I tried

When the light finally shown
She was already gone
I tried my hardest
I dug the farthest
But nothing was good enough
The shear strain
The unyielding pain
I tried.

Reviews

[Cory Barrett]

Sometimes all we can do is try, and in the end it results in a good poem.

[Margo Seuss]

Hmmm, I like what you have going on here. I would change the word shown to shone ( as shown doesn't ryhme with gone and I think that's what you may have meant anyway). I really like 'I tried the hardest' ' I dug the farthest.' I think this poem could be well worked into a great lymmerick ( where the first and last lines ryhme and the middle two line ryhme). That would require some more serious reworking as a line after 'I dug the farthest would have to be inserted and then, beginning at 'But nothing.." would likely be a new stanza. Here is an example of how you could rework the first part into a limmerick:

The light shone; she already left.
I tried my hardest,
I dug the farthest,
Now nothing can fill this cleft.

The above is a mere example of what you could do. Another suggestion I have would be to separate the unryhming lines from the poem ( just put a space between them and the poem). 'I tried' and 'Nothing was good enough' are two sort of dramatic lines. Separating them may add to this feeling ( or not)! Give it a try and see what it looks like if you want.

I like what you have going on here and I think this poem could be truly spectacular with a little work.

Margo Seuss
Courtesy of the Constructive Critics Group

ah.... the feelings and emotions from the perspective other than the woman...honest.. raw and truth.Nice job

[Jennie Baron]

I agree with Penny about the word "shown"...but I liked this poem because it's so profound in its brevity and simplicity and its truthfulness about life. Thanks, Jack, for sending this one my way.

[Jack Kennedy]

You're welcome! "Stew" is actually a personal friend of mine from school and I'm just helping him out... Glad you liked it and I'm sure he is too.

[just Penny]

Full of deep emotion in such a short piece. I'm not sure about the word "shown" on the first line and wonder if something like "rose" or "dawned" or "showed up" or appeared" might work ? I think it's true that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, nothing is ever good enough. I liked your poem :) Penny

[Bowers]

A very deep, emotional piece... great write!

[Stew]

Thank you much!

[Jack Kennedy]

BEAST WORK AGAIN KEEP IT UP!!

[Stew]

Ohh Jack you're too sweet!