The way it is..

I ran out of points for poetry so a friend suggested I write a story about my life and how I came to write poetry.. so here it is.. I'm not great with stories though.. I'm more of a poetry person :P x

The only way I could get my anger out..

I put my fist through my wall, I hurt my closest friends.. I tried to smile for people but inside.. the fire was slowly burning out.

It started when I was 3, my father left me and my mother, he had to leave but still, to this day, I have no idea why. It hurts knowing I could never say goodbye. He got on a train and died.. The train crashed into a freight carrier because the driver decided he wanted to put his feet up and relax while he was supposed to be watching the tracks.. The dick killed my dad. My mum says she hated him though, I will find out why one day but for now my mind stays open to any thoughts.

 

My mum has had many boyfriends, 6 of which wanted me to call them dad. It never worked that way. Only two I would have ever classed as a father.

 

I was blessed with a baby brother when I was 9. My mum had known the father for about a year, and I never liked him... I wanted my dad. He tried to make me like him but it never happened. My mum was with him until I was 14..

 

Throughout the ages of 11 and 14.. I was depressed.. The story? I do not want to go into it... It included me and my 'step-dad', it proved to me that I hated him with a passion. I cried constantly.. scared to sleep, lost my appetite..

I was quite a chubby kid.. about 10 stone at age 11 untill 13, lost a lot of weight and in the space of 3 month, i had lost 3 and a half stone. I was extremely ill, but still kept the brave face, and smiled my way through life.

 

I had social workers, police and teachers worried about me.. I lost my family because of the situation I was in, they didn't want to get involved. While depressed I never ate, was constantly ill, couldn't sleep.. it made me weak, my heart stop working as it should, my bones, brittle and weak, one strong hug, I could've broken. My friends never knew the pain I was going through, because I braved a smile when ever they saw me, they knew I was ill, mainly because of how pale and thin I was. But I made them not worry. I hate people worrying about me.

 

I had to see the school councillor, I had social services on my back, police always checking up on me. What had I done to deserve such a life? The situation between my brother's dad and I ended when I was 14, when My mum found out and told him if he ever came near us again, he would be locked up. But because I knew what it was like never being able to see my dad, I never told the police what actually happened. I didn't want my brother growing up, knowing his father was in prison. So I let the b*****d go free, even though he far from deserved it. He doesn't see my brother, my mum wouldn't allow it. But at least the dick didn't get banned up.. all because of me.

 

From then on, instead of crying, I changed. I punched things when I got upset or angry. I couldn't deal with it any other way. I tried to get help but no one could help me. I am emotionally scarred, nothing could change that.

Friends tried to help, and I was grateful for their concern, but I hate people caring too much about me.

 

Then a close friend of mine introduced me to poetry.. It was how he dealt with things, and I tried it. It worked. It was my release, I didn't have to hurt myself anymore. I couldn't have been more grateful for the small amount of help I had been given, because poetry took over my life, I read, I write, and I don't have to cry anymore.

 

My whole life is the reason I write, Whether I write well or not, that's your opinion, I just write to get my feelings out so I can't hurt on the inside anymore.

 

Now I'm always smiling, constantly have a true smile on my face, and only get upset with the normal teenage girl things.

 

I've been through so much for a 16 year old. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Everything happens for a reason, all you have to do is wait until you find out why.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you for the story. Many reasons for writing. I was like you. I needed to find a place to release my thoughts. I was a great reader. I wish I had time to read books today. I believe releasing words to a sheet of paper allow some of the pain to be less. A excellent story. Thank you.
Coyote

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

A fierce and talented write, mailing emotions that really grab a reader, my heart goes out to you, well done

[Fenner]

Saying that you've really had it rough is an understatement. It was a brilliant insight into how you discovered poetry and it was also very well written (I think you could be very good with stories in the future if you choose to do so) I'm happy that you found poetry, it's about time that you found some happiness in your life. Keep your chin up Jen, you have talent. :) xx