The Orphan; Chapter One

“Tell me a little about yourself sweet heart." A complete stranger said. I was at an adoption interview.
"I'm Phoebe, I'm 17 years old. My favorite color is black, my favorite number is 13, and I pick who I want to adopt me. If I don't like the person, who adopts me, I will make their life a living hell." I said, slightly leaning foward. Just for you guys, I am tall, skinny, I have pale skin. I have short black spikey hair with purple highlights, purple eyes, and snake bites.
"Oh, um... dear. I think I've made up my mind. It was, um... nice? Meeting you." She stammered. She walked out so fast, I almost thought she was running. I laughed. I hated her, she was to perky. (Think Umbrege from Harry Potter x2)
"Phoebe, there is one more interview for today." The owner of the orphanage said.
"'Kay" I said. A tall guy, who was pale, had long-ish black hair with neon red highlights in it, and he was dressed in all black. He looked like a guy I would like to be adopted by. So I decided to be myself, and try not to scare him away. He sat down, and I looked into his eyes. They were neon red, just like the highlights in his hair.
"I'm Derek, and... just tell me a little about yourself." He said.
"I'm Phoebe. I'm 17 years old, my favorite color is black, my favorite number is 13, and I have been living her ever since I was two. My parents were abusing me, and they got into a car accident, and there was a small fire, and they left me there. Some one found me, but I had to go to the hospital. I inhaled no smoke, and all the cuts I have recived from it, were gone. There was blood all over me, and it was mine, but the docters said it wasn't human blood. I never knew what they ment by it. And I remember that day very clealy. So you can ask me what ever you want. I'm not trying to scare you off, so far, since I got here, you are the only person I wanted to adopt me. Every one else, I scared off." I said. A tear rolled down my cheak from remembering that painful event, and I wiped it away quickly.
"I like you a lot, and I think I have made up my mind. You're coming home with me. Once you see your room, we are ging out, and you are going to buy whatever you want and need. Alright?" He said, smiling.
"Alright. Thank you so much!" I said. My eyes shined, and I smiled a really big, and happy smile.
"Come on, Phoebe." He said. He took my hand, and we walked out of the room. Derek filled out some papers, and we left. He talked to me, and told me all about hiself as drove me to my new home.

Reviews

[nono]

Strong and very descriptive that's what i like to read nice job! love it!

[1416]

This is a strong storyline, but it feels a bit rushed. Is this your first draft? I really like how abrupt she is, but like I said, it seems to go sort of fast; you may want to do away with some of the info so that the reader isn't immediately introduced to the protagonist in full. Keep her a bit of a mystery :) Otherwise, really good!

[ANGEL.X]

wow a good read with a very eerie sort of ending. derek seems to be a bit mysterious, im guessing he probably has something to hide. the ending makes me think that the guy may be a paedophile (but then again i could be wrong). Really makes me want to read on. very interesting.

[A. Siemens]

Really good, I like it. Are you planning on turning this into a full fledged novel? If so, you may want to stretch it out a bit. It seems a bit condensed. Other than that, I like your character's edge and I think it's generally well done. It makes me want to find out more.