CHAPTER TEN

 

CHAPTER TEN: BROKEN BELIEVER

                   

                  Nothing. It was so abrasive and final that it was constantly on my mind ever since I had been crowned it. Now I had a different outlook on my life and reconsidered my every decision and movement because I was petrified of causing any more pain than I already had. Why had I been so careless as not to see my interjection in Ian’s life and the corroding I had caused in his relationship? The damage I had already caused could not be overlooked and all I could do now was disappear.

                        Glorifying over my victory died down once I reached the base of the mountain, leaving much time to burrow into unfinished thoughts. The Sun was just beginning to unfold upon the new day and all of the inhabitants awaiting it. Light lessened the grey and brought color to the mountain I was ascending as well as the dried, green blood on my fingers and my own blood mingling with it. Sighing, I tried to find some reason for watching the day set forth, for returning home… for living. But trying to reason with this brought back the topic of nothing. If the aliens had captured or killed me, would anyone had come back to look for me, or even had given a second thought about me? I tried to lighten my heart by imagining Ian racing down the freeway with images of me flashing before his eyes and the clock racing against him to bark at him to go faster but this imagination and any other cliché daydream of someone caring enough to come back for me was deprecated and jumbled into a blur by Margaret’s words. The more engrossed I became in her words, the less eager I got to reach the summit and I wished it scared or disgusted me how easily I was accepting her words and how little I was caring about my life.

                  It wasn’t earlier and nor was it late by the time I rolled into the parking lot. Men in light jackets were grabbing the packs out of cars and wheeling them to the side of the barn, feeling a little better that they wouldn’t have to make a second trip here ,like last time, for my cargo. The shaking of my palms hadn’t gone away as I hoped but I could wipe away the blood caked on them, leaning in my seat to the car floor for my backpack.

“F**K!”

“Ouch” I bumped the back of my head on the glove box, straightening up with the backpack in my lap and Ian standing in front of the car with his palms pressed against the hood. “Oh crud” he slapped the car furiously, wishing his eyes were genial like how they were before I had left instead of being engulfed in an unfailing anger.

“F**k! F**k, Sam, f**k!” he shouted, pounding the hood of the car as he stalked to my side of car, throwing the car door open. “What the hell happened?” he roared, slamming the edge of the door with his hard palm, pushing his face into mine. “You were never in that group were you?”

“No” I was too tired and susceptible to either great rage or fits of unexplainable crying to argue with him, deciding to get the accusations and Ian’s upset over with by just telling the truth whether or not he really wanted to hear it.

                   I pushed him out of the way, slamming the door shut and swinging my backpack onto my shoulder before beginning to heave the bags of goods onto the ground, behind my car.

“Then who the hell were you with” I laughed, shaking my head at how clueless he was.

“No one. I was alone”

“What? No, how could you do that”

“Easy, I don’t tell anyone about it and do my own thing”

“That’s dangerous”

“So” Ian appeared at my side, grabbing the load from my grasp and pinning me to the car beside us.

“So? Danger can umm… let’s see, kill you!”

“I’m okay, aren’t I? I know danger” he was exhausted and he struggled to hide it under his frustrated mask and brimming anxiety. “As if you had anything to lose” I muttered under my breath.

“Where did you go?”

“Rancho Santa Margarita?”

“Rancho Santa Margarita?” the sudden change in his voice caught my attention, daring to draw my eyes away from his shoulder to his eyes. “Don’t ever go there again” he stuttered, overwhelmed and shaking in alarm. “Don’t EVER go there again!”

“But, why?” I took note to visit there more often.

“Don’t go!” he jerked my shoulders, the tendons in his neck punching through the skin to match his clenched face. “That place is crawling with them”

“No it’s not, I only met two”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, if you want to see them, there might still be part of them on the headlights” I snickered. I had been resting on the side of my car, basking in the light of a neon green sign when I peered over my shoulder to see two strong, male aliens darting towards me. It was too late to jump into the car or hide in the store I had just ransacked so they tackled me, flying over the car and slamming me against its frame. The impact of the still car against my body was shocking but I didn’t let them see it, struggling to stay conscious with the blood flow, on the back of my head, getting thicker. They hunched over me, discussing plans of my murder but they assumed I had given up or had blacked out. Using the blade Ian had strapped onto my thigh (again) I slashed it across their torsos and rammed my shoulder into the one closest to me who rolled on top of the other. Wasting no time to see if my offense had proven effective, I climbed into my car and sped off ,however the aliens were strong and chased after the car, appearing at both windows with grimy smiles. With no choice, I suddenly braked, watching them run past the car and then revved it again. They hadn’t expected my quick recover, flooring the gas so my fender met their guts.

“Two of them found you?”

“Yes” I showed him my bloodied hands, showing no reluctance in doing so. He gaped; too stunned to hold his arms against my shoulders, walking away from him as if the conversation had been terminated. If only that was true, my shoulders retched back to face Ian playing into an austere expression.

“Don’t ever go there again. We’ve lost a lot of people in that area. It’s banned”

“Okay, I won’t go there” I huffed, letting him lead me to the van. All I needed was Ian to buffer my exhaustion with silence and a smooth ride back to the house.

“I don’t understand” he began, clicking his seat belt in and beginning to pull into the street. I rubbed my fingers against my skull, preparing myself. “Why do you insist on breaking the rules? I can’t read you? I’m so confused. You put yourself in danger, you ignore me, you don’t talk, and now you’re pulling off stupid stunts! You can’t do this anymore”

“Do what?” I snapped, glaring over to him “What significance do I have in your life? Why does it matter whether or not I live or where I go? I’m not your girlfriend so stop trying to pretend I am to make me feel better.” The words didn’t mean to slip but that they didn’t really slip, they plummeted and ran out of my mouth “I can take care of myself! I appreciate everything you have done for me but I need to be by myself, now. I can’t live with you anymore” Margaret’s comment on my occupancy in her home hadn’t been left alone, one of many things I had been chipping at the past week and the car trip.

“No! Wait… I’m—“

“Here, I’ll make it simple. I’m moving out”

“What? I still don’t understand”

“I have to get out of your life” the tearing of my heart wasn’t nearly as painful as the sight of Ian’s injured face. Over the week, I had ran and planned through this thousands of times, preparing myself for any setback or sudden change but all of it hadn’t made me prepared for this. I was speechless, realizing the full extent of my words that would soon be pushed into action. It would mean no more endless nights of video games, no parting hugs or kisses on the forehead before I fell asleep, no exchange of puns or news, no more worried bickering… no more us. If what Margaret said was true, I had to step away from Ian’s life as if I was still entrapped in the underground base of the aliens or if I was dead… or as if I was nothing. The way Ian had handled my alien encounter had been the tiebreaker on this decision.

“I can’t be hanging out with you anymore. I have to find a house and live on my own.”

“But why? We have room and plenty of food and…and Nick really likes you as company” I laughed softly. I hated how much he cared.

“I have to move out sometime. You and Margaret are getting married soon”

“But you don’t have to move out. Nick is staying”

“Margaret’s not happy” I murmured, rubbing my palms on jeans furiously and was satisfied to see green streaks forming. My eyes were beginning to sting in exhaustion and my limbs were going sluggish in the stale car seat.

“What? Did she say something to you?”

“No!” I said a bit too quickly, recovering by continuing to rub my hands on my pants. “It’s just not fair to Margaret and you can’t keep me in the house forever.” He chuckled nervously, batting at the pine air freshener that I could hardly notice amongst the funk reeking in the seats and carpet floor.

“Don’t tempt me” I wished I could take his offer and pretend that my presence didn’t bother Margaret and hurt Ian’s life.

“I’m serious” he frowned, rolling back his shoulders as he twitched his head towards the side window, away from me.

“You don’t have to go yet” cautiously, I rubbed his forearm and rested my head on his shoulder for a second to tell him that I loved him, though he took it in a different, simpler interpretation. He didn’t shrug me off or complain, and why had I expected him to?           A perfect silence trickled around us with the exception of the air conditioner coughing up hot air and the engine working. The morning light was burning through the windows and drenching my clothes in a crisp warmth and flooding my shut eyelids. “Are you hurt?”

“No”

“Your head is bleeding”

“Oh, yeah” I dabbed my fingers on the back of my head, wincing a little when I pressed a little too hard. “But it doesn’t hurt much” he clenched his teeth.

“I just wish you would be more careful”

“And I wish you didn’t worry so much”

                  I screamed, thrusting myself up and clawing the darkness. The hands that had thrown me against the car a night ago was burning on my flesh, panting to catch up with reality and quiet my pounding heart.

“Ugh” I ran my fingers through my hair, my skin rubbing against gauze. Ian must’ve bandaged my head after I passed out for a nap. The room was dark, surprised that I had slept all day and that my growling stomach hadn’t woken me up before my nightmare. Hopefully it wasn’t too late to sneak into the kitchen and snatch a few pudding cups without running into Ian or waking anyone up. A strip of light was drawn under my door, eliminating any chances of waking someone up. The long nap hadn’t done much to ease my grogginess, holding onto the bedpost as I stomped, blindly through the room until my hand had contact with the door handle.

“Ian, why is this so difficult for you? It’s been seven years, you don’t have any real feelings for her”

“It’s complicated” cracking the door open, just the width of one eye.

“And how is that? Is it enough to make you forget about the woman who you are going to marry, give birth to your babies, and live the rest of your life with?” Ian’s voice didn’t drift through the hall, a prolonged pause that probably worried Margaret like it startled me. Opening the door slowly and crouching in the doorway, I peered down the lighted hallway with the framed photos of Ian and Margaret sitting on the lake shore or kissing at a crazy party.

“Of course not” Ian spoke, grabbing my attention from the photos that were beginning to hurt. Margaret and Ian were huddled, away from me, on the stairs, Ian hunched over his knees while Margaret was upright with her tiny hands in her lap. Her hair of ebony curled down her back and her skin was the color of pearls. Maybe if I had been that pretty, Ian would have waited for me.

“Then what is it?” he rubbed his hand on his chin, stretching an arm around her slender shoulders.

“Nothing” the pair was silent but the tension was clearly there, feeling guilty in knowing I put it there.

“Just answer this for me. Do you love her?” I gaped, clinging to the door frame with my knobby fingers in awaiting his answer. My heart quickened and my mind was clear, the thoughts waiting to be drawn based on what he said next.

“No. I don’t love her” there was no need to fly my hand to my mouth to stifle sobs when I had already expected and known this answer for the last couple months. My heart finally gave up on reuniting with him, fading until only the cracks Ian’s separation had formed were the only remains that would remind me everyday of the words he had just said. “I’ve never.” His voice was hardly audible, stretching my neck through the crack to listen better. But why did I want to hear more of his commentary? Was it my curiosity or my mysterious drive for pain like my addiction to danger? Or was it my struggling hope for his love?

“But you’re always hanging out with her and—“ Margaret began to sob, leaning into Ian’s side like I had so many times here.

“Don’t cry”

“You care so much about her and it has gotten me thinking”

“Margaret. I only care about you.”

“Then why do you try so hard to keep her here” he rubbed her head, planting a soft kiss on her forehead with a lustful sigh.

“I just feel bad for her. She keeps endangering herself and there’s no one else to take care of her” I flared my nostrils, backing out of the doorway and clicking it shut. “Besides, it’s my fault she was captured. It’s the least I can do. I could care less what happens to her and she’ll move out soon” his muffled voice crawled under the door. Tears slid down my face, rubbing them away, angrily with my fingers “Don’t let her come between us. I love you”. It had been a game of obligation, feeling so stupid in not believing my first impression and having rely on Ian’s words to accept it. I ushered my tears away, so angry for evoking them, as I grabbed my backpack and filled it with clothes and the razor I would be using later. I had never been in Ian’s life to get out of it so it made this easier. It gave me an ounce of pleasure that Ian hadn’t taken serious my intentions of leaving and he would find my room empty the next reason, not realizing I had heard his conversation.

                   Ian had been such a good actor, actually convincing me that he actually worried about me or wanted to talk to me. Hadn’t he performed only hours ago in the car? It hurt so much that everything he had said to me the past months had been threaded along a lie and insipid care. I wasn’t mad at Ian just more in upheaval at myself for believing him. I was nothing to him just as I was nothing to this world.

                  Tying a line of sheets, just as Nick had taught me on a slow night, I felt the rawness of my regret and betrayal. It wasn’t a betrayal at all, just the act of pity I had reveled in for so long. Now I wished the aliens had hit me into unconsciousness and had carried out their plans of torture and death they had set for me because at least I wouldn’t be here trying to mend myself after the damage of my own stupidity and obliviousness with the chagrin on my shoulder.

                   Using the only energy I had, that from the angry pulsating in me, I threw the line of material out of window with the other end tied to my bedpost. I was light enough that the bed wouldn’t skid on the floor or the knot wouldn’t come loose. With the line clenched in my hand, I left behind my gullible self that had envied and waited for Ian’s love and the pain I refused to hold anymore. In this moment, staring up the house at the end of the rope with the darkness cloaking me and breathing my new, independent self, I found no one and nothing calling me back. As tired I was of admitting to Margaret’s words… You’re nothing…, I had to bask in them one more time because they seemed so oddly appropriate for this moment. Being unwanted, unimportant, and lonely didn’t seem so bad anymore and I was gladly going to use it to my advantage in my new life… as nothing.

                 

Author's Note

I'm sorry. This chapter really sucks and is very short compared to the others. It's very corny but I needed something that pushed the story along and was low-key.