CHAPTER ELEVEN

 

CHAPTER ELEVEN: COMPLICATIONS

 

            It was strange, running in liberation with absolutely no clearance or vision up ahead. The night was buzzing of an eerie silence I had been accustomed to awhile ago… I sighed heavily into the silence so I could taste it for myself.  The air did a duet with my strands of hair and tiny hairs that were now prickling on my arms and neck, feeling it across my face like a bucket of ice water. Was it possible that this tranquil was real and that the loneliness was actually a solute to my solvent self? After having my heart torn out and my meaningless confirmed, things didn’t seem so complex, though I did question the darkness. How did the darkness sober me of fear when I had spent so long in it? Maybe it wasn’t the darkness I had grown unwarily about but what was lurking in it. Darkness came in two forms; the kind we see in front of us on a frigid night. in a closed box, or in our own head and the kind that we find only after the lights have been turned on.

            Running; my feet hit the dirt, the wind pulled my face, going light with no thoughts except the plain knowledge that I was enjoying this.

“WOO!” I whooped, running faster, leaping over a log and kicking my legs in midair before landing with my already running, flapping legs. The whoosh of friction against my body, the chill of the atmosphere, the sound of my feet scrapping against the forest floor, the constant little bleep of my heart beat in my ears and my swift breathing made me feel alive. Alive in that I had escaped from something. “WOO!” I screamed again, laughing heartily and making a random left turn. I was so angry that my movements were an outburst of fury or an act of violence. The trees around me, for a second, looked like a bunch of airtight blurs as I made my turn, then noticing how everything was kissed with the moon and starlight. Maybe it was the coldness of the rampaging September that numbed my limbs and heart, preventing me of pain of what I had left  behind and the every thud of my body on the hard ground. I didn’t mind that it looked like I was on a carousel, enjoying too much to care about anything and letting my emotions flush away. My legs propelled me, soaring over the roots, shrubs and whatever microscopic critters infested below as I flapped my arms into the air, stretching for something to hold onto or brush my fingertips against the neutral sky. My landing was graceful and didn’t stop my momentum, still pedaling my legs faster even though my lungs were persistent to get the best of me. Now my body was just running on thrill, seeming to have burned up all my emotions and thoughts. “WOO” I let out a last whoop as I finally let the forest fuel me.

            It didn’t take long before the icy drips of sweat drooled over my face and dampened my clothes, halting with my gusts of gasps as exhaustion finally caught up with me and clenched my calves and torso. I collapsed to the ground so the dirt could lick up the sweat and maybe cushion my throbbing head, worried to put my fingers to the gauze and pull back to see traces of blood. The cramps in m y body wouldn’t stop, wiggling my back in the wash of the light from the moon and stars, staring up to the sky that was made up, mostly, of bushy trees, seeing little missing jigsaw puzzle pieces of the real sky. Why did I like this liberation of loneliness so much? Was it the luxury of real packaged food or tremendously clean toilets ,I had been using for the past few months, becoming too much for  me that I wished to seek to break away from it? No… that wasn’t it. It was the silly idea that I was punishing Ian when he clearly stated he didn’t care what happened to me… and it was the refreshing thought of controlling my own life. There would be no one to lecture me after every raid, no one would be looking for me if I sneaked into the night or let the lake disperse over me and there wouldn’t be any pain-- at least that was what I thought. A part of me still wanted Ian and wanted, desperately to believe he hadn’t meant those words. But I refused to subjugate myself to hope and flattery, again.

            Lunging up was harder than I thought it would be, gripping a wrinkled tree trunk to support me, staring through the forest that was a mass of black bulges and darkness. All in all, it was very creepy yet fulfilling and extravagant. I walked blindly, not sure what I was doing and exactly why I was but it all felt right, so releasing or just immensely stupid—or both. Ian would kill me for running out, that is if I returned. He would still be pretending to care about me and would fight me on my independence, but there was nothing he could do now. It was stupid, I guess, to leave a warm, stocked-up, house full of people I knew for mindless stumbling in the dark with the hope of finding a miracle. Imaging myself living in a tree to keep away from an irate Ian, surviving off slugs for food and using leaves for toilet paper made me laugh, aching a bit as my laugh dinged through the darkness with the other sounds of wildlife. Well, at least I didn’t’ have to worry about this until the morning when I could actually see, Ian would be looking for me, and I’d be searching for a new home. For now, I would be wondering mindlessly through the terrain of Big Bear, thinking about nothing or trying to. My mind never slept and there was nothing that hadn’t passed my thoughts. Every thought had to be burdened on every object and every person who came up to me. Now, it was leaning towards thoughts of Ian. It was tiring— I snagged a root, stumbling into a tree, scrapping my jagged cheekbone, gritting my teeth at the sting as sweat clung to the minor wound, feeling it go tight as the air sucked on it.

“Ugh” I pressed a finger to it, wincing when the air gave a kick of bitter coldness that I lapped up sweetly. Closing my eyes up to the sky, darkness seeping through my lids and ,at the same time, I ignored a little twig of bristly pine needles stroking my face. The sky opened before me like a show of sparkling lights, standing in awe before a stage of dancing stars, unable to contain my amazement in my thoughts and letting my breath slow in my fascination.

“What am I doing?” taking my glance to the ground that was a blank screen, just picturing what it looked like by the sounds of the crunching leaves and squish of moist dirt. Stones pushed up against the thin soles of my shoes, not willingly to get worked over it.

            Time passed, the sky looking over me and swirling in an array of colors in the hands of tranquil time, watching it morph from morbid black to a kissable peach with highlights of light blue slowly diffusing through. My eyes were burning from an animated night of walking and absence of rest. My head bubbled from the spoils of constant thoughts and outpour of trees. My sight and senses were lopsided and my knees were numb. The vicious chill was nipping through my clothes and chewing on my still pale skin. What the hell had I been thinking?

“Ian” I murmured, my heart began to thump for one of his giant, bear hugs. I was too sleepy to remember what had happened last night. “Ian- AH!” my knee wiggled out of place as I stepped onto a slope, tumbling downward and lucky to whiz my head away from a tree. After many spins, I was able to control part of my body and slid on my side, feet first. The slope wasn’t long, shuffling to a stop, gripping my fingers into the crunchy earth of early, fallen leaves. I wiped my hands on the back of my jeans to rub away the sticky, prickly leaf bits. “Damn, I tore my pants” examining the damages, seeing the fringed hole on the side of pants with a thick smudge of dirt on the side. I shrugged to myself. About time. My body was a bit jittery now; more awake than before the fall now that I had lovely, moist mud smudged on my face and stupid fall leaves shoved half way up my nose. I combed some leave fragments out of my hair that felt like a ribbon of silk now that I could have shower whenever I felt like it.

            The sky was still changing, a few clouds now becoming more visible as I romped through, lumbering past the trees and sometimes flicking some dead bark off the trunk of a tree. I rounded a clump of trees, leaping onto a log and balancing on my toes and beginning to sprint with a tilted stance. Making an outrageous, playful jump before landing, tipping my head up and startled at the sight of a cabin a few yards away. Tentatively, I peered at it, rotating on the balls of my feet to get a clear snapshot view of it through the trees that were cutting up the image of the cabin. It was a small, cozy cabin from far away. It was a house built of tarnished wood logs and a roof of a funky red that surprisingly hadn’t faded. A chimney spout poked out of the roof in bricks, seeing a tangle of leaves and pine needles clamped on top. It was hard not approach it, wondering if someone or something inhabited. Taking my chances, I strode up to it and wondered if I had a reason to be cautious.

            The door was, unfortunately, not lacking intimidation. A new door mat  half buried with a worn out message on the front that was incoherent but welcoming, snagged on my foot as I approached the door. There were two windows on each side of the door with holey windows curtains draped over and empty flower beds hooked under them. “HELLO?” I bellowed, knocking on the door that gave a dull clunk. Nothing. “Hello?” I opened the door that gave shriek as it slowly swung to a semi-large living room that was showered in dust and pesky cobwebs that were also dangling by the ceiling. It was vacant of human life. Stepping through the door way and battering the cobwebs before entering, I let my eyes roam over. There were a few pieces of out dated furniture that sat lonesome with dusty sheets covering them. The floor was paneled wood but it was hard to determine the color of it with the gray dust sprawled upon it. I looked back as I stepped further into the cabin, watching the light drift in and the path of dust particles following it. The smell of dust stung my nostrils and parched my throat, trying to waft away the stinging in my eyes with erratic blinking as I explored farther into the cabin, seeing a door frame, minus the door. I went through it, into a small bedroom with a bed and small dresser that had light pink and yellow daisies painted on the side. There was dust coated on the clear vase standing on top of it, a bunch of dried roses poking at the top with hardly a charred petal to be called a flower. An open door to the side led to the bathroom, giving the toilet a flush and I was surprised that it actually worked. I flipped the faucet on the cracked, basin sink, jumping as it gave a piercing sprit of water before going to a normal stream. A light switch stood beside it, flicking it on so a low, steady beam of light buzzed upon the bathroom and made everything look dirtier. I huffed, pattering out of the bathroom and back into the living room, spotting the fireplace in the corner and another doorway that led to a tiny kitchen with a little table to go with two chairs and a old lantern sitting in one of them. Flopping onto the bulge, that I was pretty sure was a couch that dust sprayed from out of it faster than a hairspray, I began to think. No one lives here—there’s water and electricity and it’s completely isolated. Who used to own this place? They’re probably dead. I shivered, now feeling I had intruded in someone’s home. It’s well furnished. I could live here. No one could find it. I could clean it up and I would have my own home. This was perfect, so perfect that I leaned back on my new couch and imagined the remainder of my life in this home… without anyone else. It felt morbid to live without anyone but that was what I wanted and I knew I would come to adapt to the immersion of loneliness.

            I could still feel the blood between my thighs but it should have been dry by then over the long lapse of time I had taken hiking back to Ian’s house and a making notches on trees with my blade to find my way back. I knew I would come to regret visiting him but it wouldn’t be right to disappear without expressing my gratitude for his hospitality. He had given me a roof over my head, food, clothing and a few comfortable months of his company. I was in debt of his services and would do my best to show my thankfulness towards him. It had been a few days since I had ran away with no disturbance by Ian or anyone else. The days had given me time to think and sulk as well as cool down my emotions and realize that Ian’s fake interest had just been another service to make me as comfortable as possible and hadn’t had the intention of hurting me. But it still crippled my heart that he didn’t truly care or love me, even as a friend.

            I ended up on the right flank of the house, cutting through the long grass, that been growing on the side, and curved across the front lawn to hop onto the stone path. My van was gone, pausing on the steps in disbelief that I had trekked uphill through layers of pine needles and leaves only to stand on the front lawn of a house that belonged to the man I was supposed to talk to and who wasn’t here. There was always the possibility that he had parked in the garage, almost wishing he wasn’t there. I was beginning to doubt my strength to face him, the pain still strong enough to confiscate me back into the cabin for a month or so. Sucking in my gut, I marched up the steps and pounded on the door, grimacing at my reflection in the glass. The glossy bear baked in the autumn Sun as the hardly present breeze whispered to the new, glass wind chimes. The clattering of the colored shards of glass heightened my nerves, rolling my feet from the balls of feet to the toes and stroking my bare skin, vulnerable by the large rip that I had augmented in my desperate release of boredom.

“Hello?”

“Ah, yes! Hi!” I chirped, Margaret peeking her freshly caked face through the doorway, a few locks of her hair flipping over her confused eyes. “Is Ian here? I just wanted to thank him for everything… and of course to you” she narrowed her penciled brows, letting the door fully open.
”Sorry, Ian left awhile ago and won’t be back for a very long time”

“Oh. Just tell him I found a place of my own”

“You did?” her face perked, twirling a stand of her curled hair on one of her toothpick fingers and tucking it behind her ear. “Good! Ian’s going to be very happy. I hope you invite me over to help decorate”

“Yeah, sure” the funny thing about Margaret, she never could quite grasp my avoidance and absence of interest in fashion and interior design. I had often become a prisoner to her rambling on dresses and curtains when she was grounded at home with Ian and Nick safely out of her clutches. Another weird trait about Margaret was her ability to pretend as if nothing had ever happened. She was friendly when a few weeks ago she had slapped me and told me to get out of the house in the first place. “That sounds marvelous”

“I know! Well, thanks for stopping by. Ian won’t be here—“

“SAM!” Nick fumbled to get past Margaret and collided into me, feeling my heel on the edge of the step so I was now holding Nick just to keep from tumbling down the steps. “Samantha! Where did you go? I was supposed to teach you to skateboard”

“I’m sorry, I had stuff to do” I stiffened against his bony chest, wondering if he was performing an act too. I shook away the nonsense, squeezing him harder so I could replace the time apart from him.

“I just put in a movie, come in and watch with me”

“I can’t do that” I murmured, sad to push him away and ditch on him again. “I got to go”

“But, why? This is your home, too”

“Not anymore” blurted Margaret, stepping in between our conversation. “She’s got a place to live now” Nick scowled at her, returning his long glance at me.

“She’s kidding, right? You came back to stay with us.”

“No, she’s right. I have to go, I’m sorry”

“No, you can’t.” he yanked my arm, remembering how strong he really was. “Ian’s going to be here soon. He’s looking for you, he’ll make you stay”

“No he’s not. I’m sorry about this, Samantha” Margaret came to my side, trying to pry Nick’s cottage cheese fingers of steel off of my wrist.

“Yes he is. It’s your fault she left” Nick accused Margaret, jabbing a finger on his free hand at her. “I heard you the other week. You can’t talk to her like that”

“Nick you don’t know what you’re—“

“I hate you! You’ve changed my brother and now you’re going to take away my friend” I had never seen Nick submit himself to anger, watching his boyish face contort into a angry mask.

“Don’t talk to me like that” Margaret hissed, giving him a shove that probably felt and had the power of a poke on Nick’s scrawny yet strength embedded body. “Besides, she doesn’t belong here. She’s trying to get Ian to have an affair”

“No I’m—“

“Well I hope she is because Ian would be fifty times happy with her than you”

“You are so out of here when we are married!”

“I HATE YOU!”

“WHAT IS GOING ON?” Nick released my wrist at the interjection of Ian’s voice, sending me toppling over the edge of the step. I was prepared to feel the edge of the steps slash my back, batter the back of my thighs, and reopen the gash on my head but instead, I fell into warm arms. My fingers brushed across the chalky rock of a step, being so close to slamming into it. I twisted my head into the flaring eyes of Ian, gulping for the fire storm about to thrash upon me. Letting me crash on the steps would have been mercy and pushing me aside after catching me would have been polite.

“Oh Ian!” Margaret rushed down the steps, kneeling down to clutch Ian’s shoulder. “He’s at it again. You heard him, right?”

“Yes I heard him” his words were intended for Margaret but his harsh tone and glowering eyes with a hint of amusement were directed towards me.

“Well, aren’t you going to do anything about it?” it was easy to forget the things he had said when I was lost in his eyes smoldering like a sky full of embers. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yeah” he scooped me against his chest, Margaret rising with him, sneaking a glare under his chin at me. I was about to object as he carried me into the house, regaining the purpose I had lost in Nick and Margaret’s argument when Nick began defending himself.

“It’s her fault she left. Don’t let her send her away again”

“Sam’s not going anywhere”

“What?” Margaret and I said in unison, pressing the heels of my palms into his chest like a small child.

“Hurray! Hey, let’s go chill in my room. I put in a movie!”

“Not now”

“Ian” whined Margaret behind Ian as he set me down on the couch.

“I said, not now—Sam, sit still” he anchored me to the couch, Nick rolling next to me and wrapping a tightening hug around me. It was hard to be angry and lash at Ian when Nick was giving me the sweetest hug and attention. Ian straightened up, seeing that I wasn’t going anywhere with Nick as my choke chain. Margaret and Ian stared at each other intensely, the only thing passing between them was the rapid eye blinking and a haughty glare. Margaret’s lip quivered as she stared up at Ian, giving me a final glare before she raced up the stairs and slammed the door to their bedroom hard enough so the entire house echoed it.

“Tomorrow we can skateboard. It will get you ready for snowboarding season”
”That” I sighed, ruffling his hair “sounds very nice”. A simple visit to exchange appreciation and discuss the finding of my new home turned into a battleground of chaos and treason.

“Nick, beat it”

“No”

“Now, we’re talking”

“Yeah but you mess it up” argued Nick, sitting upright with clenched fists resting on his thighs. “And I don’t want to go upstairs”

“Fine, just go play outside or something.”

“But… “

“Nick, just go for a few minutes. I won’t leave without saying goodbye, I promise” he frowned, not appeased but left anyways to reward my soft tone. I sighed, watching him disappear through the hall and realized I was alone with Ian.

“So, why do you hate me?” scowling, I looked to Ian slunk in an armchair that frazzled his hair as let himself slide. Now that the light wasn’t so dominant here, I could see the tiredness on his face that the sunlight had hidden. Tears collected under his eyes but didn’t disperse over his slackened face.

“Ian what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just answer the question” he rubbed his palms over his eyes with a quiet sniffle.

“I don’t understand” he slapped the armrests and pulled himself upright.

“Do you know what I’ve been doing the past couple of days and nights?” I shook my head, pulling my knees under my chin as I waited for an outburst. “I’ve been searching everywhere for you. I haven’t slept once since I woke up and you were not in the house.” His voice was shaking, teetering on exasperation and exhaustion. The armchair gave a low squeak when Ian climbed out of it, pacing in front of me as he wrung his hands. “Do you know what it’s like not knowing what happened to someone you love and care about? I thought you went to the lake but I couldn’t find you there. I went swimming for hours because I thought you drowned. Then I thought maybe you went on a hike and tripped and broke your neck.” His hands were shaking energetically and his pacing was becoming short, swift sprinting in front of me. “Today, I was down at our province center to report you missing. I thought someone kidnapped you”

“Who would want to kidnap me?” I giggled, imagining a ski masked burglar slipping through my window and throwing me over his shoulder.

“It’s not funny!” he sat beside me, grabbing my wrists.

“You didn’t have to go looking for me” I ripped my wrists away from him. I was so confused by his reckless venturing for me. Why did he continue playing a caring role when I was away? It would have been easier for him if he had just overlooked my disappearance and continued living life according to normal. He said he didn’t care about me yet he had spent days searching in vain to ensure I was alive and well. “I just slipped out that night to think—“ I mused over my merriment in the dark of the forest, submersed in my emotions and celebration of my independence. It had been the most fun and peaceful thing I had done since I had arrived here besides the raids.

“You didn’t tell me or leave a note? Didn’t show up the next morning? Was nowhere to be found? What, Sam, would make you do that?” I yelped at the thunderous bangs from down the hall, Ian leaping off the couch defensively. He cocked his head, pressing my shoulder in reassurance to himself that I was still there under his protection.

“NICK?” another applauding of bangs came from down the hall, at the door. It continued on for a few minutes, getting more hurried and aggressive with every hit to the door.

“MR. CARTER! BRING OUT MISS RICHARDS NOW!” my eyes bulged out of the sockets at my name and the stern voice calling it. Another wave of knocks echoed down the hall, I searched Ian’s face for some explanation but he was stoic, looking at the hall with his hand tightening on my shoulder.

“Ian?”

“NOW!”

“Come, stay behind me” ordered Ian, hoisting me up and blocking me so I didn’t race in front of him to meet the offenders who, for some reason, were looking for me. The knocks were deafening, the door shaking a little under the blows before Ian retched it open with a stiff arm resting out in front of me. “What’s the hell is your problem?” barked Ian at two of the most daunting men I had ever seen since my return to Big Bear. They were both tall and husky in their black suits and red ties. It would have been funny to see them in this attire if they weren’t standing on Ian’s front steps for me. One of them was dark with a shaved head that made his black eyes pierce through the sockets and give him a more frightening physique. And the other one had thin, brown hair slicked back into a crusty cap that sat on his edged head. His eyes where hidden beneath a pair of dark glasses and his skin had not trace of stubble or ever having any. He grinned menacingly at Ian’s greeting and shifted his shoulders.

“We’re here to pick up Miss Richards for some questioning” his voice was smooth and emotionless like a recording on a telephone. The other man kept his numb face, staring blankly at me hiding behind the bulk of Ian’s shoulder and arm. “I don’t think so”
”You’ve prolonged this far enough. The law is above your personal wishes. We need her and her possible potential information for the good of the people and our survival” my heart quickened, they were going to force me to reveal my past.

“She doesn’t like to talk about it so go tell Shaun, Frank or whoever is running our province, to back off.” Ian shoved me farther away from the door so I was on his opposite shoulder behind the door.

“I don’t think so. Technically, you don’t even have power to have any say in Miss Richard’s affairs”

“So she’s coming with us” bellowed the other man, taking a step through the doorway and reaching around Ian for my arm.

“Get back!” hissed Ian, ramming him back onto the porch.

“Ian, no!” I screamed, the other man flicking out a gun to Ian’s head. I scrambled in front of Ian in attempts to block the point of the gun. Ian’s eyes focused on the trigger that was eye level to him as I wrapped my arms securely around him as if that could protect him from a bullet to the head. “I’ll go, just don’t hurt him”

“No, Sam” the gun clicked, tightening my grasp around him in sheer panic in that I didn’t know what to do and that Ian would get shot on my own account. These men weren’t going to leave without what they came for and didn’t care what they did to get it.

“Ian it’s fine, please” he dipped his head from the gun, pleading at him with a firm glance that was flimsy under worry. “It’ll be fine” I let my hands slip away from him, flinching when I was dragged onto the porch by a thick hand.

“Fine but I’m coming with her” Ian spat, taking a step forward into the man holding the gun to his head. The darker man chuckled lowly as the other smirked with the gun still on Ian’s forehead.

“Okay, let’s not waste time. We have a lot of question for Miss Samantha Richards” Ian pushed through the two men with a comforting hand around mine and tugged me toward the black, sleek sedan parked beside the van. Nick was holding a skateboard and staring at our approach with an astonished glimpse.

“Tell Marge the authorities are taking us in and we don’t know when we’ll be back” Nick nodded, bounding past us and the men breathing down our necks to the house. I tried to imagine the thrill and isolation I had felt running through the forest with darkness to hide me… If only I had stayed home…“You don’t have to say anything to these goons. I’ll protect you” Ian gave a rough kiss on my forehead and threw his arm over my shoulder to block the two men who would terrorize me. I nodded numbly, too afraid to speak or look up and still see the shotgun to his forehead.