Part 2

When I first arrived here it wasn’t how I thought it would be. The people here seem crazier in how they look. Maybe I'll fit right into the setting.

The lady that came to see me at the hospital after my last chat with, Faith was a Dr. Walker. She told me that she would work closely with me.

Dr. Walker was a very nice woman. She was 5 feet tall and had a glow about her, like she's this fragile porcelain doll. I could listen to her voice and get lost in it. Like sending me to a world I've yet to enter. She’s beautiful, long blonde hair, blue eye, she was a gentle soul. She made me feel at ease. It wasn't easy to open up to her. Knowing that I'd get judge.

I remember I made a call to Faith after the first session with Dr. Walker.

The phone was ringing on going just when I was about to put it down. I hear her voice.

 

First thing I heard was. "Cali is that you."

I said yes.

"How are you doing dear?" She asked me.

" I don't want to be here anymore can you fetch me. " I asked crying.

"Cali you know this program is important to your health. Six months is all it would take. I'll be here for you." I know she's right. They may say it’s your choice, but I can't leave this place without doing the whole six months.

"I know, but they ask things I don't want to talk about."

"But that's part of healing dear. They there to help you." She kept quiet like there's something else.

"Tell me please." I begged.

"I've tried locating your family, we've not found anything yet, but I'm not giving up." She's been looking for them. A pain a strong shooting pain was struck through my sides. I couldn't keep up, it was hurting me.

 

"Cali are you okay." Someone else must've taken the phone as I was led to a nearby chair. They called Dr. Walker. She tried getting me to respond to her questions. All I said was. "Stop it! Stop it!"

Its a life wasted I'm here but it doesn't seem real, as I'm going along I've over done strain on my hand if I need anything else to go along with everything else.

 

"Perfect love casteth out fear"

 

The human mind is always occupied by some ruling emotion. Fear, lust, bitterness, hatred or antagonism, love, sweetness and understanding all have their moments when they are in control of life.

Some forces are constructive, others destructive and the life eventually reflects the ruling emotion. The great dominating miracle is that we are able to choose the emotion that governs us. This is something many people forget and instead of choosing wisely they foolishly believe that they are the victims of a cruel and capricious fate, and that they just cannot help their feelings.

 

Sensible is the person who chooses a powerful and constructive force to dominate their life and there is not a more dynamic or constructive force known in the realm of human emotions than Divine Love.

When the consciousness of the Divine Love fills the mind, all weak, evil and ineffectual thoughts must be driven out of the mind. Fear and love cannot live together in the same life, and every constructive emotion must fade in the intensity of the light of the Divine Love.

Let love reign supreme in your life, and all the treasures of God become yours, for God is love, and he whose heart is full of love has a heart full of God.

 

Reading this passage over and over as it sinks in deep inside my mind attacking all the negativity that's within me. That resides within me that's been tearing every chance of getting back what I once had, but is what I had still the life I actually want or is there something better, something that's keeping me from it.

 

Faith has become one of the only people I've been opening up to. She's the only one I trust. Dr. Walker find it hard with me I can see the frustrations upon her face with each session, they've now put me in group sessions with ten other strangers each one with there own addictions. As I sat there listening I thought about many things, seeing life through there eyes.

When one of the ladies quoted this, "lift up your heads”, it made me think on a deeper level.

There are few things more irritating than for someone to tell you to, "Cheer up" when you are feeling really despondent. Words, idly or thoughtlessly spoken, only succeed in making a bad situation much worse, for it is impossible to cheer up on the strength of negative statement. To turn from despondent to hopefulness requires a change of attitude within your heart.

 

Its things like that, which I want to stop hearing. I'm here a place to find myself. A life that I supposedly need saving from.

Faith lead me to start talking to God, I wasn't spiritual I wasn't one to have faith in anything; all I knew was that God can free me.

Yet my mind wouldn't let me. Just like I don't partake in the sessions.

"So how you going to get better if you don't try. Take control." Oh my gosh that voice its back. Its been two months I've been out the hospital, I've been here a month. This was my first time after that last time the voice came to me.

"Who are you?" I shouted anger starts to build up; tension starts to derive from me, the pain start to come back as I tried to breath holding onto the sides.

 

Your life reflects the quality of your thought life, for circumstances and conditions are created by the power of thought.

This is an encouraging truth for it invites you to contribute the best you have to life. It makes you realize that giving to life is more important than receiving from life. Nothing happens by chance but the law of cause and effect directly or indirectly controls everything. Your life reflects the quality of your spirit.

It is possible that as you absorb this truth you are filled with resentment at what it suggest. You look at your affairs and wonder why such misery and failure should be yours when you instinctively feel that you were created for the high places.

Honest thinking is never an easy exercise, for evasion of truth is a well cultivated human weakness, but face yourself honestly with your stubborn pride, your destructive prejudices, your corroding self-pity, your lack of love and understanding, your greed and smoldering bitterness and call these molding, destructive influences by their rightful names.

Every emotion that is strongly held by you is reflected in your daily life.

 

It tore straight through my heart; I still can't remember how I ended up here. My wrist was bandaged in white strips.

It was the face of the only person I would ever want near me.

"Cali." She said with a hurt voice.

"Why dear? Why do this to yourself?" She asked. I never answered nor did I cry, crying was for sissy, what's the use I cry when all I want is for them to stop saving me. To give up on me just like those who once claimed to love me.

"Why don't you just talk to your doctor? She's there to help you." I just stared at her no emotion shows in my eyes or face. I'm just waiting for her to also turn away from me because its what people do, its what I make them do leave. There's door don't come back. I send them away.

"Cali your silence isn't going to make me leave or give up on. Because I love you and see." I cut her off.

"You see greatness right." I lift my head towards the window as it reflects my face.

"Yeah some greatness alright. That's. Load of bull and you know it. Accept it I'm not who you think I am."

She starting to sob, but I carried on.

"This woman you think I am doesn't exist, she's dead to many, and she’s selfish, egotistical, obnoxious, thinks she's the best yet she's a nothing. Pretending to give a damn when I obviously don't care enough to hurt peoples feelings like they nothing. I see people as a thing something that has no existence beyond mine. I'm hateful, angered, temperamental, I've hurt people worse then any human could, and you want to tell me you see greatness." Its then she dropped her hands from the bed and walked out.

"What were you thinking?”