This is me

My depression is a shape shifter
It is the reigning champion of hide and seek
No matter how many corners I check
He always seems to run home before I can catch him
My depression is a rock that a child tried to skip across the water
Recklessly thrown with no skill or plan
A hopeless try and a fail sinking down below the waves into the pit of my stomach
Sometimes I hold a knife to my depression
Knowing if I just carved deep enough I could cut it out like a tumor
My depression is always watching me
It’s face sits in scars on my thighs
Forever smiling
Even on my good days he’s there
Waiting for me to come home
The warmth and the darkness he brings is a blanket I find shelter in
Telling myself this is comfort
This is home
My depression is the black sheep of the family
The one who didn’t go to school
The one that left to escape through drugs
The one who dressed up like a free spirit to mask the guilt of failure and you’re so sick of it but you love them so much cause they’re family
That’s my depression
Depression is my second skin
The reverse shed of a reptile
I leave for work and all my scales fall off revealing the light inside of me
I’m so happy and warm
Perfectly positive with nothing but smiles on my face
No one would guess that just last light I dueled it out with a razor blade
I come home and my flaky skin is laying in a pile like fresh laundry
It clings to me static electricity
Dressing me up in old feelings that don’t belong
Trying to make itself fit
It itches my irritability makes me scratch until scabs of anger and resentment are boiling up all around me
It smothers the light inside of me and puts out the fire
Leaving me cold and bitter
A darker shade of grey
This is my depression
I wonder though
What if this is just me
What if instead the second skin latches onto me when I leave
It paints a smile on my face
Fills me with false warmth
And when I come home
I shed
Revealing the darkness underneath
Maybe I am not who I think
I see
In the outside light I’m who I want to be
But maybe the truth is I’m
Not happy at all
Just really good at masking things when the sun is out
But when I’m home
With the smile on my thigh
And a frown on my face
Searching for comfort
Curled up in the heavy hands of my blanket
The one that feels like warmth
The one that feels like darkness
I can’t help but think
This is me
This is me