"Seasons" (in collaboration with Zahra)

our first attempt at the "Renga" a few changes r/t advice taken from N. Esse

"Seasons"

Chrysanthemums pierce
new earthscapes warming springshine
rainbow emitting

Daylight greets verdant yearnings
Floral colors scatter forth,

Exploding petals
Drinking rain and sun
Picnics woven in between

Ringing laughter and raindrops,
And Rejuvenations sprout

sprouting seeds seeking sleep
trailing wind and stars
east to west serenely

Zephyrs caress fuchsia morns
Vibrancy flows in gardens

compost drying. fruit and
brown stems withering
juice drips down cornered lips

arid grounds smothering with
surreal autumn golds and reds

rainbow paints the hills
grounds below hungry
to fatten before winter

anticipation gliding
through athirst landscapes of fall

thirsty roots reaching
preparing winter's breaching
lost warm days for now

winter circle glorifying
mystique nights of wintertime

ice crystals riding
Procyon, Sirius and
Betelgeuse blowing

trees adorning snow's attire
welcome gentle warmth's shower

silent blankets covering
lone caw of crow
robins herald new world

perched on sanguine beginnings
spring joyfully flutters wings

Author's Note

the three stars mentioned are called the Northern Triangle
from Poets.org renga is defined as:
"To create a renga, one poet writes the first stanza, which is three lines long with a total of seventeen syllables. The next poet adds the second stanza, a couplet with seven syllables per line. The third stanza repeats the structure of the first and the fourth repeats the second, alternating in this pattern until the poem’s end."

ours is comparatively short and we held to three lines with seventeen syllables with a couple of these in 5-7-5 .. hope you enjoy our attempt :)

Reviews

[ANTO]

I loved the linking of the stanzas - each leading to the next without losing the completeness of the piece. Very skilful writing. Like Bright Ocean Star Im a sucker for celestial references so we share a favourite stanza - having said that I was buzzed by
"perched on sanguine beginnings
spring joyfully flutters wings" too. All in all a fine collaboration you two.

[Einstein Noodle]

the two lines you quote are Zahra's ... she has been such a blessing to work with .. thank you Anto! for taking time to read and review .. your words encourage me to keep trying! :)
thank you again!
E.

[Zahra]

Thank you very much ANTO :)

[Nusquam Esse]

Well, first of all, "arid grounds covered with" is only six syllables, instead of the seven needed--other than that, this seems just fine from a technical standpoint. Although I also recommend making earthscape a single word; and perhaps cut out the redundant use of 'garden'? I enjoyed the variety of syllable schemes used for the tercets--it defied the standard haiku format, and made for a more diverse flow. Which for the record, this is an excellent example of two poets working seamlessly together--definitely a credit to the format. You capture such variety in both imagery and emotion, tapping into a diverse myriad of seasonal evolution. This does such a great job at seizing the spirit of Japanese poetry, with that same grace, vague longing, and impacting depth. The word choice is strong and creative, without becoming excessively esoteric. What can I say, this was very well worth my time to read! Great job you two.

[Einstein Noodle]

how did that line get passed us :} earth scape could be earthscape for sure .. its more correct .. redundance is boring .. was using garden to help tie the verses .. i will talk with beautiful Zahra .. i really appreciate your conscientious review .. it is these kinds of critique that continue to challenge and encourage to improve .. thanks so much Esse .. much appreciation!
E.

[Zahra]

Oh thanks for pointing out N.E, :) Next time for sure we'll spend some time revising our collab. Thanks a bunch.

[Zahra]

You said vague longing. This reminds me I was told by someone that the traditional themes of renga were longing about something, is it really?

[Nusquam Esse]

Renga is more complex than that... it generally tries to tie together the seasonal imagery with a depth of human emotion, and a sense of what is known in Japanese as Mono no Aware. Which is like a pathos for the senescence of life. That awareness of how time changes things, gives it beauty, but takes away everything... it is a longing feeling, a profound sorrow, and an elegant beauty all wrapped up in one complex emotion. This is very much a common theme in older Japanese literature, and that vague longing, which doesn't try to tie itself to anything so much as to tease the heart is a staple of much Japanese literature to this day. A popular image used to convey this is the cherry blossoms (or sakura) which for only a couple weeks bloom with unsurpassed beauty. I think this is why the Japanese have such a strong attachment to nature in their poetry, because it feels very much like an intimate metaphor for our own lives--as a way to find meaning in a cycle which otherwise would feel devoid of meaning. Hopefully that answers your question! As E can attest, I have a fair bit of passion for Japanese poetry. (I speak Japanese, lived in Japan for a while, and ADORE pre-WWII Japanese literature)

[Zahra]

Thank you Nusqaum for this wonderful explanation. I love Japanese forms, perhaps because I too love nature.

[Nusquam Esse]

There is something oddly unique about the expression they carry. Feel free to check out some of my Japanese Poetry, my Japanese is not perfect, but writing in it helps me remember what I would otherwise forget. I did my best with the translations to follow the formats bilingually. If you have an interest in Japanese poetry it may be an interesting experience to see it in both forms side by side. http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/omnimalevolent1/1322501/ Again, this was very well done; some of the best Japanese style poetry I have seen on this site to be honest!

[Zahra]

I'll definitely check yours. Writing in a secondary language can be a wonderful experience. English isn't my primary language but it is the language I'm comfortable writing in.

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

"Exploding petals
Drinking rain and sun
Picnics woven in between"


"Ringing laughter and raindrops
And Rejuvenations sprout"

"rainbow paints the hills
grounds below hungry
to fatten before winter"

"trees adorning snow's attire
welcome gentle warmth's shower"




This was Simply Gorgeous You both
did an amazing Job Stunning Nice Work!



I have not yet Collaborated with you
ever have I, I've did a Collaboration
with Wordman the piece is called
Promise Land.



if you ever want to Collaborate together
on a poem I would simply love it I love doing
poems with other poets.



Thank you for stopping by
my page.

God bless. Benita

[Einstein Noodle]

i absolutely would ... it is such a marvelous experience to work with others .. and thank you for your kind words about this poem .. it is very gratifying to know that you felt this one and enjoyed reading .. i will message you right away! thank you again Benita!
E.

[Benita-Staebell M - KindredPoet]

you're welcome. thank you. :)

[Zahra]

Thank you very much Benita. And I love collaborations, they really broaden one's experience and creativity.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

interesting formation here...and the intense personification in the description reminds me of the wonderful description in Lord of the Rings...

and your voices blend beautifully in this.

[Zahra]

Oh thanks so much Jacob, and I like your new profile picture.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thanks on the pic....zahra...

[Einstein Noodle]

glad you enjoyed .. and i agree .. great pic! love the Lord of the Rings .. especially the elven lore in it .. Battle or the Five Armies will be out soon .. i will be there for sure .. thanks again for taking time Jacob .. much appreciated
E.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

my only problem with the new Hobbit movies is that they made three movies from the one book...and it wasn't that long...i loved the way Jackson did The Lord of the Rings trilogy...oddly, i am not a fantasy fan at all, and yet i read Hobbit 4 times and the trilogy three, also read The Simarillion....and found all of that to be the best thing i ever read in my life...

[Einstein Noodle]

right there with you brother .. the elongated Hobbit is a $ thing in my opinion .. but love them all just the same .. so cool to meet one who read the Silmarillion .. it needs to e the next movie says i! ..
E.

[Zahra]

The Simarillion? Oh and I love LOTR and The Hobbit books. I have seen only one hobbit movie and agree they didn't need to do it 3 parts.

[MsJewel]

Oh...this is lovely. The images created are wonderful.
Exploding petals
Drinking rain and sun
Picnics woven in between

A stunning collaboration!

:)Julie

[Zahra]

E comes up wonderful metaphor always. Thanks a bunch Julie.

[Einstein Noodle]

hey Ms. Jewel! thank you for such encouraging words .. love and peace to ya!
E.

[Rita L. Sev]

You two met this challenge wonderfully - a well formed poem with great imagery. Many praiseworthy lines, but this image kept calling me back to it: Zephyrs caress fuchsia morns...

Very much enjoyed!

[Zahra]

Thank you Rita xoxo

[Einstein Noodle]

those are beautiful Zahra's words :) she does inspiring work .. and thank you for reading and letting us know what you think .. always appreciated Rita
E.

[Rick Puetter]

I am very impressed. This is very nice, indeed. Highest marks. A rare 98 rating. I've never given higher.

Cudos! One of which to be proud.

Very best regards,

[Einstein Noodle]

wow! that is so generous of you! thank you so much for your encouraging review .. thank you!
E.

[Zahra]

Oh thank you so much Rick, glad you liked it.

[Rick Puetter]

Yep. This is a beauty of a piece.

[R Smith]

excellent writing from two remarkable writers enjoyed this very much :)

[Zahra]

Thanks a lot Richard, glad you liked it. :)

[Einstein Noodle]

yes! thank you Richard! so glad you enjoyed! .. and nice to meet you :)
E.

[R Smith]

likewise Einstein :)

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Oh wow, I loved it.

Kaze~

[Zahra]

Thank you very much Katherine! :)

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome.

[Einstein Noodle]

grateful for your support ... it is such a pleasure to work with Zahra .. she is so eloquent ..thank you again for stopping to read and comment
E.

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Anytime. :-)

[Valentine]

Going from one season unto another, a very nice write. Valentine

[Zahra]

Thanks a bunch Valentine.

[Einstein Noodle]

the renga is such a pliable yet solid form .. i was so pleased to find it along with Zahra and work this one out .. very rewarding endeavor .. would do another in a flash .. well maybe more than a flash .. it took us three or four ;)
E.