The Embroidered Mind

The Embroidered Mind

A Story by Einstein Noodle
"

My first short story attempt. I started it for a class I took on-line. I hope you enjoy it.

"
                                           Chapter I (pretty much done)
"It seems so much like a dream. Dejahvu if I had a word for that. Once again here I am in this place. This old place, my place." 
(Old Bulgaria, rich with history and cultures; but poor with substance. )
"I wish this were a dream."
She was falling short of stature; enduring a certain quiet servitude. Her beauty, a close companion to her face, yet never reflected in her eyes nor step. Pulling on heavy boots that drag her thighs down; down to the core of her world. 
"I feels like rows upon rows of tiny, sharp, hooked teeth. Why can't I close my mouth?".... 
Words fail. They stuck like cotton and peanut butter on the roof of her mouth; on her dry tacky tongue .... on sharp hooked teeth. Fear and anxiety writing tracks across her eyes and in the corners of her mouth, she says ;  
"This has to be a dream,"
Her silent companion, unseen, is a  wizened, long- tailed mouse; who sits  quietly, nose twitching. 
"I love my teeth." he sighs and Nibbles morsels of a large, black, hard shelled beetle. The crunching resounds across his silence. Rigbey the Mouse is all knowing.
Rigbey feels the cold quiet and tweeks his ears. Touches the ends of his moistened whiskers. They tell him things. 
Rigbey wears a glossy, full grey coat declaring fine health and abundance. He absorbs everything in  the world as easily as slicing Gutta cheese. Everything but the tight, black, crack hidey hole in the wall. The entrance of which is foreboding. Shaking visibly, Rigbey quickly looks away. Like a mini-black hole it flashes dark warnings of danger larger than life. Perhaps larger even, than the mouse. Rigbey thinks that the wondering is the Black Hole's key ...... looking up Rigbey sees her ... glancing quickly away from that darkness. 
"I know her name", he says, "her name seems to me solid but she is not. Look how terrified she looks!"
 
Ruth is kneeling on red callous knees, convinced, if she gets close, her very fiber will be pulled apart. Sucked  into, and down, and lost forever where the very atoms of being are blown apart. Its the empty darkness that calls and repels her.
There was a time, she remembers, painting herself in the colors of Gypsies and Celts ...of Romans and Slavs. Embroidered and dancing Spring colors woven on simple looms, solid farm fabric that  hangs a comfort over her shoulders and tells of her mother's hands. Ruth pulls on thick leather shoes. She has no socks. Her hands are hard and worn;  but there are daisies to dream of and so she dreams. 
An unusual tick in her right shoulder started when she was a girl and so, for her, it has always been there. Drawing the shoulder up and back so quickly it is hardly noticeable. Like the shutter of a camera ... she knows her imperfection....
Ruth thinks she was happy during those times; but It might have been imagined. 
"I wish it were so." she tells herself. 
"I wish it wasn't such a dream to have happiness in my life. .... at least in the memories" she sighs. 
                                
All the time spent in her prison she is guarded by that mouse. He remembers everything. Ruth, peeling her hands from scrub brushes, the dark brown strands of hair, undone, swinging across her cheeks. 
She lifts her head to brush them back and suddenly remembers breathing. An amazing thing! It seems so long since she felt that breeze; the movement of cleansing .... of breathing. 
Dark and smoke smudged soot surround her. Suffocating cobble stones, damp; and smelling of old salamanders and the river. Rock colored floors and walls. She knows them intimately....by name almost.  Her knees feel the cold rounded skin of them, as if she held hands with familiar friends and spirits while the mouse scurries across the room.......
"I'm tired of paying attention!" he chortles to himself. A brief smile turning the corners of his mouse mouth to the corners of his mouse eyes.
Ruth reflects on the foreboding that keeps her from probing the Black Hole. A ferocious spirit compels her to search it ... to uncover ... reveal the terrible fears. The mouse knows she never has ... and never will.
"Ruth!" ........................"Ruth!" 
The gravel and animal behind his voice hits like vinegar on wounds. Without looking, she knows his stout stance. His dark features betray his greasy soul. His voice  shouts of nothing gentle. His name is Brian. 
Wearing the clothes of a peasant, Brian lords over her with ill gotten ease. He sees her below like some kind of slop not worthy for pigs. He thinks he knows better, is better; better than anyone. Brian wears black boots that cover his thick shins. A full black beard is not a complement. It is reprehensible in some way one can't quite put a finger on. Perhaps it is  his soul that shows in his beard.
"Yesss?" She strangles through those hooked teeth. 
She doesn't look up but tries to make it sound nice. 
"Yes?"
The mouse has felt this terror many times before; as well as the sadness. His long and graceful whiskers twitch. There are four on the right side; and five on the left. Not perfect, but working well.
"I am Mouse. I have escaped all the traps and poisons. I have resisted all the temptations and this Man will not prevail. I know this as God only knows." he whispers.
Ruth's coldness seeps, .... no .... concentrates the deep muscles. Her ballerina toes wrench inside her boots. Her shoulders grasp the cold and will not let go. She twitches; It forces her to move. Even a slight change of position will bring some relief. Reddish brown of the chains inhibit the sharpening of knives. She will kill him she consoles herself; and allows sleep to drop into her eyes. 
Through a distant somewhere light...... she will waken. 
Chapter II
The Brooklyn is coming alive. Its 6 AM and street noises of all kinds have awakened.
Janet tries hard to shake her sleep. The dreams have captured her zen and stopped any rem sleep for many months now. Its 7 am. She has slept fitfully for almost 6 hours. Not too bad for an insomniac. Robot-like, the coffee pot fills itself with Dunkin' Donut. Dark roast. Its aroma making the needed pry on her resistant lids. Into her small but adequate bathroom for the refreshing. Cold water helps draw her into the moment. 
Back into the kitchen, she reaches for the top shallow drawer containing silver and black plastic utensils. Her choice is the black knife. Using it, she  smears her bagel with raspberry and Philadelphia. The cream cheese is a treat she refuses to give up. 
"I really don't look THAT bad do I?" she consoles her woman's guilt.  
Out side the air is tinted with fall to come. Dusty concrete, and industrial smoke try to rob the freshness; but she is focused on the crisp crunching of toasted bagel and a fog of memories. Her bus will be right on time. As she hurries out the door, she is thinking about Ruth, Brain and the mouse. Vivid waking dreams have been trained with medications but at night they continue to disturb her. 
"Good morning Janet!" ...every day the same grey words from the bus driver. In her mind's eye, Janet barely catches the flash of grey mouse and pink tail slipping between the steel grating and drops into a dark hole.
 "Good morning Brian." she sing songs back to him, fingering the sharp edged blade held in her pocket. 

© 2018 Einstein Noodle


Author's Note

Einstein Noodle
i think i am done revising this for now. time to move on from it and perhaps dust it off one day for added chapters. For all who take time to read it through i am much appreciative. i know how precious your time is. thank you for all the critiques ... i have taken them to heart and made changes ... hopefully for the better ;)

My Review

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Featured Review

Hey You!

What a treat and thank you for asking me to give you some feedback. I didn't know there was a MOOC for Short Stories this year. I would have loved to have joined in on that one. Maybe I shall go back a peruse the notes.

Your story :D - I am glad I didn't read you authors note first as you would have given it all away!!

I think you should do us reader a favour and make the font size larger - some f us wear reading glasses these days you know, :)

Characters:

Honest and believable. I was taken aback when I met Rigbey, but he had his place in the bigger scheme of things. I like Rigbey. Ruth, in the small space you have created here raises so many questions for us readers, I found myself thinking This way and that as to where the story was going. Janet - she's all to real for this day and age.

Plot:

Personally I have always struggled with short stories (not that I have written many), I mean where do we start and where do we finish? They are like a tiny excerpt from life that needs to be shared with the world. I feel you have mastered this aspect. You have told us just enough to keep us wondering and the conclusion wrapped all thoughts together quite nicely.

Showing the reader:

This part I would love you to revise. I reckon if you go back and think about what I am about to say you writing will be 'cracker!'. When I wrote my first novel the reviewer (a professional) pinned out how my language was 'telling' and not 'showing' - I have noticed that you do the same thing. It is a simple trick to master (showing) it just takes time and practice and this story right here is the perfect avenue.
So what am I talking about ...
Let's take the line .... She wore heavy boots that pulled her thighs down; down to the core of her world..... this is TELLING ... instead you can reword this into the fabric of the story without stating out loud what you want the readers to take in. Hmmm let me think of an example for instead of what you have written...

Her heavy boots anchored her to the inner core of her world. Each step reminded her of the burdens she unwillingly had to bare.

Okay, so this may or may not be in context (in your minds eye) but I am just trying to express (perhaps badly) the difference between showing and telling. Go back and read and get rid of all the words such as ... feel. was and sentences that start with she. A good example of telling is this line ...

Her silent companion, unseen, is a wizened, long- tailed mouse; who sits quietly, nose twitching.

I wonder how you can weave him into the fabric of the story without directly shoving him in our face? :D

I found a video that may help :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW5aIO-hUZI

Language:

Your poetic style creeps right into this piece and it works extremely well. Your descriptions are spot on. Not overcrowded, just nicely stated and it is easy to conjure images.

Other:

Janet creeps into your story like a slap in the face. I'm uncertain yet weather this is a good thing or not :D I do think you need a space between the Ruth story and the Janet story - or. maybe you did this deliberately?

Janet brings an immediate and somewhat welcome shift, the day all of a sudden seems brighter (I actually felt that) even though I think Janet has her own issues to deal with, when you use language like zen and rem sleep and 'not too bad for and insomniac' I get the feeling Janet is in more control than her dream buddy Ruth (or is it all a facade).

I like the twist Rigbey gives to your story. I think you need to be careful in a short story of jumping straight into character description, this is definitely an area where you have to weave the characters into the folds of the story to catch the readers attention straight away. Be careful of over describing characters unnecessarily.

Excellent effort E. You have inspired me to sit and write. Thanks for that. Let me know if you revise or if I didn't make sense anywhere.

Love ya big big XXXXX

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

great review my friend ..the showing aspect as you say is not easy ...i will take your critique to h.. read more
KWP

6 Years Ago

I agree - showing is not as easy as one imagines, it takes time and practise. I still haven't got th.. read more



Reviews

Well EN, seems I've come late to this party. lol I'm a believer that writing prose helps enrich all writing. I agree with you, let it set, come back to it a week/month/year from now. One thing I can say is the further this story developed, the more focused your narrative became. So if you aren't already doing this, write prose every day. It doesn't have to be a story. Write stream of consciousness, write prose from a picture prompt, keep experimenting. I find this practice helps in all aspects of my writing process, concept/structure/voice/ and in the editing/rewrite process AND... with writers block. Many times on rewriting, I inevitably "homogenize" the original content, but much of the rich feelings and imagery and originality remain, it just becomes more relatable to the reader. Hope this helps.

Posted 5 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

5 Years Ago

i absolutely appreciate your input and encouragement! thank you for taking time ... i am not a proli.. read more
When an insomniac gets fitful sleep, in her dreams alter ego comes alive... but provides no relief! Janet brings to mind a mixed personality of Cinderella and Alice in wonderland yet so very different! Such a beautiful style of writing, I am glad you have taken up writing stories, dear E. I hope you write many more.

Posted 5 Years Ago


Mrudula Rani

5 Years Ago

It would be wonderful if you could add more chapters... I am fascinated to know how does Janet's day.. read more
Einstein Noodle

5 Years Ago

thanks so much once again Mrudula .. you are very encouraging and i am determined to get to work on .. read more
Mrudula Rani

5 Years Ago

I am happy to know that you will be adding more to this wonderful story. Wishing you all the best, d.. read more
Maybe a bit of justice severed in your last line.

Your story is very entertaining. Your added touches give it depth. Now I'm ready for a spot of coffee.
I think you will enjoy storytelling you are very good at it.

Posted 5 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

5 Years Ago

thank you so much for taking time to read this ... the class actually made me think i might be able .. read more
I really enjoyed the characters, very nice story!

Posted 5 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

5 Years Ago

wow JungLee!!!! you read me short story!! thanks so much!! I know how important everyone's time is h.. read more
NotUsinganymore

5 Years Ago

You're welcome! happy New Years! It's the Year Of The Boar too!
Einstein Noodle

5 Years Ago

yes...i read a poem by Barley Girl that informed me of what year it is ... don't you just love this .. read more
Hi E!
This was such a treat. In particular, I adore the way you've written the characters- both in their descriptions and in their behaviors. The way you describe Rigbey's whiskers as "knowing things" adds so much depth to him; it would have been so easy just to mention "he has long cute twitching whiskers" but the way you've emphasized their meaningfulness and role in his existence is lovely and begs the reader to understand on a deeper level/from a different point of view.
I am finding that I adore the way you invite others to know your characters.The description in Brian's beard and the emphasis given to Ruth's boots and well worn hands, juxtaposed with her dreams are absolutely lovely and real.
-Child

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

oh my goodness wild child ...i could not have asked for better than to accomplish those things you m.. read more
I'm proud of you for tackling a story! I can see your poetry style all thru this. Here it feels to me like you've presented us with a trail of scenes . . . every scene is amazing & sparkling & unexpected & full of your delightful ways of describing things . . . but all the scenes taken together, well, I'm not sure about how the storyline goes, where is it going? But that doesn't really matter so much when one has lots of fun, imaginative ideas to sift thru and follow and try to figure out!?!?! *smile* Keep on trying. It took me about 30 years to finally get a hang of the short story (or any length story)! *wink! wink!* Fondly, Margie

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

i am so happy for your review on this Margie! thank you so much ... i was trying to present the drea.. read more
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BBP
I wish it was longer! lol I like how you tied it together as a dream but then possibly real in the end. Ruth's story was very vivid and intriguing. I pictured this very long ago and you painted the scene well with the cobblestone streets and the smoke filled air, I could see her surroundings. Nice read my friend!

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

ohhhhh BBP ...i am so happy to have your review ...thank you for taking time ... the Cafe' has been .. read more
The steadfast mouse Rigbey, in the dream felt like the central character to me. Perhaps drawn from the subconscious for reasons unknown. Great descriptions and story telling and I could picture the dream vividly. Love the description of Brian’s soul. The ending, left open, felt intriguing. To me, It could lead anywhere from murder to self-harm. What was darker, the dream or the reality? And interesting tale.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

my fine new friend!! i appreciate you reading my tale .. its so interesting to me how many who have .. read more
Dhara_Ditzy Kat

6 Years Ago

Please send me an RR when you develop the story. I’m very interested in the short story writing an.. read more
In the beginning, I loved this line...."Her beauty, a close companion to her face". I could see her. The character study throughout is edgy and triggering. Your graphic imagery of the mouse eating the beetle did make me cringe a bit! Then, you cagey man you, you make it all a dream. Ruth is but a dream and so is the mouse...a dream induced by medication Janet takes. WOW....great writing, E....and I enjoyed every line! Lydi**

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

i feel so gratified that you read with involvement Lydia ... i could not ask for more ..thank you so.. read more
Lydia Shutter

6 Years Ago

It was truly a pleasure for me, E....a great piece of writing. *
it's wonderful with a touch of eerie pseudo psycho flair, especially the ending, where she fingers the knife , I wonder what the poor bus driver has done but in a confused mind driving her to her daily hell but seem a serious offense. I love the mouse , how you described the characters and the plot is fresh, I seriously can't believe this is your first attempt at short story! It kept my attention even when I know I have to get going or I'll be late for work :D (fingers coffee cup)

Posted 6 Years Ago


Einstein Noodle

6 Years Ago

wow...i could and would ask for no more ..what an encouraging review Corset and you hit on all the p.. read more

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Added on September 30, 2018
Last Updated on October 9, 2018

Author

Einstein Noodle
Einstein Noodle

Pork Rind, AK



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This morning as I began to log in to WC, it occurred to me what an inspiring and comfortable place this has become for me. There are so many talented people sharing, encouraging, teaching and learni.. more..

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