Dead On The Inside

Delegation of obligation.

Obligation of not needing anything..

Why does death control democracy?

It’s f*****g hypocrisy.

It’s just empty promises full of deceptive illusions of a better tomorrow.

Just wake up from the dream of the perfect existence.

There’s no good tomorrow.

There are only lies, defeats and deaths ahead.

So just sit down and cry.

When you’re done you can go to the back and die.

And people say that I pessimistic?

I don’t understand that at all.

I should just stand up on a table in school and scream

“I’m moving to Azerbaijan”

Jump to another and piss on the blackboard whilst singing “In Bloom.”

The politicians would have a f*****g heart attack.

They would start making punks taboo.

They wouldn’t understand that maybe I did it to prove something.

They would lock me up for showing my f*****g c**k in class…

Sad and puny effort.

 I would probably even get harder time than a typical drug offender or a rapist.

Maybe even top a child molester.

But let’s move past my shallow outside.

Let’s get in where it hurts.

To the little child inside of me crying because of trust issues..

Being stabbed in the back countless times by both friends and f*****g family..

Multiple suicide attempts

Only one succeeded..

Yet it actually failed..

One and a half minutes..

Never more, never less.

Strangely enough..

It was a relief..

I didn’t feel anything at all..

Only fifteen years old..

Now sixteen..

A history of serious diseases in the family..

But why the hell should I care?

I was never allowed to show my feelings..

Because the group pressure of being popular would make me the gay f**k..

I didn’t want that..

So I let it build..

Stupidest s**t I ever did in my life was that..

But nonetheless I took what everyone one of my so called friends felt and placed it in the s**t pile inside..

Several parents with cancer, two suicides, countless suicide attempts, drug abuse, death and crime..

I took their beatings both physically and mentally..

I collected so much s**t..

I carried the weight of my family and friends on my back..

Then my grandfather was in a car crash..

Suddenly it hit me..

Like a bomb hits ground..

It swept me off my feet..

Nearly damn killed me..

But I got up..

And I picked the pieces up..

I tried to carry the same amount of weight that I did before.

But I really couldn’t..

My life changed..

Started doing drugs and drinking to much..

Almost every day alcohol was in me..

And the drugs just filled me..

I stopped eventually..

I can still remember my grandfather’s birthday clearly..

He turned sixty and I cried for the first time over what had happened..

I then started finding these fucked up girls..

Just mentioning some:

One with panic anxiety, one who was half blind, one who was deaf, one whose father was seriously sick and now one who’s  having the same illnesses as I.

Only worse..

And I won’t fail this time..

I’ll keep her alive no matter the cost..

Let me mention an example..

She said she was feeling really bad.. She has a history of self-inflicted injuries.. So I went to her house.. I went downstairs. She came to say goodnight.. She had a bandage on her arm.. A big one..

That made me crack..

I was inches from flinching..

I could’ve killed someone..

Or better yet..

Myself..

Someone asked me once..

“How do you cope with all this.”

My only answer was.

“It’s in my nature I guess.”

I’m not exactly strong enough anymore..

The hours I spend alone are just for making a deceptive and truth sounding alibi for how I feel..

Just so my family won’t bug me..

Really..

This pain I’m trying to scream to the world is really heartfelt..

I know what love is..

And I know what pain is..

Mine is worse than most teens at age 16 though..

Sadly I don’t even want to give it to someone else..

Others might have killed themselves and really succeeded..

And I don’t want that..

Not for anyone..

Rather let me carry the pain and anguish of others..

Because I can..

I’ve really given my life away for the dark spawn of misery..

Haven’t i?

Well, let me tell you about one last thing..

I’m dead..

Just as I’ve always been..

Dead on the inside..

 

 

Palle Nyox Pallesen �"Dead on The Inside.

Dedication �" Anyone who gives a f**k.

Author's Note

Honest opinion

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You are amazing. Remind of the writers of the sixties. Your words direct and honest.
"Then my grandfather was in a car crash..
Suddenly it hit me..
Like a bomb hits ground..
It swept me off my feet..
Nearly damn killed me..
But I got up..
And I picked the pieces up.."
A lot of emotion and battle to understand what life is. I'm 52 years old and understand less today then when I was your age. Thank you for a outstanding poem.
Coyote

[+Naomi+]

Wow...I just...I don't know what to say..o.o

[A Risen Heroine.]

I'm so f*****g sorry I was one of those "fucked up girls"
But I enjoyed the time with you, and I hope you did the same.
But we moved on, right?

All in all you did a great job on this, I liked it.

~A Fallen Heroine~