Girl

A letter

Every time I try to write this to you it turns into a giant apology letter because as of the time I am writing this I am still very much a child, just as you are. How can a child raise another child? So before anything else, I will ask you to forgive me, because your life will be so far from easy or simple.

Rely on your father. No he does not love his cars more than you. Yes I understand how you feel.

Do not come to me if I am screaming. You don't want to see anything that might lie beyond that closed door.

Learn the difference between your own thoughts in reality. You think this is easy, it is not.

Learn early that your pain is useful to you, but I beg you not to get comfortable in its embrace.

This is how to find role models who are not me. Find someone who is not on tv but who doesn't have the scars that I have.

This desire to destroy yourself is normal, but that doesn't mean it's okay. We've raised a masochistic world that enjoys hurting itself to try and achieve a broken dream.

Always remember that everyone is in pain. See the pain in their eyes and let that connect you. Never take their actions at face value, there are so many layers underneath that cannot be seen. You can't see half of the layers of paint that went into a finished painting.

Learn not to judge because while you are the protagonist of your own story, they are also the main character of theirs. You cannot read their story and you don't know what led them to where they are. The world is a library of stories you'll never read but every single one of them is important.

Learn to love everyone. Love them so deeply that there is no room for hate. Remember to see yourself in their eyes. Never forget their pain.

Don't be blinded by your own pain. Look outside yourself. See what your actions are doing to others. Help them. Reach out to them. You may be in pain but that doesn't mean you can't try and take away theirs.

People will hurt you, but that doesn't mean you should give up on them. Our family does a lot of things but it doesn't give up. And when you think you're going to give up I'll be there to help you go on.

Don't stare too much at people's scars. We all have them. I have more than you will ever be able to count. People are not their scars. We change, we improve, and we are left with a faintly aching memory of a wound that was once open.

I will apologize to you over and over again, because when you feel pain I will believe it's my fault. Deep pain runs in my blood. They call it depression, and that blood will most likely be passed down to you.

Learn to let your passions soothe you. Write instead of cut. Sing instead of burn. Run instead of throwing up. Draw instead of skipping meals. Learn to succeed where I failed. You don't need this pain.

And I pray, I plead with whatever higher powers there may be that you don't become too much like me. I hope you don't see the things I see. The things that don't exist. Don't, oh please don't, let yourself be held prisoner by your own mind.

If there is one thing you should not doubt it is that I love you. That is why I apologize. I love you so much I wish you never had to go through this pain, this pain I feel I've inflicted on you.

Be strong. Trust in yourself, in others, in god.

I'm sorry I couldn't be a better mother.

Reviews

[Stanley R. Teater]

Thank you for sharing your story. I have three teenagers in the house, so I recognize the pain being expressed in your letter. I especially like this part of your piece: "Learn to love everyone. Love them so deeply that there is no room for hate. Remember to see yourself in their eyes. Never forget their pain."

Very nice.

[NathanielAlexander]

I really loved reading this, one of the best pieces of work I've read in my short time here. My favourite part was when you said 'We've raised a masochistic world that enjoys hurting itself to try and achieve a broken dream.' such a great line. Overall it raises great points and certainly reminded me of the tribulations and worries that have infiltrated many of our minds during darker days and do linger within.
Great work man!

[Christopher Miller]

This is the most constructive thing I've read on here. Your response to the pain in life is beautiful, and you seek to pass it on like the treasure that it is. The Gita says the reason for our suffering is to gain the wisdom to wish that others don't suffer. That wisdom is echoed here.
The metaphor of the painting ran deep for me, one of those that takes on a life of its own. I think about all the strokes I've made in my own life that no one will ever see, and at the same time it reminds me that is so with everyone. It's easy to forget, making it a useful image.
I very often compare our lives to stories. actually it's more accurate to say that's what I see life as. We can't pick our setting, only what kind of protagonist we want to be with the one we're given, and what kind of character we want to be in the stories of others. Again, I love the metaphor.
I don't have any constructive criticism. This is everything it's trying to be, and doesn't need any improvement. It's a heartfelt call to love in spite of all the pain life offers, and the world needs more of it.

[Jibey]

This is both moving and perceptive... a mother's heartfelt advice based on experience... No mother can do more.