Recovery

This only does a slight justice to my recovery from anorexia, so take in mind there are many cases much more terrifying than this.

You are in a pit, a cold waterless abyss.

There is no pressure weighing you down

        there is no light guiding you home

                there is nothing

                       you are alone

                stuck

        with no way out

of this hopeless hell.

Along with the darkness,

        you are shriveled up

             so even if there was a way out

                 you wouldnt have the energy to save yourself

             you'd rather wait to die

        than surrender to desire

and save yourself.

Someone finds you

              calls you out on your mistake

                    of putting yourself in your situation

              its not about blame

its about recovery, survival, happiness.

But you are angry

      enraged

                 you will deny everything they say about you

                      even though in your heart you are crying out for someone to save you

                 for someone to lend a hand

      to show you the light

to give you warmth.

While you are waiting for the tidal wave of anger to pass

         you continue to decay

              you are dead

                   minus a very slow, cautionary, stuggling pulse

             exhausted

        you give a little

say "okay, try and save me".

You think "I can always go back"

      to comfort yourself

         but why go back to a place where you will never be satisfied

             where nothing will ever be good enough

         where death is required to achieve your ''goal''

      where there is nothing

but cold darkness.

Eventually a star appears

              at the top of your black hell, black whole

                 you smile for what seems like the first time

                      with what strength you have left, you cry

                 you try to reach that star

              you climb, crying for that star

you dont want to be alone!

But its so hard

     you dont have the energy, the strength

          give up

               and that star is taunting you

          eventually you loose hope in reaching that star

     and it disappears

and again you are alone, swallowed in self destruction.

In what is a mad rage

    you start to climb

         scrapping your nails against the walls

                       jumping to find the place where that star once hung

         and the light appears

    you climb in joy

your energy revived.

As you start to make progress

    you fall down,

         maybe all the way to the bottom

                  maybe just a foot down

         but the fall hurts

    you cry out in pain

"WHY! HELP ME!"

But in order to get help you have to surrender to your disorder

     and you arent willing to do that

          but you say

              "I can always go back"

          and you try

     willing to surrender momentarily in order to not be alone

anything, to not be alone.

To feel something is unusual,

     it may start with sadness

        but its something

            that you can feel.

To be continued.....

 

Reviews

[Arundass TP]

Interesting line's. Great picturization. Good work 👍

[Faint]

i do not care what you think of my writing, because this is a true story. i would love comments, but no matter what you say, i love this poem. its the story of my spring of '10.
I honor of: Jacob, Kat, and Lauren

"First I was afraid. I was petrified. Thinking I would never live. ... I grew strong. I learned how to carry on. I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give and I'll survive. I will survive.