Part 7

 

 

It’s that something, that one thing that we all would gladly want rid ourselves off. That one thing we can never forget, the love you had and the love you lost.

Its been a month since I have seen my half sister, I got hold of my mother and I was right my father had an affair right after I was born. So that leaves Kai six months younger then I am.

Sometimes we think our families our parents are perfect the fact that I was six months old when my dad had another daughter with some woman that attended one of his concerts.

 

You can't go back to how things were, or how you thought they were. All you really have is now.

We all carry our scars; we say words we regret, sometimes we weak, sometimes we strong. Words cuts like a knife, the words I've shared with people. Ugly hurtful words that I can never erase, never go back to fix them.

You know I thought if I keep my heart to myself to never let that wall break down I'd be secure.

Before I met them I wasn't like this, but I also didn't know what love were like either.

So it was both good and bad because at some point I had to remove the tough exterior and let myself fall.

 

"Cali so you've finally met your sister that must've been hard on you." She said.

"Doc, when I get out of here I want to be someone people can trust, someone they can depend on. I want love." I said.

She has been a great inspiration in my progress; I've opened up more. Faith and I are doing well.

"You will I'm sure you will, but don't rush embrace life, find that joy. Don't base your happiness on someone. You've seen where that lead you before." She says and she is right.

"I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be that girl who enjoys life, the one that use to love hanging out with her friends. Just to be in control and let go of the sad blues. Doc look at me, I don't even look like the Cali I once were. The pains in my body it comes and goes. That I don't know where to start. The doctors certainly don't know. How can I go on if I look at the person in the mirror its not me at least not the me I knew before I ended up here." Words seem to be like water pouring from me.

I've been in my room for days because of the pain. I just can't rid myself of it even if I do it comes back when those memories flood back.

 

I heard a saying, "Better days will be here again." In some way that makes a lot of sense.

As the passing days move on and I start to scribble here and there creating notes all over my wall.

If I stand a distance away from it, it looks like a lot of cut out pieces to a puzzle. Well if you look at it, it kind of is. It’s my new inspiration for a new book. I might as well get enough writing done. Somewhere out there a person may feel this way, going through life as I'm doing now. Moving from one mistake to another, thinking they in control of life.

I thought I was in control. I was Cali Davis the girl who had it made with a father and mother that was in the public eye. The whole world knew of me, knew too much of me and what I do.

I never wanted it, fame it made me a person I don't like at all.

 

"Cali, as your therapist there's one thing you have to remind yourself, that people make mistakes. We all do at some point. What happened between you and that woman it happened you couldn’t change time. You work so hard on seeking absolution and answers to what happened. You wanted to protect them, but you're avoiding showing your hurt. There's so much pain you sitting within yourself." She says.

 

"I gather that, Doc."

"Do you? I see someone that's been guarding her own hurt and loneliness."

 

After that session I walked out there I just needed to be alone and I found a spot near an oak tree with my book and pen. I sat there for hours as thoughts whirl through my heart.

Why would I guard my loneliness when there were people who loved me? People that I actually loved being with.

It does not make sense.

 

 

"Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth."

 

This quote jumped at me. Self-esteem ever since my session, I try to find ways about myself, to see why I do or did the things I did. Where did I give up on my self for others?

Most case I think I believed that what I give would be what would make me a likable person. Wanting someone to be in my life without leaving, giving more of myself to him or her and losing the SELF of who I am.

 

"When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life."

" Iyanla Vanzant

 

I've done this a lot in my life, I seeked lied and to hold onto people, a little white lie, living a life where I kept losing & losing myself. Losing what I was raised with, even though the house I grew up tend to sometimes lack love, I always received that love from my parents and its the only people do remember giving me love.

It all just a facade to hold up with being someone I wasn't. One truth that wasn't a lie or a game was the love I've had was real. It was love that I will probably never experience, but it’s also a love that teaches me to respect and to honour it. So if I do find it one day I won't be frighten or make it fall out my hands.

We live in a world where hearts can easily get broken. What you break another person can mend.

 

As I was busying myself to finally get up from my spot, as I turn to walk towards the building I saw a figure in the distance. I tried to squint my eyes in case I'm losing it seeing things.

 

As I'm walking this figure is also moving towards me. As we got nearer to each other. For a while it really looked like. I couldn't believe it; she had that beautiful smile on her face. That smile I couldn't get enough of, but while I closed my eyes and open it backs up. The person I thought I saw wasn't there, but a lady dressed in white uniform.

"Miss Davis, I was told to come look for you." She said. For a while I thought she was someone else, someone I use to know, someone I use to love. I miss her so much.

"Miss did you hear me." She asked.

"Yes. Yes I did." I followed her back to the cafeteria inside it was warmer.

 

I'm getting use to this place. Four months went by still I haven't received any visitors other then the staff who was on duty when I was admitted to the hospital. Also the fact the person who found me never showed up either.

 

Looking at all these people. Some with way worse cases then mine. Friends of mine use to say; there is always someone worse of as us. Which is true? I've learnt that over the months to never take people for granted, because once they walk out your life. There is no turning back. And that I have come to learn the hard way.