Chapter 23: Confusion and shattered feelings

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Chapter 23

Confusion and shattered feelings

 

 

 

     The next morning I woke up later than usual, past noon for sure. It felt pretty good though. I never really had a chance to sleep in and relax. Not to complain, I loved doing what I did and living there. But of course, I still had Derek on my mind.

     I rose from the floor and wobbled a little as I tried to stand up. I gained all my balance and reached my arms up high to stretch, showing my stomach as I did. I strolled the short way over to Derek with my eyes only partially opened. I reached down and shook his shoulder. “Derek,” I said, “you have to get up now.”

     He groaned, but did steadily rise from the couch. He put his hand on his back and grimaced with pain. “Oh, my sides feel like they were pelted by stones. So what did happen?” he said, obviously having no memories of it. I had to explain the fault to him. My fault.

     “Well,” I said, trying to figure out an excuse not to tell him. Unfortunately I didn’t have one. “Alright, after I kicked you out, a terrible storm ripped through the forest and flooded the area bad. You were stuck in the middle of it. You were in the valley, which was all filled. You had to try to swim to the new shoreline to me after I found you. You didn’t quite make it and I jumped in the rest the way and managed to pull you through the rest the way. I got you on land and you weren’t breathing and your heart had stopped. I tried all I could and finally you came through. Then I dragged you back home because you were unconscious and I couldn’t leave you there. But you were unconscious again and I just laid you on the couch and went to sleep.” I said very fast.

     “Well it sounds, err, very…heroic….” he said. “No!” I told him, “It wasn’t heroic! Don’t you get it? IT WAS ALL MY FAULT!” I yelled, and everything went quiet. I walked over and out the door. I stood against the cabins wooden wall and looked up. I slid my back down the side until I was sitting on the ground with my head to my knees. I sat there and cried for the first time in a while.

     After about a half an hour, I wiped the tears away and went back inside. I walked straight through and did the chores that need to be done without even glancing at him. Although I could tell he still watched me, but he was silent too. I came in and was gone again.

     I came back later with the weekly fire wood and he was still on the couch. I brought it in and set it up underneath he cabin. I still said nothing to him. He smiled at me as I walked by and I knew that was a good sign.

     Later after I had finished with the firewood, he called me over to sit in front of him. I started to walk away, but turned back around to his call. I kind of owed it to him. He pointed to in front of the couch and asked me to sit. I did so and he put his arms around me. That action made me feel mixed up. I liked it because it was him, but it also made me feel uncomfortable and a bit uneasy. I dealt with it anyways.

     “What?” I asked. “I really need some water.” He said. I thought that was really rude to bring me over to him and make me comfortable and then just ask me to get him something. It was the manner her did it, but again, I dealt with it. I said nothing and retrieved what he asked for.

     Later that night, I decided to try to ask him for something that I needed to ask. “Derek, about the help you said I needed…..” I said in a sweet kindly voice. He turned over on the couch and said: “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” I, sitting Indian style on the floor, lowered my head in regret and replied: “oh, ok…..” even though it really wasn’t. It hadn’t worked.

     I didn’t think our relationship would ever be the same. I thought about it. Maybe it was time to end it before I hurt him anymore. Maybe…. It was over. What was I to do? One way, I only hurt him once more and never again. The other way, I stay with him and he only could end up being hurt repeatedly. I had to think. I loved him, but it seemed like I hated him. I never wanted to leave from him, but there wasn’t really a second choice.

     Things went on normal for him the next day or two, but it was a whole other story for me. The thoughts I was considering were starting to get to me. They were eating away at me and draining me like little leaches. Finally I lost it and decided it was over. I couldn’t bear the burden of it.

      I rushed home and into the cabin, looked straight at Derek and said: “we need to talk. Now.” He looked into my eyes and saw that I wasn’t kidding and meant it. “It’s about ‘us’. It will be no more. I’m sorry.” “But why? I don’t understand Amber.” He said. “I’ve hurt you in too many ways, physically and mentally. It’s over.” I said, and then stomped out the door. I don’t know why I was mad, maybe it was because I had in fact made the wrong decision. But I wasn’t about to reconsider it.

     Later, I did come back. I just really went for my “special swim” for about a few hours. I hadn’t done that since right before I went back to town to confront the person who bothered me. I stopped at the door, took a deep breath, and then walked in with a smile pasted on my face. I dropped it when I saw that Derek wasn’t even there any more.

     “Huh, that’s a little weird. Oh-well, I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” I said, even though no one was around to hear it. Then I called for Midnight to come to me. “Midnight! Where are you boy? Come!” I yelled out the door. I jumped when he showed up behind instead of in front of me. He looked hungry and was whimpering ever so slightly. It was like half begging. So I went and got him some of the deer meat leftover from the night before. He enjoyed it a lot. First he played with it a lot, and then he lay down and took chunks off.

     After he finished, he licked his paws clean, stretched as long as he could on the floor, then got up and went to the corner of the room. “You’re not even going to come to me you little snob?” I said to him. He picked up something with his mouth and actually did come to me. He jumped on my lap and I gave a little yelp. He had some sharp claws and weighed a lot more than he did as a puppy.

     “Man have you grown! What’s this you have here boy?” I asked him. There was a piece of paper in his mouth. I tried to take it from him, but he ripped the corner of when I yanked it out of his mouth. I shoved him off my lap and he ran out the front door, which the wind had blown open. The latch was broken and still hadn’t been fixed yet. I knew Midnight would come back eventually.

     The paper was soaked in slobber and ripped a little. I shook it off and tried to read the smeared letters on the note. It looked like Derek’s handwriting. It was on a regular piece of paper, nothing special, but the words were. I squinted hard and concentrated. I managed to make out “dear Amber,” but that was all.

After a while, I did happen to decipher the note. It read:

 

Dear Amber,

 

 

     I’m leaving here. I don’t think I’m wanted here anymore, so I find no reason to stay. I’m going home. Obviously you don’t want much top do with me, and your silence helped me figure it out. I still love you though. I hope you can figure all this out. I don’t know what else to say. That’s it. So long and good night.

 

Love,

 

Derek

 

     “He’s gone……….” I said in shock. “He left.” I just couldn’t believe it. He just left. His note gave no reason as to why. I cried, just dropped back to the floor. I had another “thought session” where everything I thought seemed to be against me and, metaphorically speaking, beat myself up over the stupid things I had done.

     I screwed up and didn’t think I could fix it this time. I had it so great with Derek; there really wasn’t anything wrong. I think I made the problem. It was all too much to handle. Even though I was technically an adult, I was still only eighteen. All my energy was drained then. It felt again like the leeches had come and sucked me dry again. Just All my happiness and will to do anything. A few hours and the forced intense thoughts finished me off. I just wanted to sleep and dream all this away. Of course though, I knew that wouldn’t work, it’s just what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, it was never just that easy.

     It was dark; I was pathetic and bound to the floor by my own fears and anguish. I slept there. Not much else I could do. The only thing that kept me warm that night were Midnight, the thoughts of Derek returning, and the circle of flames around me I could have sworn were really there.