Fade

A short story using the prompt linked: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/6b/90/c2/6b90c253d96afb09fb9512b2ca0f89ec.jpg

I still remember when he'd gotten his first 'big boy' tooth. The way he couldn't decide if he wanted to fuss over the discomfort of it, or tell the stranger sitting next to us on the bus how proud he was. Those little freckled cheeks bunching up as he grinned wide, those had always been my favourite parts of his face. I could walk the distance between them as stars in the night sky if it were possible, and I'd never get lost. I know his face that well. Bushy brows with a little bald spot at the end of one, green eyes that squinted with curiosity. His lips were always chapped. The dry heat here did that, no matter how much water I bugged him to drink. He complains whenever I give him those lectures, but he always listens in the end; after all, I know best.

I've been around the block a time or two, met dangers his innocent mind couldn't even comprehend. I've fought off dragons for him and stood sentry at the end of a plush little bed while he slept so that monsters dare not creep out of that closet. Soon he learned to pick up his own wooden sword and fight dragons beside me, and we'd battle our way to the top of the jungle gym where the king's crown awaited to anoint his head. I hope he's old enough now to understand that that gilded crown meant nothing. He's always been the king of my world. Now, as his father stoops down and adjusts the little tie around his neck, I stand back and watch, hoping desperately they'll let me get a picture before they disappear to the school for that dance. I cherish these milestones so much, and as Father disappears to find his cufflinks, I sit down at the end of that selfsame plush bed that now could use an update. We'd have to do that for him soon.

"Come let me see you," I coo, catching Kaden's attention for the first time since he'd finished his homework. There was the big, cheek scrunching grin. My heart swelled with pride at the handsome young man he was becoming. "You're getting so tall! You don't even need me to hold you up to match the other kid's height marks at school anymore." He'd been shorter than most, but he was starting to skyrocket up. It left him thin, compared to the pudgy baby he'd been. Giving a bashful kick at the bed, Kaden grabbed his navy blue jacket from it's poster, sliding it over his arms. Good, it would be chilly tonight. He's starting to catch on.

"Can you comb my hair? Dad sucks at it." he was already brandishing the little switchblade comb that he'd demanded for his tenth birthday. It was his favourite pocket essential. Taking it gently, I stood, leading him to the bathroom to find some gel. I thought better, though, and reached for some mousse in the cabinet. I laughed at that quizzical look he gave the huge glob in my palm, and explained, "It's lighter. That way your hair doesn't sit on your head."

After working it through, I carefully took up the comb again, taming his wild hair before giving it a shake with my fingers at all the right places. Purposefully messy suited him. It reflected his energy and his compassion. "You have fun tonight, okay? Some kids will ask why Dad's there instead of mom. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Just remember that your dad loves you so much he'd never let you miss out on these things." With a nod, Kaden looked in the mirror, barely even on his tiptoes, making sure his face was clean. He poked a little disdainfully at the freckles we loved so much.

I turned his face towards me. "You look perfect." He didn't have time to respond as Dad called from downstairs. Hurrying out, we took the stairs two at a time. When I look at Dad, I know how handsome Kaden will be when he grows up. I'm so thankful he has such a dutiful father. As Kaden heads for the door, remembering to tuck in his shirt, a thought occurs to me.

Reaching out, I move to catch his shoulder. I would have caught his shoulder. I didn't. Instead, my fingers slip right through, like light hitting the last obstruction before it might have reached it's beloved ground. I don't even leave a shadow. The door closes, and I can hear their excited chatter as they head for the car.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It's not that his imagination was fading. It's that we have never lasted beyond eleven. Most were gone by ten. I was so, so lucky. But it was for such a sad, sad reason. As I move over to the window, I revel in the thick carpet between my toes. I can see two headlights receding from the drive. A light in the car flicks off. Dad was probably looking for their tickets in the console. I'm so lucky that Kaden has someone like him. I'm so thankful that he doesn't need me as he used to. It's a bittersweet victory.

I think back to the day that we met, disappearing into the memories for just a while.

Kaden was four, standing at the top of the slide at the playground. Down below, a very tired, unendingly dedicated father was encouraging him to come down. There was already sand all in his shoes, but dad didn't mind. Even after working a twelve hour shift the night before. He'd promised to take his son to the park this weekend. Kaden was so scared of heights. I knelt down, tapping his shoulder. "Hey!" I chirped like a bird, surprising him. "How about I go down with you?" That always made slides so much less intimidating. After a little whispering back and fourth, he agreed, and I'd settle down with him in my lap. He was so warm and full of life. I fell in love. "Put your arms up," I told him. "It makes you more brave! And if you shout, it's even better!"

As I shoved off, he did just that, his victory cry a little louder than maybe it needed to be. Dad was so proud, though. Sweeping up his son, Dad spun him around. "You see?" He beamed, "It's not scary at all, is it?" I watched them play, sitting at the foot of the slide until the next kid wanted to go down. When he got tired, Kaden found me sitting in the grass. He studied me, I studied him. I laughed first.

"What's your name?" He was so chatty. All those questions he asked that I didn't fully understand, they told me just about the curious mind I was adopting. In the end he settled on calling me Lady. I was okay with that. Names are so hard for kids that age. He sat there with me, watching a little girl getting swung by her mother.

He seemed mesmerized. "Daddy say my mom is up in Heaven." He murmured, hands fidgetting. I rested a hand on his back, leaning forward. I caught his eye. "She sure is. And she loves you so much she asked me to come be your friend since she can't be here." That idea lit his little face up. "You met mom?" The astonishment permeated his voice. I gave a nod, pushing his messy hair back. "Yep! I'll tell you all about her some time, okay?"

My eyes focus on the livingroom before me. It had been history. Most kids need a friend before they can go out and make their own. I admire all the photos around the room of a man and his boy. I flick the lights off. They were always so bad at that. It never failed to make Dad stress the electric bill. Strolling into the kitchen, I trail my fingers over the weathered chair pushed into a small square table. There were pale stains from many dinners long past. I laughed softly as I recalled the food fight I'd started and dad had to finish. But Kaden and I made sure to help clean the overcooked spaghetti off the walls. Dad hadn't hardly been mad.

Kaden had been five then, had just gotten his first report card from school. All excellent marks, of course. Even if he was a bit quiet and shy, Kaden has always had such a tender and sweet heart. He loved helping the teacher pass out papers and told all sorts of stories during circle time. I remember the pride in his eyes when he told his friends about the dragons we slew in the back yard.

We don't fight dragons anymore.

Now he's more interested in the Playstation sitting under the TV in the livingroom. Dad had saved up so much to get it for Kaden, along with that little collection of games. In his games, Kaden fights the dragons alone. I think he calls himself a Dovahkiin? I hope he never forgets to do his homework before games. Nor do I hope he forgets to go outside and play with his friends. So many take the outside for granted, and it breaks my heart.

How I miss going outside. I think I would disappear completely if I did. Here, I can pretend everything is okay. But my imagination isn't as powerful as his. It's too tainted by my reality. I make my way back upstairs arms wrapped around myself. I try to turn the thermostat up a bit to save dad a little more on electricity, but again my fingers fade right through. I can feel my heart sink a little bit more. Instead I slip into Kaden's room, sitting at his desk. I lay my arms out before me, pulling up my sleeves to examine the progression.

The Fade has moved up past my elbows. It's almost to my shoulders. When Kaden wills it, I can still be whole. But when he isn't thinking of me, I fade a little more. Our memories fade a little more. That's growing up. I think it's a little bit because Dad has made a friend that Kaden likes. She bakes the best chocolate chip muffins, and lets him stay up a little later to play his video games when Dad is at work. I hope Dad marries her.

They both deserve her.

Even if that means I must go. I can accept this Fade, knowing that Kaden will be okay. I am so much luckier than some of my brothers and sisters who are ripped violently from their children. I move to lay on the bed, staring up at the dim stars on the ceiling. I do my best to memorie every part of this bedroom, blinking back tears that would never hit the pillow anyhow.

The Fade had started with my toes. I hadn't even noticed it at first. We were always wearing sneakers. I work with all of my heart to keep Kaden from noticing the fade, making sure this transition is natural as possible. My eyes drift closed. For so long I'd stood tirelessly at the foot of this bed, guarding against the monsters in the closet. It didn't matter that the monsters would never harm Kaden. To him they were as shadows in the moonlight.

It is only I who must fear them. 

The door creaks quietly. They are not cruel beasts, only harbingers of the natural. In fact, the quiet noises they make as they scurry out to erase bits of me from the house are soothing. Like a lullaby telling me that things will be okay in the morning. I wonder if they can reach the light downstairs to turn it back on. I ask them to wait until 9:45, so that dad's bill isn't so high. I don't know if they will. I can hear them putting the mousse back over the sink. Oops. 

I think maybe they will take me tonight. For a low as my heart feels, it is caught in my throat. I can hardly breathe. I hadn't even said Goodbye.

I know that's for the best.

Friendships never end, and the bond we'd had was so much deeper than that. At some point Kaden had mused that maybe I was actually Mom, but that I wasn't allowed to tell him. He said no one else could love him like I do. I had told him that the boundlessness of peoples' love would always astound him. Then I made that his word of the day. Astound.

He astounded me.

By his ninth birthday Kaden had placed in a state spelling bee. He read voraciously and wrote stories as if he might live them out himself some day. It didn't matter that he wasn't so good at sports. He wasn't a particularly talented goaly in soccer, and don't even mention playing football. His friends all loved his stories, and the drawings he made to depict them. Sometimes he drew me into his stories; those were always my favourite. I'd never realised that he thought my hair was yellow like his until then. I wish he had gotten to meet her.

I wish she had gotten to meet him.

She would have been so proud. Apparently she'd been a piano player. Dad had recordings of her at concerts. She met the first monster I'd ever known that could truly hurt Kaden. Dad called the beast Cancer. I hate that beast so.

I wonder what I would have been if Kaden's mom had been able to defeat the dragon? If I'd be at all. I can't roll onto my side to look out the window. I'm so tired I can barely even open my eyes. I think it's moved over my shoulders now.

Mom's monster had been inside of her. It had corrupted her body, almost how the Fade was doing mine. Her's probably hurt so much more. I give up and close my eyes.

It's hard to hold a thought. I've never been tired before. No wonder it's easy to get Kaden to fall asleep once his head hits this pillow. This bed is so soft. Dad really chose a good one.

Maybe we don't need to get him a new one soon, after all. Some of my favourite memories lay on this bed with me. Building pillow forts to eat our chips and candy on after Halloween, stuffing his toys into bins and sliding them under so that no monster could sleep there. Jumping on it until Dad came up and told us how loud we were being. How loud Kaden was being. Dad didn't hear me, of course. Putting up those stars so that Kaden was less apprehensive about losing his nightlight.

So many good memories. So many good dreams. I hope Kaden is having fun at the Mother Son dance with Dad. I don't think kids will care. His friends know him well. They were at his tenth birthday last year, and they'll be back for his eleventh later this week. Seven kids RSVPed. Including the girl with the pretty brown hair. I hope Kaden has a good time. 

I begin to think that I hope he doesn't miss me. I know he won't. If he ever remembers me, he won't be able to see me in his mind's eye. Only know the basics of a conversation he'd had with air. He'll probably figure he'd created a surrogate mother that he stopped needing when Amanda came around. Maybe he'll start calling her mom.

We are made of the same thing, the monsters from the closet and I. So I can feel them, like tendrils wrapping up my fingers to my arms. They're warm and comforting. There's the purring sounds they made, the little coos and chirps. We even make the same sounds. I wonder if I'll become one of them, lulling the other Imaginaries to sleep when their children grow too old to need them.

It would not be such a bad fate. They live in closets and under beds, in the cracks under bookcases. Children think they are monsters in a very literal sense, like a killer Clown or  a crouching werewolf. But they're actually the monsters that stand guard at night to keep the real evils away. They gained their experience at the foots of beds, and graduated to these much more real posts barring things that might really hurt children from reaching them.

Yes. I don't mind disappearing. After all, a nap sounds glorious. Everything but my heart feels so light. That feels hot and heavy. Like a coal on fire, it's licking flames dying out. The last of me fading.

There is no trace of me left in this house. Where Kaden used to see me in his family portraits he will see only air.

From now on I will leave no traces, but the monsters tell me I will still be here. I will be where I am needed, protecting Kaden, Lillian next door, Seounghee where Kaden has never even been. I will even get to protect Kaden's children, and theirs.

I am Fading, but not disappearing.

But I wish I'd gotten to say 'Goodbye'.

Author's Note

I haven't written much in a very long time, and I didn't give much thought before starting this. I just wanted to let it go and see where it went. I hope you enjoy!