Part 5

Dear Cali

 

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself, I miss you. Ever since my new shift started I've been quite busy with work taking care of my elderly patients outside of the hospital, but I've heard you are starting to open up. Dear that's wonderful news. I always believed in you, never doubt you for one moment.

 

Also what happened then I've moved past that. I understand your burst but please know that you're a good girl.

I've also been busy because I have news for you.

Dear I hope you sit down, I remember how you told me that you're an only child.

Well a week ago I got a call from the Private Investigator, he told me he found a girl with name Kai Woods.

 

He got me her details and I've been working on getting hold of her, that same week she got back to me to meet her, I did. Cali dear the moment I saw those eyes I knew no mistake she's related to you.

Kai Woods is your sister.

 

I hope this wasn't new to you.

I'll come see you as soon as I can.

 

Love you

Faith

 

Oh my gosh, Kai. A sister, but how I'm an only child. Gosh did mother cheat on Dad. The news that was uncovered shed a whole new light.

What do I do?

 

"Cali do you want to talk about it." She asked.

"Seriously not now I still have to stomach all this." I tell her.

I couldn't sit still; I was walking up and down her office. Looking out the window over the garden right outside.

 

" Another three months to go then I'm out of here. I still haven't heard anything about who was at my house that day I took my own life. What brought me to do that in the first place? Its people that's what, I've dated women my entire 8 years since I knew I was gay but I was hiding.

My own family doesn't know I'm gay. I didn't want to be gay, I've dated men before but I always felt more drawn to women in my teens until I turned 24 and fell in love with a raven haired Caribbean girl, she was beautiful, charming it was love at first sight.

It was the way we met and the way things just escalated between us, the feelings I've had for her was so intense, we didn't even date long and we were already planning a life together, something you don't do unless you've been with someone for a year or so. For someone who was always a commitment phobia, I'd freak out the minute someone expects more of me. Because then it means this means much more to them then it does me, I wasn't looking for something serious my first time out, but as things progressed I felt connected to her somehow she had ways of opening me up, letting me feel safe in her arms. She was amazing, loving, caring, she's someone I could really spend my life with, raise a family with, but because of who I am I ran. I ran into the arms of my friend, the one who became my rock. I put all my cares into her arms and neglected my girl friend of two months.

 

Something happened within myself I started to grow feelings for this other person, it was unexpected, it wasn't suppose to happen. None of it, I tried blocking those thoughts out my mind, but how can anyone tell me that what you feel could be wrong, that the friendship we've nurtured could turn into an affair, we both tried as hard as we could not to ruin the friendship. One night I couldn't deny it, I couldn't deny what I was feeling for my friend. We spend more and more time together. She had a child and I couldn't stop that to make me run. I felt wanted, needed, she broke down my walls, we both let our guards down and she let me in, it was beautiful, magical about it. Like we were one person, but there was someone else. Someone I loved and didn't want to hurt.

 

I'd felt guilty every time I'd look my girl friend in her eyes. Here was the woman I loved but yet I was having an affair behind her back with my friend.

They were different, but there love was pure, the purest I've ever known off. They showed me what its like to feel love, to be loved.

They both could've made me happy I'm certain of that.

It was five months later the girl friend and the mistress started to wanted more of me. The one tells me I got to choose, the other one is spying on me. It was getting to appoint where I was willing to end it all.

 

That's when my depression starts to kick in; I was having sleepless nights, thinking of what's next to do. Do I tell them I'm leaving both, do I run and never turn back or do I just wallow in self-pity for as long as I can? My body started to pain, shooting pains over my abdomen and hipbone, panic attacks late at night where I had to sit up whole night. If I'm right I've not slept in months, I was losing weight; I was a broken mess of a woman.

I don't blame them, they fell in love, unlucky it was for the same girl, and I just couldn't tear myself apart. So I eventually told my girl friend about what's been going on, I got the phone dropped in my face.

She broke up with me that day, but I still loved her. I called the friend up I told her I want to try this with her, my heart got crushed instantly when she told me she's met someone and wants to see it through with her.

 

My world was falling apart yet again. I tortured myself night and day writing hateful stories all about the friend who broke my heart. She rejected me and that change a lot of things for me, because it felt like everyone was ganging up on me, that I was the jerk in this whole affair. She always knew I was in a relationship it never stopped her, if she respected my relationships shouldn't she have stopped it if she knew there wasn't a chance for us.

 

She kept saying we meant for each other, you know doc I stopped my heart from believing in a forever ever since those words uttered out her mouth."

 

"Cali you do know that you can still find love. I still think your girl friend did what's best for her own heart. You lied and cheated." She says. I turn to face her looked at her and turn back towards the garden. It was her day off and she said shed like to work more on my case.

 

"Yes I know that. I did love her and I never meant to hurt either." I said.

 

"Go on from where you stopped." She said.

I continued.

"I did something, something I regret for the rest of my life. I weight it out, the two of them. I made my best friend talk me into making a list on who stands out more. Who could I trust more with my heart, the ex or the ex mistress. But that wasn't my first regret the one was the fact I told the ex mistress that I don't love her enough to be with her. I would find just about any argument to drive her further and further apart, what did the final end to us was the fact I went and plastered on my face book status that I've got my act together." I turn around to face the doctor.

 

"She messaged me right afterwards and told me, "I'm glad you got your act right seeing as I didn't mean anything to you." I don't blame her doc for moving on, for leaving me because I deserved to be left behind. I deserved it, I couldn't make her happy, she was miles away from me."

 

"No one deserve to be left, but I can understand the urgency of her wanting more of you. She loved you right, but you kept running. What happened to your ex girlfriend."

 

"We got together, I basically begged her to take me back. She was the one I could always turn to. As time went by, my jealousy got out of control. The thought of the ex mistress with someone else drove me insane. I was heartbroken over the girl I lost and the one that was there just it wasn't looking good doc. As I became a different person I signed into the ex mistress ICQ name as her, I just didn't think someone would trace it back to the City I was living in. I never thought about it. About the path you always have to think about the path.

She messaged me told me how could I stoop so low pretending to be her. Yet that made me angry I told her, "this friendship is done for life" emails was send back and fort I regretted every word I've typed out. The worst part of it all it was a blatant lie.

Yes I used her name, but what I was accused of was all a bunch of lies. Things couldn't get any worse for me, until she emailed me a month later saying, she doesn't know me, that I've been playing her all this. Just thinking about that email destroyed everything in me what she stood for once upon a time. The girl who I put above everyone else tells me I'm hatred person, a user. Pretty much killed my heart, again that night I wanted to end my life. Living wasn't what I wanted then. Love is a waste I never want to feel that much love for anyone ever again.

I was living in a world where I couldn't tell people about what's going on with me. I let it all out in my book. Three hearts yes doc its me. Or it was me once upon a time.

She's wasn't anymore apart of my life. It was over, but my gosh I couldn't stop my love for her, misery was all I had but I knew I had to move on. I start to heal starting to make my life worth it. Until my girl friend left me again, this time it was for good.

She drove me mad, complaining, arguing, and checking up on me. Every friend I've made was a hidden agenda. I just couldn't take it much more. I knew in my heart if we don't go our separate ways now we'll end up hating each other and there another friendship would be destroyed. She was stubborn she wouldn't see it as that, she still believe we can move pass the cheating the trust that wasn't there. I did something in humane, I cheated on her with a girl, its the only way I knew shed leave me. Just after vday we broke up."

 

I was now sitting on the couch and Dr. Walker just had this expression on her face, what do you call it, yeah shock.

 

"I'm not a good person. I was so lost after that. I didn't know what to do. The two people I've loved the most in this world I've hurt."

 

"I think its good you letting all this out. You aren't a bad person, but I would suggest you control yourself around women. I know you love them. You have too moved past this Cali, it happened five years ago. Time to let it go. We at least are getting to something. We can continue tomorrow, same time." I got up and walk towards the door, just before I opened it I turn around to face the woman sitting on her couch.

 

"Do you think there's something wrong with me doc. I want to love again, but I want it to be with someone I truly do love and accept me without changing me. Mostly I want to trust someone with this." I point to my heart. Without giving her chance to say anything back I left for my room.

 

I can't believe she made me open up like that or was it the beautiful garden outside her office glass door, or is the fact looking at those eyes, those ocean blue ones.

Stop it Cali, this is silly.

She's not even gay, neither available. You still a work in progress.

Reviews

[Raven Starhawk]

Reading this was like taking a ride on a great enterprise of exquisite details and well honed skill. It was a good story only bettered by a outstanding cast of characters.