Part 8

"I love you,” I whispered, and that was the moment I knew what I was going to do. When you loved someone, you put their needs before your own. No matter how inconceivable those needs were; no matter how fucked up; no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces."

 

When I let Leah go it wasn't because I didn't love her anymore, its because I didn't feel worthy of being with someone so amazing. She deserved better than what I could have given her. In some ways you all may look at me as a cheater, but truthfully its not that, yeah I feel the lowest of low. I feel degraded to call myself a lady due to how I've treated people.

 

Its just I have the tendency to push people I love away. I think mostly I've done it because I feel trapped inside myself, I felt also trapped being in a relationship. I never admitted it to any of the woman I've dated, but I've always had a phobia, being committed, being in love and hopefully that love won't fade out. I've always been scared of the last fact, love fading out, not feeling that way about someone like you once use to its really scary for when you've built your world around this person and later things doesn't go as you've plan it.

 

We can find ways to give up on love or we can find ways to make it worth the while. Still at the end you are left with choices. My lifestyle was different then. I was a different person then. It also made me ask myself this unnerving question, "Can I be faithful to one person". When someone raised this question a while ago. Partially I felt hurt just by the word faithful, because I know I can yet I still don't know what made me betray my ex girlfriend. I know it wasn't a game. But what if that happens to me one day. What if I meet someone again and fall in love? What would happen if this other woman would end up hurting me?

 

"There are no guarantees in love, Cali. You just have to take the risk." Yes I've been sitting in Dr. Walker's office for more than two hours now.

 

"That's the thing I don't want too. I don't want to feel that pain." I said.

 

"Put yourselves in those woman's shoes, do you think it wasn't painful to them. Let me tell you, I've been on the receiving end of getting hurt by my previous partner. We were in love; it’s the first time in my life where I stopped reasoning and fall. I fall so hard that it took my mother to help me through the toughest times of my teenage life. When I knew I was ready to enjoy my life again, that's when I met my husband. At first I wasn't giving it my all until one day I just couldn't hold my past hurt inside that I told him. Ever since we’ve been a part. That is when I realized that he was my soul mate." She said. I could see her eyes glistening.

"How do you know his your soul mate? Because I've had two and lost both." I tell her.

 "My heart knows." She says.

It’s that simple. A feeling a connection non-can compares.

 

I haven't told Dr. Walker that I've used the Internet in the library at the centre. I just randomly went onto facebook and reopen my account I've had for years now. On it I've scan on my friends list and came across two of my previous girlfriends names. I've stopped in to see what's been going on in their lives ever since we've departed. Its like I've never really ever existed in either of there lives. Its like we never even meant anything, like I never meant anything. That none of them ever called me beautiful, or said I love you or that I am there forever. As I sat there watching as there lives has moved on, they forgot I ever existed none of them ever thought too look me up or wondered where I've been. It cuts deep to think it’s all gone. Who I once was or what I meant to them.

Broken feeling swept over me as lonely tears start to fall down my cheeks. I could see my own shadow in the screen.

There was nothing left for me to go back, but too get out of this place and move on with my life.

I clicked on the drop down tab as I went into account, scrolled down and clicked "deactivated". If only I could de activate every memory, every thought of everything I once loved.

Reviews

[Raven Starhawk]

Such a lovely chapter. I mean the finishing sentence sums up a lot of people's wishes. Sometimes it would awesome if we could deactivate every memory and thought. It would make some things easier.

[J Todd Underhill]

Another nice add to the story... You are coming along quite well.