Excerpt from a BAR SCENE

I'm currently working on a piece, written from three perspectives, describing the events one drunkennight at a bar; this part is towards the beginning of the night, written through the eyes of a creep

He looked exuberantly plain and exceedingly desperate, from my perspective at least, and that being the one that matters, I’d also have to admit the sudden swelling sensation that occurred inside me once aware of something this gorgeous�"like relief at the first signs of dismay, how the f**k could you overlook something this terrible (and obvious)? The kid had something about him that imitated the spotlight on a scene so pathetic, so unaware, yet so attractive in terms of exemplified prowess and demeanor, one couldn’t laugh, or barely breathe if they concentrated hard enough. I’m sure that is the vibe he gave off to the majority of people in the bar. As the night progressed, and he sat there alone, it grew extremely hard not to notice him. If it didn’t have something to do with how much he was drinking�"exponentially excessive�"it had to be his underlying arrogance, because nobody wears their distorted feelings on their sleeve like this self-indulgent character. To be more exact, if you weren’t careful enough you might get caught looking at him, and with a start, immediately look away. You would then have a strong desire to attempt a second glance in which you hoped he wasn’t still looking so that you could simply stare. But he was always still looking, if only partially discreet and with resonating distance.

In this particular case I got caught doing just that, and with growing curiosity too. He was looking right back at me; this kid’s eyes told me at once that his attempt of a personal perspective, based on over-wrought insight and pure damaged analytical perception of self-worth, was just wrong (the opposite of mundane, incorrect and completely off subject). It can poorly be described as a cocktail containing cockiness and vigor, and why not? It made perfect sense to me, for he looked about 21, and he just wouldn’t stop drinking.

 This moment was interrupted by a sight even more impressive, if that is possible, and to this he turned away from me to welcome it like their roles were reversed. Seemingly, out of the darkness, and extracting from it all expensive beauty which can be afforded in a statement so misunderstood and provocative, came a girl, a young woman, who spelled out the word intimidating with her elegant poise and raw premonition. She obviously got what she wanted, at all times�"and with this attitude she approached this story’s initial character, who sat at the bar still; and at the sight of her the recognition that someone else was truly alive seemed to occur to him; and at the sight of her, he smiled.

Flattering Danger, Open Mind, Flagrant Persistence, Ardent Vibes... These were the things she was looking for. Like when you look back on a situation pretending you’re someone else for matters pertaining to perceptive, or go through the options in your head, she’s out there doing whatever the hell she wants, but in the most respectable way of course. It was in a way that the realization of a paradox brings upon an understanding that things aren’t as complicated as we tend to make them, and that we do so more to bring entertainment to a situation or to ourselves, that this girl made obvious the boys superfluous and exaggerated demeanor. I couldn’t put a finger on it before, but now it was plain to see; he wouldn’t shut his mouth and I could tell that he was losing her interest. She looked rather indifferent to what he was saying although it seemed to be backed with impression and not of an uninspiring subject.... It seemed, however, as if He would have been more effective if he simply sat there and communicated with his eyes, and even if he didn’t listen to a word she had to say, and acted uninterested, that it would have worked better towards his motives, whatever the hell they had been. This is supposing he had any motives to begin with.

This underlying ambiguity was the problem here. Like the marring of subculture with exquisite taste, everything certainly took a back seat to this kid’s insatiable appeal for another drink. And in this particular case, this might have been his saving balance, for when he downed another drink, there came about him what seemed to be a sort of opacity, and he shut his mouth and zoned out completely. One could not possibly know what terrible thoughts that pour soul was thinking. Suddenly, with a look around as if he had just awaken from a trance, he beamed at her and he laughed. A horrible smile ripened his expression, and he moved slowly towards her mouth with a feverish look; He touched her leg and then her face and then he let his hand slip slowly from her cheek, bit his lip, laughed again and with a quick motion to which she let out the slightest pant, he went for his cigarettes and retired the scene; there was something terribly wrong with this kid and it looked like she liked it.. a little too much.

Author's Note

Yeahhh.. ignore punctuation please, its still a bit messy. I'm going to edit once I finish the ENTIRE piece (50 pages total as of now)

Reviews

[Exsanguination]

Thank you.. I should probably go ahead and edit.. I like to write in stream of consciousness and I sacrifice fundamentals for capturing creativity as it flows unhindered. I realize it makes it a hard read though

[Jack V.]

Not much, the story line keeps you in it. Therefore the story can have its errors and not lose the reader entirely.

[Exsanguination]

This is certainly the most...umm boisterous? Personality of the 3 characters I incorporate. In my opinion, my writing styles take a back seat to my twist at the end. I can't wait to finish it completely.

[Jack V.]

I look forward to reading. I've subscribed so keep clicking.

[Jack V.]

It's a good start... grammar needs some work as you mentioned. But I like it.

[Exsanguination]

I'm glad you took the time to read it. It certainly flows better when accompanied by the rest of the story. I can't wait to check your stuff out! In due time, my friend

[Jack V.]

thanks bunches!!