Things that won’t come out

I’m falling apart
I just want to cry all the time but I can’t
My tears sit there they won’t come out
Not cause I’m not sad enough
I guess they’re just waiting for the trigger
The moment where I swell up and explode
Pouring torrents down my face and flood out everyone around me
We’re all drowning
This weight is so heavy and I’m just tired of feeling like this
I dug a hole in the back of my head
Like a little tunnel I crawl through to escape the problems at the fore front of my mind
I read and watch movies and try to do anything besides think
Cause when your demons are controlling the mainframe and you start having a brain storming session
Well
You can guess how that turns out
I told Logan I’d stop cutting myself
Though I don’t see what the problem is
I’m not crazy
It’s on par with smoking a cigarette or drowning your sorrows with whiskey
Atleast I’m monitoring the damage I’m doing atleast I can control it
And god I just want to let go
F*****g cry cry cry
I feel so much pain but I feel so blank too
Numb
Heavy
Dull
Not needles
Not knives
Just weight, burning heat, and pressure
Just my heart is asleep and it’s waking up
Ants under my skin burning alive I want to go home
I want to stab myself
and carve out the rock weighing down inside me
I want to go home
I want to fall apart
I want to go home
Home home
I can put my address in a gps
But I’m always looking for home
It’s a feeling of warmth
Light happy warmth
And love
Somewhere far away
Not here
Not here