Things

A Poem by John Doe

Things I remember about growing up.

Opened eyes to a clean hospital with shiny metal and blood everywhere it was all over the place I don't remember but there it was the lights were off in the hallway as I walked visiting mommy the next child is on the way I was more excited than ever a friend finally and the hospital was clean but the lights were off in the hallway at home and there was a mattress against the wall in the dark lying on my father's chest listening to Mozart falling asleep and there were two people from the toothpaste box and they were smiling I climbed on the piano and ate lip ice because there wasn't any candy and it tasted sweet f**k we were poor I played with dust and made smoke like a God I had power over earth even if I could just pretend I was making a pile of sand burst into flames I saw that show I shouldn't have it gave me nightmares for weeks but I did it because I was alone again my friend put her hands in my mouth and scraped the roof it bled but I didn't cry my brother did that awful thing to me God I hate him and sometimes You but it passed and I found that magazine when I was much younger than I should have been and I saw those girls all the way until I was nine clean the back of your car for f**k sakes I shouldn't have seen it clean my brain I sniffed that powder I was eleven years old and scribbled on the bathroom wall and celebrated that birthday with two candles in a bowl of oats and a family that loved me I hate your laugh f**k you I don't know what that is I wish you never told me my friends are older than me I shouldn't have done that or that or any of it you should've never left me with him alone f**k you I'm okay with my dad I love him made me do things to be a better me and it worked mostly spent every day behind that glass in that f*****g pool training only eight years old every day even holidays and Sundays that older kid strangled me I didn't tell my parents that kid took my cricket bat I beat his face in it bled on my hands and it made me happy I hate him it's mine we moved to another country again nobody here can speak Afrikaans I hate this school we can't afford shoes until the end of the month tinned food every night for a month listen to the crows they're breaking into the car skin peeling off my back God why all my friends are leaving f**k it's gross and it hurts no skin at all just sores and blood can't lie down at night learn to play a new song guitar bumps my chest it burns because there's no skin there I don't want to sleep here tonight it's far from home and I don't trust you one day I'll grow up and also get new presents on Christmas I don't want a cardboard puzzle this year I want a toy car I know we need petrol money I'm tired I want nice clothes like the other kids I'm sorry I took his toys I wish I had my own no we'll have ice cream at home but I know there's no ice cream at home there's nothing at home one day daddy will have more money I believe in him and I trust God pastor said I have a great destiny but he told the other kid the same thing f**k I hate you all you need to see the psychologist no I want to play with the other kids they all sit around the table looking at me I'm being suspended they don't care about me f**k you all of you I f*****g hate your guts and I'd give everything I have to see you burn in hell for everything you did, every last f*****g one of you.