Penitent

Thank you Richard for your support and suggestions on my sonnets ... :)

P E N I T E N T

The chains, long forged, from dark, persistent paths

of blackened rock that smothers golden fields …

Akin to dragon's caldron swirling wraths

red scallion plates so thickly plied to shield.

Youth's steady stream of brazen, hot desires

as sunset looms on spent horizon's line

to steady reins of stallion's pulsing fires;

thus, rising bright, a new celestial sign …

Releasing now, imprisoned for so long,

the true and lasting Heaven's ringing call

in ageless joy of spirits sung in Psalms …

if one but trusts the Star of David's laud.

A rose forgiven each it's hoary thorns;

and thus made perfect, halos now adorn.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Dave W.]

I really liked this; you have talent for sure. The imagery was vivid, written experience pure.

[Einstein Noodle]

thank you for your time taken to read and review .. it's always helpful to have input from those who visit .. peace, love and joy!
E.

[Poetic Beauty]

Breaking the chains of past sins that have long since transpired and learning to forgive ourselves as God has forgiven us is not an easy task.

I love the images used in this poem to get the idea across

[Einstein Noodle]

thank you for taking time and i feel grateful for your encouraging review ... yes! we have such a struggle to forgive ourselelves at times .. it is almost sinful as it disregards the immense love of our Creator .. who truly loves and forgives and wants all the best for us to be. ;)
E.

[Poetic Beauty]

Absolutely i have a hard time forgiving myself

[Einstein Noodle]

[Anita Frader]

I'm reminded a bit of Queen's " I want to break free ". At least I think that's the name of the song. :)
The desire to free one's self from burden and find redemption.

[Einstein Noodle]

what a loss ... and tragic death of Freddie ... Queen so incredible .. "breaking free" is exactly the point of repentance, forgiveness and really letting all the past go ... simply to dissipate into the ether ;) love your comment Anita ... thank you for visiting and letting me know your thoughts
E.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

'Penitent'
Einstein Noodle,
From 'chains long forged' to reference of a 'dragon's swirling cauldron' and its 'red scallion plates.' From this intro of power within the legendary timeless to a story of redemption's reality. I was inspired by this poem's feeling of concise and traditional beauty.
'stallion's pulsing fire' to 'celestial sign' connected with youth's passion. I think people understand the humanity within this piece. The ending was so fitting.
A rose forgiven each it's hoary thorns;
and thus made perfect, halos now adorn.
Blessedly beautiful!
Kathy

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my dear friend .. your comments bless me so!! as i have shared before .. sonnets are not easy for me .. they take me a long time just to get a first draft .. but once done .. so satisfying .. that the point comes through for you is more than i could ask .. blessings of joy and health
E.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Thank you very much. Keep up your honest and relatable work. I do like it so.
Blessings to you in your life experiences Mr. Einstien Noodle!

[Thomas W Case]

Brilliant work. Shakespeare would be jealous.

[Einstein Noodle]

i don't quite think so .... but thank you very much for the encouraging review .. i'm happy you enjoyed it
E.

[Richard🖌]

Gene, My Dear Friend 🌾

You are most humbly welcome for my help … I am always happy to oblige an olde bard. : )
I am ever amazed at how malleable your skills are that you can so easy shift from abstract Prose or Free Verse mode into classically structured poetry … mustless, the most challenging, deeply expressive of all classical forms, the English Sonnet.
Among the many, one aspect of your poetry I admire is the unique ability to create imagery through the use of unique metaphor and clear simplicity in spot-on iambic pentameter verbiage.
Re: the title....
Perhaps, rethink the title when applying it to your poem … Penitant is a misspelling.
Alternatives:
Pendant: remorseful, ashamed, sorry, penitent, apologetic, contrite, regretful, rueful, etc. Penitent: contrite, regretful, rueful, remorseful, apologetic, chastened, ashamed, shamefaced, guilt-ridden. ANTONYMS impenitent.
Inasmuch that I know of your penchant for perfection, here are a few issues that jumped into the teacher's eye:
Easily addressed rhyme issues in V1 L4, "shields" to fit "fields" in L2.
V3 L2, "Heaven's ringings awed" to fit L4, "Star of David's laud."
Heroic couplet L2, "and thus made perfect halo, now adorns." to fit "A rose forgiven each, it's hoary thorns;" in L1.
One thing there's no doubt about, Dear Gene; with a bit of practice, you'd give the most accomplished sonneteer a good go for the money! And another thing; I must give you resounding "KUDOS!" for how beautifully you've explained the pure essence of what true penitence/repentance means.

Love the perfect photo, music choice, and truly valuable lesson for us all.
A most stellar Sonnet effort, my very skilled, very flexible friend! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Einstein Noodle]

thank you always for in depth constructive critique Sir Richard. the title spelling is correct ;) the rest .. all reflect a laudible command of the language and form .. that's why those like me approach you my dear friend ... i revert to classic forms when inspiration fails me .. it lends gravity and firmness to my life .. the English sonnet most of all .. thank you again for your help and your additional pointers .. i will keep on trying sir .. always
E.

[Einstein Noodle]

ohhhhhhhhhhhh! i just saw that the top title is misspelled ... am changing it this next moment :)

[Richard🖌]

Well,
You're certainly welcome, Gene.
Of course, full reviews with experienced critique is meant to be utilized in correcting a poem's issues, errors, and weak points in some functional manner … elsewise, they're simply moot banter.
Yes, I know you'll always strive to do your best … you always have. This is why I persist in pitching-in when asked and invited, rather than giving-up. : )

[Patricia Wedel]

Very beautiful poetry… Gene .. there is Hope .. when Spring appears … with tearful fears…. Softly, Pat

[Einstein Noodle]

Thank you Pat! ... yep, hope can spring up any ol' time.

[Soren]

"A rose forgiven each it's hoary thorns;
and thus made perfect, halos now adorn."
What a magnificent poetic set of lines pregnant with metaphor and imagery.
The first stanza caught me by surprise and I had to reread it several times to catch its potential meaning. It drips with imagery and various potential meanings. I chose to see it as a literal description but also a symbolic description leading into the next stanza looking back on youth and its throbbing wildness. The next stanza could be Zionistic but I take it as a call faith and redemption from what preceeded in in the previous passages. This reads as a masterful work.

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness .. i am red in the cheeks and forever humbled by such a noteworthy review. thank you so very much .. yes .. wild youth, revelations and repentance brings us to a very special place in life eh!?
Peace and joy
E.

[Re-Pete]

terrific, poignant imagery. so well said. confession is not only good for the soul but lightens the burden and saves our back as you know who has it and paid the price... :)

[Einstein Noodle]

yes yes and yes again Pete! thanks always for your support here at the Cafe' ... one can pick up the Bible or any book on Social Work, Psychology, Psychiatry etc .. and find the admonitions to "get it off our chests" .. i think you feel me brother .. thanks so much
E.

[Nusquam Esse]

Your writing has evolved over the last decade. Your usage of words has become more natural, and your final stanza is really good.

[Einstein Noodle]

my dear old friend :))))))))))))))))))))))))) so happy to see you active here at the Cafe' .. thank you for your compliment and encouragement to keep working on creative writing .. i have been very dry for about a year and when that happens i turn to classic forms .. i have to work hard at them as my natural preference is abstract ... i ran this past Richard before posting it and he gave me a few pointers which i took .. best of the coming new year sir ... hope to continue seeing you here!
E.