I love you

you’re not alone

Have you seen that meme?
The one where it’s trying to explain the seasons in Texas?
You know there’s summer and he looks like a big swole sun then there’s fall and he’s still a sun but a little less swole and spring he’s like a medium swole sun and then finally winter the smallest of them all but still a sun.
How fitting
A sun in the winter of my depression
The joke is that Texas is basically nothing but heat and that the size of the heat changes depending on the “season”
You know it’s funny cause you wouldn’t think a meme about weather can give you such perspective on certain things
But I was thinking of that meme the other day and it reminded me of demons. But not just my demons. Yours too. All of ours. For a longtime i lived inside the loop that I was the only one who could understand my crazy even though I never really understood it but the point is I kept my crazy in the dark where I could be alone with it because I didn’t think anyone would get it. Not really. The way my uglies showed themselves to me was disturbing and I thought for sure everyone else would point the nutso finger at me. That is until I’d seen a fracture in the lion that is my best friend. See she was down real down and me being me wanted her to be happy of course so I did what best friends do and we drank and laughed and made jokes but I could see the sadness and annoyance eating at her I could feel it radiating and it wasn’t even those obvious feelings that exposed the fracture. no. It was a split second moment when she was standing in my kitchen holding a beer and letting the thoughts in her head silently devour her. her face was still and suddenly I saw the flicker of my crazy in her eyes she took the lid of her beer and rapidly bent it back and forth about 4 times. She bit her teeth together and shook slightly and I could feel it the combination of everything that makes my crazy. Rage, sadness, annoyance all combined into a lightning fast acting pill that snaps like a rubber band *ping* only for a second.
Imagine
You’ve caught a demon in a bag and accidentally opened the top just a little too much and he panics clawing his way up struggling to get out and there he is, for just a second til you shove him back down in the dark and close the bag. But I saw him. All it takes is A split second but I saw him. All it takes is a split second for us to see each other.
it got me thinking if she shares my crazy maybe the rest of us do too. That it’s not my crazy and I’m not alone. It’s ours. Our crazy is we. See our demons just like that meme may be different strengths and sizes but it comes down to all the same things. We may not know the timeline of each other’s history but I think we can all relate to the history of each other’s pain. Pain and fear. Fear of what you will think, what I will think, what the world will think when we let them see that crazy. So just like me you bury it. Throw it in the corner and cover it with the dirty laundry of our lives. Outta sight outta mind. Til you’re alone and it’s time to wash the clothes. But guess what? You know what my Saturday consists of? Cleaning. Doing my laundry and guess what else? I’m sure it’s laundry day for the rest of you do to. Cause even though you’re surrounded by 4 walls and a corner facing your demons one on one. So am I. And so are they. We are not alone. And it’s ok. We read about our acceptable uglies. Our anxiety and depression our anger all the ways we feel like the world is against us. But what about the seed that was planted to grow all those trees? It’s buried and we don’t talk about it. But I’ve realized we are more the same than we are different. No matter our past, our race, our Illnesses were here to fight the same fight of survival. What separates us is not what we reveal it’s what we hide. Because there in the dark lie the things that bring us together. So no I’m not afraid of you, and it’s ok to lose control, it’s ok to let the demon out it’s ok to show what’s underneath because i understand. I understand and I’m sorry,sorry for whoever caused you that pain and rage for whatever snapped your fingers into that place called insane, sorry for the situations that planted that seed in the story of your life but i can be the chapter that helps nurture your trees, our trees. Cause I love you. We love you

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[RebeccaRose]

We all have a demon inside us. And we all drown it differently.