Part 1

 

 

Introduction

 

She's insane; I think she deserves to be held up in an asylum for people living in a world where only she matters. She's her own worst enemy yet I don't know why people still try with her. She's someone who's impulsive, confused and selfish, in spite of trying to be who she thinks people want her to be. Deep inside she's a girl fighting many forces, her mind is so corrupt with negativity that it appears the inner turmoil has now appeared on the out side as she believes in the fact is all the guilt and the hurt she has caused others in her life. She always thought that she has it good in her life that no one can ever say no to her, well she was wrong all the things she has done without ever thinking how it would effect any body else.

She's a lost course I wouldn't still put any worry into what might happen to her. She has already given up on herself, up on ever loving someone or herself.

She's a girl with a broken down life, nothing and no one to repair. Maybe there were quite a few too let her know its okay. They forgave her but deep down she knows its based on a lie. Her whole identity is a lie those believing what comes out of her or just fooled by her beauty and those dark brown chocolate eyes. That smile and that voice that they can't seem to have enough of.

 

Part 1

 

She drove off to a lake not far from where she lives. The clouds may have been cleared and the sunbeams cutting through layers on her skin. She wasn't enthralled by the beauty of the nature surrounding her, she was deep inside her mind fighting voices battling her inner self to come to fore.

"Its over for me isn't it." She speaks out the words. The sound was deep her voice was rusty. She's become a different woman.

Until the nearby trees branches starts to move like a strong wind was blowing it. A deep voice starts saying.

"Only if you want it to.”  She looks all around her, the tree was still, no one was anywhere nearby.

"Gosh its true I'm really insane, if the voices starts to appear in daylight.”

"You might think that right, that you insane.” She hears the same voice again.

She starts to push up on to her hands to support her body to get up.

She was up as she looked far from side to side yet nothing and no one was there.

"I'm really crazy." She starts to walk towards her car as she climbs in the driver’s side and sat there. She just sat there not moving to get the car started.

Looking at her through the rear view mirror as soft tears start to form in her eyes. Haven't I had enough of these tears already? She thought.

"Why can’t I ever let you go? I mean it’s been so many years losing you was the one thing that broke me too pieces. I can sit here crying and dying; yet it wouldn't change a thing. Five years pass yet I'm still thinking about you." Gosh get a hold of yourself already, stop the damn tears try not to think of what might have been. You here alone, miserable because of your own doing. No one will ever love you. Pathetic and unworthy. You all those things women don't want.

I've lost and its my own fault, I played with there emotions thinking I'll always have them. How wrong was I. They worthy of someone way more then I. Firstly you run away from a good thing, your empty promises. You don't deserve them. They may have gotten a better offer from someone worthy of there love.

Stop it! Stop it! She bangs her hands on her steering wheel. Just hitting the thing, hurting her, pain seeping through her hands yet she doesn't stop. Tears running uncontrollably. She's a woman in distress a women needing help.

She starts the engine, as she turns the keys in the ignition. She hears that voice again.

"Take control."

"Who says? Who are you?"

The voice was like it was telling her to take control, but on what?

"Your life? On you? Believe that you can be loved." The voice said.

That's not what I want, to be loved. To love hurts too much.

 

 Why you think I'm sitting here. In a room with white walls. The only thing hanging up on the walls is a cross, the only thing I possess in this world.

Let me tell you why I'm here. After I heard those voices the one taking control it became consistent and all I wanted is for it to end.

 

I got home walked up the path that was the house I once shared with someone. I went into the bathroom medicine cabinet and took all the sleeping medication I've bought over the last few weeks.

I couldn't sleep so I would occasionally take them for peace of mind.

I took the glass on the basin and filled it up with water to the rim, as I popped up the bottles of pills as they splatter all over the basin and floor. I shoved a handful of them into my mouth. As the water was poured down my throat halfway through I was choking on some as I drank another glass of water. A few more glasses and I put it down, wiping the tears that has appeared throughout the ordeal.

"All over now." I told myself. My mouth moves but nothing comes out.

My heart rate start to beat erratically fast as the thud ding could be heard in my ears. Turning around towards my bedroom. As I turn the entrance towards it I saw a shadow of someone coming towards me. Yet no face is coming to fore as I start to juggle myself on legs busy feeling numb, jelly and as I was about to get over the threshold of my bedroom door, I collapsed. I fell on my face. I couldn't hear or feel anything. This was it my life was over.

 

Sandy, heavy eyes start to open as a bright light shoot me through the eyes. Blinding me as I hear a deep voice again.

"I think she's waking up."

Another voice. "She's lucky to even be waking after what she had in her stomach."

It didn't hit me, nothing of all this. All I had was voices but no faces, because of the light that just blinded me. I tried pushing myself to open my mouth nothing no sound.

I felt a cold thing against my chest. Then my arm being lifted. There was something that was hurting me. I pulled as I started to come to it and violently shaking my arm loose.

"Miss you got to stop your going to hurt yourself. Calm down." The voice had a soft calming sound it was a women's voice.

I could feel my hair being pat lightly. Still I don't know where I am.

It was a few hours later my eyes finally opened up as I scan the room I'm in. The fact that there's an IV drip from my wrist to the pole it’s hanging on. A heart machine attached to my other left hand finger. Moving it was sore, my body ached. The room white painted with a lonely chair sitting near the window.

A shiver came up my spine as I felt cold and empty and broken within the site I'm seeing.

A lonely tear came falling down on the white pillow as I turn my head towards the door that's busy being opened and a woman in her forties or fifties walking in with a clipboard. She stopped; searching my eyes if I'm awake or just opened them with a deadly look.

 

I think its then that my eyes blinked and she smiled. The face expression she had tells me she's been hearing all along. Maybe she spoke to me while I was asleep. She came towards my bed. As she takes the water jug on the night stand and pour some in a plastic gray cup, she brought it to me as she lifts the back of my head gently and gave me some of the water.

She smiles after she's done giving me another cup, I guess I was thirsty.

"There you go hunny, slowly. There you go." She says. I tried saying thank you, but nothing came out. I nod my head as she bowed down and kiss my forehead.

"So how you feeling today hunny. I'm so glad you are awake." She speaks so softly as she's busy adjusting my sheets but my body a swell. She told me she has to get my doctor to inform them I'm awake. That she'll come see me later. I nod my head as I watched her leaving the room.

 

Tears starts too burn my cheeks.

My face turns towards the window, light was descending from it. Sometimes when darkness has covered your life and you think it’s the actual dark when it’s just a figure of speech, dark and light. It’s the unseen, believing into something that's not really there.

Again I was brought out of my thoughts as I hear a male voice talking.

"Afternoon Miss Davis, we've been waiting for you to wake up." He said. Checking the machines and the IV attached to my arm.

"Only procedure Miss." He says. As he shun a light over my eyes, as I blinked, checked my erratic heartbeat as he calmed me down in his own way. Telling me to take deep breathes then slowly letting out.

I've been doing it as he took the minutes down on his watch.

My breathing and erratic heart slowed down.

"I'll get the nurse on to remove the drip." He said. I tried to speak it was like my vocal chords were removed without my consent.

He left the room an hour later the same lady of earlier the day came waltzing in. She told me the doctor decided to keep the drip in seeing as I'm still weak to move around. I'm also using a bedpan.

How did I end up here? I need to know. What about people are they looking for me. All those questions.

"Ahh," I stopped. She took that as me wanting more water. I was thirsty. She was kind, nurturing and mothering. Tears formed as she wipes them.

"It’s going to be okay." She said.

I wanted to speak, to thank her, but nothing. Words couldn't form.

"Don't push yourself it would come dear. Just believe." She said.

 

Holding me in her arms it felt warmth, save like nothing and no one could get me from this safety net.

She finally had to go because her shift was done. She told me to have a good nights rest before she gave me something to make me asleep.

 

A week later

 

My voice came back, the drip was removed the following day and the same lady since then has been the only person who would come sit by me. She would read to me from novels, once she would think I'd loved to hear. As she was reading a specific insert on a story that seemed really familiar.

 

“There may come a time in your life when you seem to lose interest in everybody and everything, the things that you once gave pleasure are no longer pleasing, and you feel that you have no enthusiasm for anything.

One of the reasons could be that you have been driving yourself too hard. Perhaps you have forgotten how to play and laugh, and now the fatigue of your mind and the unconscious weariness of your body are playing havoc with your spirit.”

 

She looks at me as she's reading the passage, like it was something she has known from heart. She carried on with the story.

 

 

Snippet out of Three Hearts, One Choice, One Love

 

“I still love you. I want you back, I am sure you thought about it to at some point.” The break in her voice surprised me.

Suddenly she felt like bursting into tears.

“We shouldn’t have carried on avoiding each other for so long.” She said.

“Erica is right ...friends are the most important thing in the world.” I told her knowing that just maybe avoidance was the worst thing I could’ve done.

All the awkwardness and the tension evaporated as we fell into easy conversation catching up on a years worth of lost and closeness.

 

My eyes grew big. She looks at me.

"Dear what's wrong do you have pain.”? She wanted to get up.

"No I'm fine. Just who's the writer.”

I asked.

"Cali Davis." She looks at me then she turns the book around.

 

"Author and poetess, Cali Davis."

Her own eyes grew as big as mine.

" That's you!" She shouts.

I'm Cali Davis. I'm Cali Davis a writer.

"Hunny that's who you are. How come it never clicked to me, I've been reading this book for a while its my fifth time reading it. Dear you wrote this, you've touched people, so why would someone as talented as you want to die." She asks. Tears fills the woman's green eyes that I've been taking as a mother figure, since I woke I haven't seen anyone coming to see me. There were parts of me I've forgotten. Parts I've blocked out even my own name.

 

The doctors told me I was dropped off here and was just signed in with Miss Davis. Nobody recognized me or knew anything about my background.

As Faith started to read the story I knew it sounded like something I've read before. Yes her name is Faith; she's also a woman that lives by her faith. She has been really good to me.

 

Since my name was finally found out, the doctor came to me one afternoon.

 

"Cali can we talk." He says. As he brings the chair my trusting friend has vacated hours ago to attend to her other patients.

"We know it’s been a hard thing you went through, we want you to get some help. I've got a friend she's good with people in your situation. She's the best in her field. She's actually here if you want to speak to her." He says. What does he mean?

"Do you think I'm crazy.” I ask him with seriousness.

"I think you need help. We healed you from the medical side, there's only so much we can do here at the hospital. But you need to heal the inside and this place can really do it, that's if you want the help being offered. You tried to commit suicide. Basically you a threat to yourself." He said. I know what he is saying is true, but I'm not crazy.

 

I told him I’d like to be going home. He said he couldn’t let me go. That if he knows a suicidal patient tried to commit suicide attempt once, there's a 99% chance they would try again.

Faith entered the room as she spoke to me about what the doctor said.

"Cali you have to do this for you, maybe there's someone out there searching for you."

"I doubt it, if there were they'd be here claiming me."

"Don't think like that." She picks up the book that was names "Three hearts, one choice, one love", this proofs that you have touched allot hearts through your words. Now I'm not completely dumb when it comes to someone sexuality, I've experienced myself in my younger days. Fell in love with a beautiful foreign girl. The only thing that stopped me from having a life with her was because those years we weren't allowed to have sexual tendencies towards women. It was count as a sin. I hated myself from the very minute I fell in love with this girl. I still believe today that she was my other half. It was misery for months, all that ran through my mind was end it or run away with her and go live in her country. She's was catholic I was Baptist so you can imagine we wouldn't have been happy. We let people drive us apart. I got shortly married there after to a nice young man, my family approved of that lifestyle and he was amazing understanding, I told him all he said, "Faith I love you and you are enough for me, but if I'm not for you then I'll let you go." Just those words made me fall in love with him, he was my best friend." She spoke with pain and heart break.

"What happened.”? I asked.

" He died. Back then every young man had to go to the war becomes a soldier. He died. We have daughter together."

She said.

Tears was all that came running from me, as I think about the love I've lost because I was too scared to be seen with another woman, to scared I'll get stoned. To scared to be me.

"Don't let this happen to you okay. Yes I've found love again, but this book is about a woman who openly lived gay, she might have a different story to tell. She's not a cheater she's only someone who was looking for the love she didn't receive from the one she married, but that doesn't make her a bad person. It doesn't give anyone the right to point fingers in her direction. She's done all she could to love her wife and daughter, she loved them, but her falling in love with the other woman was meant to happen. They were meant to share love. Lauren wasn't there by chance, she was there to show Alicia that love is beautiful, amazing. You make me crave the love these two shared in this book. You wrote this love story like someone that has lived it. That you are this lady. That's how talented you are. You have greatness inside you that you are hiding from this world. Even when I didn't know who you were or your name. I had a strong feeling you were a decent human being that wouldn't hurt anyone out of spite.

Let people see what's inside, Cali. Don't hide from your world because there are things you could teach someone through your writing.

So I'm going to ask you this do you want to get better, do you want to be alive. Be this girl in this book. Are just being you. I love you dear and want to read more of these kinds of novels by my favorite author, Cali Davis."

 

I couldn't catch breaths in between tears and speaking. I nodded. She asks me to breath and then speak.

"Yes." I said. She knew what my yes was for. It was time to heal. Which would take me away from the only person I've ever known to accept me for who I was.

She told me we would see each other. That if faith has it in store we would cross each other parts.

I told her I don't want to wait on that, that I want her to be constant in my life. She said off course. She gave me her numbers and address I could either write her or called her.

That was my guardian angel. My faith that leads me to this place I've called home.

 

It was my last week in this place.

Author's Note

what do you think of the plot & dailogue. Where can i do better.