CHAPTER NINE

 

CHAPTER NINE: SHAKEN

 

            Etching doodles and singing old grunge songs in my head wasn’t nearly as fun  as listening to Ian bickering at me to eat or talk. It was hard to hide my enjoyment of hearing Ian’s exasperated voice or attempts of chivalry. Some peaks in his tones reminded me of an old memory that I dwelled over for an hour until another memory presented itself, appropriately. Ever since my first raid, there was something unsettling building from the back of my head, unable to dismiss or ignore it. It wasn’t the same as my drive to assimilate danger and adrenaline, that was growing and diversifying every day under Ian’s scrutinizing protection. Nor was it the same as my adamant love for Ian when every second and every comely glance Margaret doled out pulled him ,and any unspeakable chances of being with him, farther and farther away from me. It was a horrible combination with the pain that was still there and hadn’t vanished or even been damaged. There was nothing wrong with me so I overlooked every detail of my emotion and thoughts and dedicated my time to meaningless thoughts.  

            “Sammy, eat this. You can eat this, it’s not that big. You have to be hungry! Last time you ate was breakfast yesterday. How are you supposed to heal?” I couldn’t drown him out when he was leaning in front of me. Couldn’t anything wipe away the desperation on his face?

“I’m not hungry” it was true, my stomach felt hallow but was comfortable and didn’t cry to be fed. I knew what it felt to feel hungry and wouldn’t stand that again.

“How is that? You haven’t eaten for a day! You need to gain weight. If you don’t start eating, I’ll… I’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll shove tubes in your arm to feed you” I laughed softly, remembering when my mom would tell me that before soccer games when I was too nervous to eat. It was nice to remember mom… “It’s just a cup of pudding” he waved a cup of chocolate pudding in my face like he was going to hypnotize me into eating it. “Who cares if you’re not hungry? You know Nick and I eat twenty four seven, sometimes we’re nowhere near hungry” I laughed, taking the cup and spoon out of his hand. It wouldn’t hurt to please him once and maybe it would snap me out of my exhaustion.

“Fine” I peeled back the shiny lid and began dipping the spoon in the pudding, just playing with it for awhile until taking a small mouthful. Ian was watching me intently from the other side of the sofa, leaning stiffly against the armrest with his own cup of pudding that he wasn’t digging into…surprisingly. “What are you doing?”
”Making sure you’re going to eat that instead of putting it down Nick’s pants…like last time. Thus, starting a universal war of pudding chucking and getting me killed by Margaret”

“He had it coming. You joined too, so don’t be pointing fingers”

“I know. That was awesome” I laughed as we both remembered the scene with great dignity. It was a week ago and Margaret was still trying to scrub the chocolate mess off the ceiling. The spoon wobbled in my hand as I giggled, my chest didn’t even tingle anymore. It was about three weeks since my first raid and since then, I was spending my days resting on the sofa while Ian catered to my every need and pestered me frequently on my safety along with constant threats to erase my name off the list. When I had arrived late, it was anything but a pleasant welcome back. Ian had drastically jumped to conclusions, assuming I was dead or had been kidnapped by aliens again. My arrival was casual and only heightened Ian’s anger and relief. My broken rib rocked Ian over the edge as well, only finding out by greeting me with a giant hug and spinning around while I was wailing “LET GO!”. I told him I broke it climbing some shelves to reach an entire row of cans and slipped, completely leaving out crashing into an alien’s shop. The explanation was enough to cover why I had been late.

            Ian’s chuckle faded away, bringing on the silence and something new to us…awkwardness. He squirmed, uncomfortably as he chugged down his pudding, whipping another one out his pocket.

“Ian”

“Yes” he scooted towards me, sensing the tone in my voice. It was the first time I wanted to talk and he was the only person I could ever talk to. My mouth stood ajar, trying to grit out to make the words but was paralyzed by the subject. “You want to talk”

“Just a little” I squeaked, my chest shrinking as I tried to coax the words from out of my head. It was comforting how eager Ian was to listen to me, welcoming his arm over my shoulder as he squeezed between me and the couch. He was careful to arch his body around my chest so he wouldn’t press against my healing rib.

“What do you want to talk about?”
”Can we talk about you first?” I breathed, cracking my knuckles to release the anxiety rising within me. Why was it so hard to talk about the past?

“Alright. Like what?” I didn’t care what we talked about, as long as he stayed here.

“Anything” he scowled, “Problems, things on your mind, something that happened to you the other day” he was perplexed, taking a moment to pick something. He drummed his fingers on my shoulder, swinging his head jokingly with a smile.

“Okay. I have to tell you something and you’re not going to be happy about it” he said, rising his brows with a mischievous smile as he rolled on his side to see me better.

“What?” I relaxed at his cheerful face, for a second believing he was going to bring up something horrible. I copied Ian’s adjustment, rolling onto my side too to see him.

“Okay. Don’t be mad. I begged Margaret to make you the maid of honor at our wedding” I was right, he did bring something horrible up. It was a innocent comment but it was enough to revive the pain I had managed to bury in Ian’s company. Putting on a friendly and astonished smile, I pushed myself to answer.

“What? No you didn’t! She said no, right?” Ian laughed till he hiccupped, rubbing my pouting face. “There is no way I’m being a powder puff maid or whatever you call it. It’s her choice anyways”

“You’re going to have to wear a dress and makeup” he laughed harder, punching him in the gut as I rubbed off the sofa. “Where are you going?”

“Upstairs” he stopped laughing, tumbling off the couch after me.

“Don’t go. Why are you upset?”

“I’m not upset. I’m just…” I sighed, he didn’t understand how complex the feelings juggling inside of me applied to every conversation, object, event, and memory. He couldn’t see how seeing him happy without me hurt me more than anything. It was selfish but just a human characteristic. Firstly, I didn’t want to come into contact with dresses, makeup or heels. The thought was nauseating. Secondly, I didn’t want to be part of his wedding. It would be so difficult to cope, even for him. Was this just some scheme; a test to see if I’d crack and admit to my utter devotion to him. Or was this something to ease some of his guilt. “I don’t want to wear a dress” that was my ‘grand’ excuse.

“It’s just one day”

“I know that’s not what I meant”

“Then, what do you mean?” his pained expression burned, looking down to my feet. Shaking my head was the only thing I could do, growing angry with myself.

“I…no. Don’t force anything on Marge. It’s her wedding… It’s your wedding”

“She knows how much you mean to me. Why are you shaking your head?” Biting down on spit, I tried to compose myself. Don’t be stupid, don’t you dare cry… You’re nothing. Don’t bring up any false hopes. “I want you there on the happiest day of my life” my cheek flinched under the great pressure between my gritting teeth. “It’s the only way it going to be the happiest day of my life” I laughed, glaring at him.

“That’s impossible when you were engaged before I even showed up. You don’t need me there”

“Don’t say that!” he reached away suddenly to hold me, backing up in shock, snagging the rug and falling on my back. The stinging pain blocked my thoughts and blotted out all other emotions. “Sam! Are you alright”

“Yes, of course. This is nothing” I gasped through dry sobs. Rolling on my stomach to get up, totally shunning Ian’s hand.

“IAN!” it was Margaret, not bothering to peer over my shoulder. The tension had my flexibility frozen. “There you are. Let’s go, we have that family tea party in a half hour. You need to get ready.” Ian glanced over to me then back over my shoulder.

“Okay, but we’re talking”

“Just forget it” I snarled quietly “I’ll do whatever makes everyone happy” I ran up the stairs.

“But what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing. I forgot”

“Oh, Ian, Try to get Nick to wear that suit”

“Wait, Sam. You’re upset” he tugged my arm, not daring to look back.

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. Maybe you’re right, I should eat something. I’m getting moody” my voice hardly competed with a whisper, continuing up the stairs as if nothing had happened.

“Oh Ian, it’s not at my sister’s house, it’s at my parents so that’s farther away—“ their voices disappeared as I climbed higher and escaped into my room. There were a lot of words that I wanted to let spill out of my clamped lips but I kept them to myself as I stormed around my bedroom, half angry and half wanting to cry or scream. Ian was so oblivious and every time he made a thoughtless move, it pulverized me, a bit harder every time. It would be soon when I would completely crumble unless I learned to ostracize the past and my love for him or maybe… all I wanted to do was get away, piss off Ian, do something extreme. But I couldn’t think of what to do when my emotions were all transfixed on our conversation.

            I ran to my bedside table, sliding the drawer open where my small dainty ring lay, just waiting for me to wear it. My fingers grabbed it furiously, tears trimmed my eyes, growing more and more agitated with myself by the days, and trotting to my window. The curtains whipped away at my stiff arm, frowning at the peaceful scenery, and opening the window. I took one last look at the ring that had been a symbol of hope and return during my seven years and now was just a stupid teenage token embedded with lies. Destined to love and join.

“Stupid!” I threw it out the window, watching it disappear into the distance and sunlight. “That’s bullshit” I gritted my teeth, closing the window as I tried to soothe myself with lashing words and murmurs under my breath.

“Sam”

“Yes, Ian?” I put my palms on the window panes, leaning forward slightly so the hardly present breeze could roll on my face. I thought of the cold medicine bottle sitting in the bathroom cabinet, already feeling the thick, grape liquid pouring through my mouth and glazing over my throat and waiting until I became groggy enough to not understand my own thoughts.

“Are you alright, seriously?” my lips twitched, focusing harshly on the stagnant mood I would become after Ian left and all I had was the bottle to myself.

“Yes. I’m sorry, that was irrational it’s just…” I spun to face him, his face masked by the shadows lying on the door where he stood. “I’m going through some changes, I think. Sorry. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m doing awesome except I’m being a b***h is all” I giggled airily, my head pounding with Ian so close and where the ring had sat in my hand began to burn and I could feel my heart trying to relocate it through the back of my head. The shadows shifted off of his face as he approached me, grabbing my shoulders as he studied me with contorted eyes.

“I understand. You’ve been through a lot” his lips were ajar “and I’m being pushy. Do whatever it takes to get better” I nodded, staring off into to space with pressed lips “You know I still love you” his heart beat against my ear with me pressed against him.

“Yeah, sure. Now go before you’re late for your party thingy”

“Okay, bed rest while I’m gone unless you want to miss another month of raids” Ian’s face seemed to brighten at that idea, leaving the room quietly with a quick look back before he cut the into the hall. I sighed, sneaking to the doorway to wait of the sound of them leaving. They were going to fancy tea party at Margaret’s family’s house. Ian thought it would be best that I stay home and rest when the real reason why I couldn’t come was simply because I wasn’t invited. I had no resentment, Margaret had every reason and right not to invite me. I wasn’t family.

               I screwed up again, at least in the words of Ian. The sky was morbidly black with smears of glitters. The lake lay stark, quietly wiggling beneath the night’s soft, cool breeze that ran over my skin, leaving a trail of bumps and a shiver. The blood still felt like a hot plate between my thighs, blotting out the thoughts of the act. My desperation was becoming an addiction, but I wouldn’t realize that until it was too late. The cold medicine was no where in the cabinet, Ian must’ve noticed the opened seal and half of the liquid, gone. My emotions weren’t leveling out, only heightening as I searched for something to replace it with and then, stumbling upon Ian’s razor. The blade reflected back my pained face. Slipping the blade out was almost as easy as cutting my thighs with it. Now, I could hardly remember the high that had pushed me to hurt myself, but I could remember how good it felt.

               A snap behind me diverted myself from my thoughts, staring into the black forest but nothing emerged from it so I returned my gaze to the rippling lake, perched on a white boulder. My feet blazed against the icy water, they were so white that they didn’t fade when they were fully immersed in the water, scooting to the edge of the rock to see how deep it took for my skin to disappear and began to imagine what my entire body would look against the darkness and the depth it would take to completely vanish from the surface. The thought was too good to ignore, stripping my clothing and laying them, folded, on the rocks as I skipped from one rock to another into the lake. The last rock was tiny, balancing on one foot before plunging into ,what could have been, the mouth of darkness. It swallowed me, churning over my bare skin. Being alone wasn’t enough to ease me to my comfort zone; it was strange being naked and I circumvented thoughts of someone stumbling on my midnight swimming.

               The water was colder than the last time I had jumped in but this time was more stimulating and heavier. I liked how the cold wrapped around my skin, sucking onto my warmth like a thirsty leech and I loved the way the water cuddled me, wondering if I went deeper, the sensation would get stronger. My rib cooed in ache as I arched my body and flapped my arms to push myself down. I smiled when I imagined myself disappearing from the top, my porcelain body fading into the black. Opening my eyes, I stared into numbing darkness that went on and on, forever. There were no barriers or boundaries, it was open… Emitting from the darkness, an effigy of the Shadow Eater reached towards me, his eyes in fire and his fierce mouth ajar to say something.
”No” I thrashed, sucking water but too afraid of him then death. “Please” my pleas came in froths of bubbles. Closing my eyes, I drifted to the top as I choked on water as I sobbed silently. Surfacing never felt so good, until a flashlight beamed in my face. If only it was the light that was burning my cheeks as I was bobbing, naked.

“Are you alright?” I groaned, closing my eyes that hardly filtered the light or made this situation any less embarrassing or real.

“I’m fine”

“Are you sure, here, take my hand” Ian extended his palm into the light, grimacing as I paddled slowly towards it, debating whether or not to emotionally scar Ian by getting out naked.

“Umm, I’m going to stay in a little longer. So bye bye”

“Hold on. You’re coming home, take my hand”

“But I’m—“

“Like I’ve never seen you naked, now hurry up. You’re going to get sick” this was true.

“It’s August”

“End of August” interrupted Ian, his hand still extended towards me, fingering the air to get closer to me. “Come on”

“I don’t want to go home” I back stroked away from him, giving a harsh kick to splash Ian.

“Hey!” the hand disappeared and the light shook “I never said we had to now” I paused, floating on my back, casually.

“Really?”

“Yes and if you don’t get out, I’m coming in after you” his hand reappeared in the light. Now it was a matter of trust and my will to accept his commands. “All you have to do is take my hand” rubbing my lips, I took his hand, gasping when he lifted me out of the water in the one grasp. My slimy body made contact with his, trying to push away in mortification. It was awkward how my wet skin was under his fingertips, my breasts pressing against his chest, and my legs sliding in between his.

“Ian! Stop it” he chuckled deeply, his hands getting a bit lower than appropriate. “You’re engaged” saying the words was like a painful flick to the head.

“I’m not doing anything wrong… at least not yet” my tucked in hands tried to push him away, I hated when he teased me. At least it was dark so he couldn’t see my disgusting body. He lifted me onto a higher rock, pushing the flashlight in my hand as he tugged his sweatshirt from around his head and handed it to me.

“I have clothes”

“Yeah, I think I kicked them over when I was running over here” I took the sweatshirt, flicking the light off before I handed it back to him, quickly pulling the sweatshirt on that came to mid thigh. It was fuzzy inside but did little to rub off the chills on my wet skin.  “Sorry” he took my fingers that cringed in his grasp, pulling me across the rocks, lighting the way. “Wait” he jumped, landing a foot down onto the shore, placing the flashlight in his pocket and extending his arms toward me. “Jump”

“No, I’ll just slide down”

“But you’ll chaff your bare a*s” I smiled lightly as he laughed, actually considering what he had said.

“Shut up! I’ll kick your a*s so hard; you’ll wish you chaffed yours”

“Fine, but you have to come down to do that” wrinkling my nose, I hopped into his arms, his arm sliding beneath the sweatshirt but he didn’t seem to mind and truthfully I enjoyed it.

“Now bend over so I can kick your a*s” he chuckled, carrying me in the dark, unable to see the light over his shoulder. He stopped and lowered me down onto the shore next to a duffle bag, throwing the flashlight in my lap and dug into the duffel bag, bringing out a lantern and a blanket. “You came prepared? How did you know I was here in the first place?” he flicked the lantern, pulling out another blanket that he unfolded on my lap. He pulled some candles out, thrusting them in the soft earth and lighting them with one strike of a match.

“Nick told me you like it here”  he sat beside me, tucking the blanket around my legs and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“But why did you bring this stuff? I mean… it’s nice. But aren’t you busy?”

“Busy at one at night? Besides, we haven’t really had alone time”

“It’s not that late”

“You’re right—it’s two thirty” that was late, checking my watch to make sure he wasn’t teasing me again.

“Oh sorry. You didn’t have to come looking for me, I would have came back” he shrugged, leaning back still attached to me. The ground was gritty against my wet hair and legs but I didn’t mind lying next to Ian. The candlelight made his eyes wallow into a shine, trying to break my stare.

“I knew that but it started getting late. I figured you were hurt or still upset and went looking for you and decided I’d spend some time with you. Margaret thinks I’m still looking for you” I scowled.

“Don’t do anything stupid that’s going to get you in trouble”

“What? I’m just hanging out with you”

“You know it doesn’t sound innocent” he sighed, giving me a squeeze.

“I know. If only things were normal—“

“Define normal” I put my head on his chest, listening to the thud of his heart beating, closing my eyes in the luxurious warmth. He stroked my head, running his fingers through my hair that had grew in the month I’ve been there. Squeezing my arms around his torso, I tried to remember if I had a more blissful moment than this since I had gotten here.

“What did you want to talk about earlier?” I nudged my head deeper into his stomach, his hand sliding down to stroke my face with the sweep of his thumb on my lips. Fingers knotted into his shirt, fighting the urge to lie to him or run. This morning was embarrassing, still wondering why I had lashed at Ian.

“Some stuff. I just wanted to let you know” I paused, Ian’s hand pausing on my forehead, twirling a strand of my hair onto his finger “that you and Nick are the reason I’m alive” that was part of what I wanted to tell him, I felt obliged to do so.

“What was it like there? What did they do to you?”

“Horrible things” I didn’t want to elaborate, tucking into Ian’s side more, afraid to crane my neck to see the lake and Shadow Eater’s face gleaming in the light of the stars. “It was underground, and I was put in a room. I was their last human and when I found that out, I escaped”

“How did you know?”

“Don’t freak out” I pushed myself off, twisting to see him staring at me confused. “I understand them as in I know their language”

“What” he bolted upright, looking at me incredulously, knocking over one of the candles. “You can understand them. Then… can you talk like them”

“Yes” I clicked, Ian jumping, startled at the sound of the aliens.

“But… how? I—wow”

“They had me in an open cage somewhere before they moved me to the underground base. I was like an animal at the zoo. I listened, took school books from kids, did whatever I could to get to understand them. It came in hand obviously” I sighed, regretting telling him by the way his face morphed into a horrified expression. If this upset him, I couldn’t imagine how disturbed he’d be if I told more. Biting my lip, I curled away from him and sulked away from the candlelight, “I’m sorry” the shadows cut his face, unable to see how the small snippet of my life shaped his emotions. “Don’t you want to go now? I understand. I’m sorry”

“No, Sam. I’m not upset I’m just shocked is all. It’s not even something to get upset over. It saved your life”
”No, you did” it startled me how true these words were, looking through the dark to connect to Ian as my heart fluttered at the dangerous silence. A gust of ice air blew across the water and rustled the trees, shivering beneath the blanket. The cuts on my thigh began to throb, squeezing my legs together to share the heat between both of my limbs. “You and Nick are all I have” I whispered, bunching my knees to my chin and hugging my legs. The silence stretched farther than elastic, wondering when it would break and whip back.

“What else?” Ian scurried slowly from the shadows, back into the light and snatching my hands to put under his chin. His eyes sucked up my breath like a flame devours oxygen, entranced in his stare; I was weak and ready to give myself to his every bidding.

“Like what?” he leaned his forehead on mine, dipping his chin so our lips were nearly touching, my breathing became faster.

“Just from the beginning” our fingers slid together till we were locked to one another by enlaced hands and intertwined bodies. His legs felt warm around mine and the beat of his heart against our hands soothed my heart and breathing. The fact that we shouldn’t have been there never occurred to us like the fact that we were intimately holding each other while he was engaged didn’t faze us. It felt like old times; feeling the warmth of our passion for another, the endless time devoted to whatever we wanted, bastions demolished off our trust, and the disappearance of the world around us. Except it didn’t work that way; this wasn’t the “old times”. Any passion between us had been obliterated or banished, time was not endless but something that was painfully doled out and dragged on till death, trust was extinct and something that required time and painful release, and the world was living and breathing as it pushed hardship and sucked the life out of every being. Only those fit, survived and one can only hope that their love ones make it too. We didn’t run the world, the world ran us.

               “The beginning?” If God had been kind, he would have let me die. It would have been a fair death, my last sight was Ian… My head was groggy and all I could define was the savage, splitting pain eating the back of my head with every movement and thought. Light was like pin dots on my lids, at first, then grew hugely until my entire lid was washed in light. Maybe I was dead after all. Pounding echoed in my ears and soon the sound of clicking came after. The light was unbearable, the sound was getting louder, the pain was heightening, and now my skin was beginning to prickle and ache at the joints. My back, especially, clenched with every steady roll.

“Ian” I spoke, my mouth so dry and that the thirst became an ache. “Ian”. Maybe it had been a dream and now I was waking up in the van next to Ian with Nick in the back already eating his third granola bar. I threw my lids away, wanting to wake up already from this nightmare… only to realize that I was now living a nightmare. Eyes stared at me, but they weren’t friendly since they weren’t humans. Their eyes shone brightly at me, numbly like marbles in a socket. My vision was bouncy, getting up to runaway, only knowing this was bad and not normal. More clicks and some pops rang in my ear, shaking my heart like a never ending earthquake. I ran, falling back from a burn, looking closely to see beams of light green rounding around me into a box. A roar of laughter, so strange and unsettling, vibrated against my prickled skin. Fear… never once in my life until the past couple months, had I ever felt it. When things were normal, I called fear the shriek my sister would wail when she saw a spider or my avoidance of the garage at night because I was alone and it was dark. That had never been fear. This was fear… their laughter built up as I stumbled in my box and couldn’t bring myself to admit it was a cage. I was sobbing, feeling my heart tearing in my chest and the flutter in my limbs. But I hardly noticed these sensations, the fear had overwhelmed me. Then, from the corner of my blurry eye, I saw a man stalk up to me. Looking into the face to realize it wasn’t a man at all, but just an alien.

“NO!” I screamed, my chest burning from one scream, falling onto my butt as I tried to scurry away. “NO! PLEASE NO!” I screamed, my voice cracking, watching it come towards me with an unmoving grimace, holding a pole with blue lightening shooting from the top. “NO!” he didn’t understand me. Sobbing didn’t help, crawling back into the green beams that sent a burn running down my spine. I closed my eyes, bundling myself within my arms and legs. “Ian” I murmured just as I lost hope… “No”

“What do you mean ‘no’? Sam are you okay?” my fingers were sweating in his and my heart was erratically beating up against him.

“No, no. I don’t… no” I stammered, the thought of sharing the horrific memories to Ian, filling his head with the images that I could hardly cope with was something I wasn’t about to do now or ever. “I can’t” pulling my hands free of Ian, I rolled up with my legs sticking to the cold and my breath clinging to the air, making breathing difficult and thicker. “You don’t understand—“ Ian was up, the lights and shadows swiveling as he tried to narrow the space between us when I backed up with his every shuffle forward. “I can’t, I can’t” I repeated, cramming my fingers through my hair when Ian just being here couldn’t calm me down. I could feel the cuts on my thigh wanting to bleed, to feel the air through the caked forming scab, to breath in the pain and clench onto the pain that was already there.

“Calm down. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to” it surprised me to hear this, expecting accusation and guilt waves. He had said something similar this morning, but I hadn’t taken it seriously or thought he meant it. “I just want you to be happy, come sit back down”

 “IAN!” a voice echoed between the trees.

“Sam, come over… WHO’S THERE!” barked Ian, defensively after he wrenched me to his side with a tight grip on my wrist.

“Ian, it’s nothing” pushing him from his tight grasp couldn’t break his stronghold and need to protect.

“There’s still creeps out there, Sam. WHO’S THERE?”

“IAN! SAM!” the voice was closer and more distinguishable.

“It’s Nick” I laughed.

“NICK! OVER HERE!” I called, Ian releasing my wrist as he grabbed a flashlight and waved it over the trees and rocks. A beam of light bobbed through the trees and was connected to darkened Nick, wearing a beanie instead of his usual hood. “Hey Nick!” putting my hand to the approaching, blinding light. I grew relieved he was here to break the start of my breakdown.

“Finally, I found you guys. Margaret is bitching about the time so I had to come out looking for you… what’s going on?” Nick beamed the light over my body, blushing at what he was insinuating and pulling Ian’s sweatshirt harder down in attempt to ,at least, cover my knees. “Oh thank God, you came to your senses. Margaret is no good for you and—“

“What are you talking about?” Ian asked quickly, throwing the blankets and candles in the duffel bag with jittery hands. In the yellow, buzz of the light, I couldn’t see if Ian was blushing as much as myself.  “Stop being weird. We’re just talking” Nick crossed his arms and leaned on one foot as he glowered over Ian scooping the remnants of our “camp” into the bag. The sweatshirt didn’t grow from my tugging, resulting to me standing in the dark, out of the way of Nick’s sight. Night’s soft caress cooled my cheeks and shimmed up my legs and swaddled my torso beneath the baggy sweatshirt in frostiness, quietly chattering my teeth as Nick prepared himself for a comeback. It was easy to see Nick had something to say, I had been around him enough and been victimized by it myself to know. The way he pushed his tongue to the insides of his cheeks and pressed a sarcastic or casual glance on his face while he bulked his fleshless body into a confident or careless stance, were the symptoms to a battle of wits where ones’ word could become ones’ loss.

“Then why is Sam naked?”

“She’s not naked”

“Well how do I know if she wasn’t naked five minutes ago? I don’t care, I just want Margaret out”

“I’m not cheating on her” growled Ian, shouldering the pack and snatching the flashlight from Nick who released it with no arguments but with that same confident stature and aggressive, almost playful, glare. “I don’t know what you’re trying to get at? Nothing happened, we were just talking. I kicked her clothes into the lake and…” I couldn’t believe they were discussing this and Nick actually believed Ian had some attraction to me.

“Why were her clothes off in the first place? Huh?” they began walking through the trees, bantering back in forth as I stumbled against the rocky, thick floor and groped for wrinkled bark to lead, hold me up and help me through. “That’s a bit weird if you ask me. Maybe we should ask…”

“She was swimming, okay? She had taken her clothes off and put them on the rocks. I came along, kicked her clothes off the rocks and found her”

“Then made love to her”

“Shut up!” Ian and I growled in unison, my entire face feeling slammed into a steam bath. Ian snapped his head back, he probably forgot I was following behind.

“Sorry” Ian wrapped an arm around my shoulder and brought me into the light. I didn’t want his arm around me after the awkward conversation and began planning my revenge on Nick. Plus I was still upset after remembering my ‘beginning’. “But, then why are you guys so close all the time?” it was the first stupid question I’ve heard Nick say.

“What do you mean?” Ian’s arm tightened around me “We’ve always been this close. I’m not changing our relationship for anybody. We’re just friends”

“It certainly doesn’t look that way”

               The house was spooky looking in the dark with only a few windows lit and the Moon gazing over as the trees leered in. My teeth chattered to Nick’s pats on his thighs, drumming to some beat that I couldn’t recognize, and Ian’s palm rubs on my back in attempt to make me warm. At the sight of the door, the front porch lit warmly with the bear glistening, I felt relieved that in a few steps I would be warm and free of the awkward conversation that had partaken moments ago.

“Margaret is going to kill you” snickered Nick, sprinting up the steps and rushing through the door, leaving Ian and I still approaching the first step. Silence crawled between us, Ian slipping his arm away and shoving his hands in his pocket.

“Did you really mean that I didn’t have to talk about anything?” my voice cracked, pausing in front of the door, the light glazing over his skin to give him a yellow tint. Trying to remember what I was talking about, he let his eyes drift into space and shifted his footing.

“Oh, yes. I just want you to be happy and not force you to do anything” he smiled “I wish you did talk to me, though” he pushed the door aside, motioning me to go in first.

“I’m sorry about earlier”

“Don’t worry about it. I should have talked to you first” Immediately, I could feel the warmth of the house stimulate my skin, the bumps and chattering easing away as I walked through the hall. Margaret sat on the couch in a silky, pink robe in the dim light of the two lamps. The dimness accented her scowl, guilt ruptured at the trouble I had caused for Ian. “Hey Marge!”

“Hello” she said coolly, prancing off the couch and approaching us with her arms crossed.

“I’ll grab you some clothes” murmured Ian, pecking a kiss on Margaret’s head and ran up the stairs. I looked away once he disappeared up the stairs, returning my glance to Margaret but met a slap to the face. My face buzzed from the sting of the slap, clutching the edge of a side table to keep my balance and looking to the person who had dealt the blow.

“He’s mine!” paralyzed by the act rather than the ache of the smack, I stared at Margaret who had morphed into an infuriated fighter. The hand that had slapped me was now swallowed into a fist and was shaking at me, her lips were quivering and steadying for another word lashing. I couldn’t bring myself to hit or talk back to her, cowering by the table to wait for her to finish. “I’m so tired of your stupid ‘poor me’ act. You’re just trying to get his attention and confusing him. He loves me and we’re getting married” I nodded, too numb to respond in words or feel the pain from her tone and meaning. “You need to get out. I don’t care if you live on the street or be some weird tree lady. Just get out ‘cause you’re hurting Ian and our relationship. He doesn’t love you anymore” she hissed, flipping her glossy hair out of her dark eyes then directing a harsh glare at me. “You’re nothing” it didn’t hurt like it was supposed.

“I know” I murmured, tensing my jaw and looking to the floor at the truth in the words. Margaret kept quiet at the sound of Ian’s thundering footsteps and cheery voice.

“Here’s your clothes”
”Thanks” I snatched them, slumping slightly under the weight of Margaret’s words as I retreated upstairs to leave Ian and Margaret alone.

“Sam, your lip is bleeding” Ian called.

“Yeah, I… I tripped on the rug again and bit my lip” I ran upstairs, locking myself in my room to quickly change, dimming the lights into darkness and sitting on the window sill to suck in night’s breath. The stupor that the chill air was wafting into me couldn’t diminish the words Margaret had said. Everything seemed to fit in except her accusation of playing weak for attention unless I was doing it, unaware. I had never thought I was confusing or hurting Ian, now becoming eager to get out, but where was I going to go? There was no deliberate intentions of stealing Ian back formulating in my head, just the ache to be with him and the need for things to be normal. It was unfortunate Margaret misinterpreted it and decided I would do my best to please her and heal their relationship I was, somehow, demolishing. It disturbed me how quickly I had admitted to her, especially the last part. You’re nothing… hearing it play over and over again amongst my thoughts, the faster it sunk in and became fitted to my stature. I wasn’t admitting to it anymore but becoming it.

Author's Note

SONG OF THE CHAPTER: "Metal Heart"- Cat Power

Reviews

[Ben]

Wow, great job! I really like it! I can't really find anything wrong with it! Keep it up!