forgotten. You're out there now loving someone or maybe still finding her. I wish it were me that could love you like you should. If only I was a better person. A better woman to show you how love can truly be inspiring. Over and over I have thrown away the chances you've given me. When it came to that last chance I was sure I was ready for us again, but we weren't.

 

It breaks my heart. To think where I ended up. In a rehab center for people with problems. I'm just glad you don't have to see me like this. Dr. Walker believes that I will get better and that soon I will live like a normal human being, but what happens if I fail you again.

"You won't." I heard that voice.

"Oh s**t please not that voice again." I said to myself. This can't be happening not again.

Cali please calm down please.

 

"Through all the crazy years

I turned around and you were here

Sweeter than my wildest dreams

Yeah you showed me what true love means

 

And I knew nothing I could say or do

Would come close to thanking you for your love

And I could try for the rest of my life

But that wouldn't be half enough."

Author's Note

any thoughts on this chapter

Reviews

[Raven Starhawk]

I liked this chapter. I cannot say what exactly stood out for me. All I know is it was brilliantly penned.