Autumn's Light

As Autumn's first light shines it brings beauty in many colors but it also may bring heartbreak and enlightenment as the light shines through the trees

I trudged through the fallen leaves smiling a little at the nice crunching sound they made beneath my boots, the wind ripped around me making the leaves dance and forcing me to burrow deeper into my scarf as my hands found their way into my jacket pockets, my fingers found their way to the little scrap of paper the reason for my trek. I glanced up at the sky being autumn made everything seem beautiful and aglow with color I knew it would be dark soon but I still love crisp freshness the this season always brought, with quick steps I finally reached North Hall. The warmth instantly engulfed me, I shuffled around a bit trying to shake off the cold that still clung to me, I pulled the note out scanning it quickly I continued on to the library. At this time of day it was almost deserted with just a few stragglers getting in extra study time since midterms were approaching.

I found her with ease in the back at a small table, her back was to me as she stared out the windows her view focused on the colorful trees outside, I stepped closer clearing my throat so she’d know I arrived, her mahogany hair fell across her shoulders in soft waves as she turned to face me her brown eyes bright with anticipation, I fiddled with the note in my pocket as a knot in my stomach formed but this wasn’t something I could ignore or back away from without being honest with her so with a shaky breath I said,

“Thank you for sending me this note and letting me know your feelings I’m happy I was able to make you happy without even knowing it. I’d love to return your feelings but unfortunately I can’t and I’m so sorry.”

She nodded, a tight smile on her face, disappointment and hurt clear in her eyes. I’d known by coming here and rejecting her I’d be causing her this pain but I had to tell her how I felt and not string her along even if it was unintentional.

“I appreciate you coming here and being honest, thank you.” Even as she said it her eyes filled with tears, I wanted to hug her but that would have made things harder for her so I stayed on my side of the table not sure of anything.

“I’m really sorry for hurting you.”

She shook her head a tear rolling down her face, “No, don’t be please. I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t feel the same when I left you the note, I just hoped you know?” Her voice broke a bit and she turned away from me her shoulders shaking as she cried, her hair shielding her face from me, wanting to give her some privacy but not willing to leave just yet I turned around too. Even with her back to me I could feel her heartbreaking, a heart that I was breaking even if I  hadn’t meant too I still felt terrible.

“Can I ask you a favor?” She said quietly.

“Of course.”

“Is it okay if I continue to feel this way for you? I know it’s a burden for you now that you know how I feel but I just can’t stop loving you overnight.”

I was so stunned at the request that it took me a moment to find my voice, here I was with this girl who’d loved me from afar for almost a whole semester, sharing a class and finally finding the courage to tell me her feelings and in one fell swoop having her heart crushed and all she wanted was permission to love me for just a little while longer, how could I deny her that?

Reaching back to grasp her hand I said, “It’s okay.”

“Thank you,” she said giving my hand a small squeeze. We stayed like that until her tears stopped  then she got up and collected her things, I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she disappeared around the tall bookcases just as autumn’s light shined through the window. I stayed in the library for a little longer before taking my leave, it wasn’t until the wind hit my face that I realized at some point I’d started crying too, wiping away my tears I trudged on through the cold my body numb.

It was funny to think that by breaking her heart a small piece of mine broke as well. I slipped the note out of my pocket reading it once more, “Thank you for loving me,” with those final words I let the wind take it from me, I watched it sail away as the last of autumn’s light faded into night.

“A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.”

-E. E. Cummings