chapter 42: where I went

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Chapter 42

Where I went

 

 

 

 

 

     Sobbing and breathing hard as I huffed in my run through the forest. I slipped through the trees with only the slim moon light as my guide as to where I was going. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t care. My mind was too heavy set with the thoughts of, well, life I guess.

     I ended it up stopping when my breath and strength ran out. I was tired and panting as I leaned on a tree to rest a moment.

I looked around to see if I knew where I was. I looked for any sign. It was obvious where I was, although the darkness did shade the area to make it harder to see.

     I ended up in the Wulfin Indian village inward towards the dead center of it. I looked to see a little bit of a red glow on the ground. I walked over to investigate it out of curiosity. I knelt down and saw it was the smoldering remains and life’s end of a fire they had started and never put out. Must have been because they were in a hurry.

I looked at it and had a clear mind suddenly. That didn’t last long. The first thought I had after a few moments of mental peace was, “I think that may be enough fire to burn myself.” It was a pretty good-sized fire too.

     I looked at the rod I held in my hand. I had actually snatched it from the chief before I ran. I hadn’t even realized I did it either. Either way, I had it and a fire to go along. It was all so very tempting being no one was around to stop me. It may felt good, but only after the pain.

     I was so confused. I thought I had beaten this before. In fact, I thought I had beat this more than once! I thought I didn’t need help. I didn’t want any. “I would be able to do it myself” I use to say to myself. But of course no one can ever admit they need help when no one is there to help.

     I gave a faint smile into the darkness and wiped away the tears. “I can control this. I’ll be ok. Nothings wrong with me, right?” But no one was there to answer my question. I was alone. That only made it so much easier to do.

     I sat down in front of the fire. I stared it down, as if it would leave if I won, but of course its eyes only drifted away as ash in the wind. It won I suppose. Then I focused on the rod I held tight in my sweaty palm. I took a deep breath in and then calmly exhaled.

Was I really going to do it again? Was I really sinking so low as to come back to my old unhappy ways with fire, metal, and flesh? I didn’t know. Was I? I asked? Was I! I only screamed at my self. Slipping back as I was…..I had. I was back to there for now. And there was no return yet.

     I was done thinking. It had only gotten me in trouble and caused me so many problems. I did what I felt was right. I let my mind free to do what it wanted. I trusted it would do what was right for me. So I sat there blank, but happy for a moment. I knew if I just let myself do what I had to it would do the right thing and make me feel ok. I sighed feeling the relief, then opened my eyes. I knew it would do what’s right for me. So I stuck the rod half in and then clapped my hands together, shut my eyes, and prayed. And that was all I could remember after that until the next morning.