Success is Scarier

A look at success versus failure and which one is truly easier

In most ways, success is much scarier than failure. So what if I get all F’s? So what if I miss that pass in volleyball? All that means is that no one expects anything. She’s going to miss the ball, so I’ll just get it instead, they think. She won’t get into any colleges, they’ll think. No one expects anything because you set the bar really low. If you achieve something, it’s unexpected, a welcome surprise. And if you don’t, well, no one thought you would anyway.

But success is different. If you do well, people expect you to continue to do well. The 4.0 GPA should stay, you should still be the star of the team. When you don’t study enough for that test and get a D, people are disappointed, because they expected you to do well. Your teacher asks you why you got the low grade, but there is no reason except you failed. You aren’t having a hard time, you just simply underestimated how difficult it would be. For once in your life, you were not a perfect student.

This isn’t just true for things easily measured, like grades and team scores. This is true for things that cannot be counted. Creativity is not supposed to be something you can fail at. As a child creativity is encouraged, and it is a place where you cannot be wrong. But it’s not really true. There is bad music. There are bad books. There are bad paintings. This fear of failure keeps my gut in a tightly clenched ball, because I’m a failure. Unless you ask my mom. I’m not a failure in school. I’ve had a 3.9 GPA all of high school, so don’t tell me I don’t work hard. I do. But creatively, I’m terrified. I never want to share my writing, for fear it’s bad. I never want to sing a solo, because maybe my voice will crack.

So I don’t. I write on this computer and only post on Wattpad, because I don’t have to talk to actual people about my work. I only sing in my room by myself, and even when I try to actually sing, not just jokingly, I hate the sound of my voice. So I pretend I don’t care. I pretend I’m fine just reading, I pretend I’m fine just listening to music, never singing on my own.

So congrats to all the amazing writers, the people with amazing voices, the people unafraid to show the world their talent. I wish I was you, and I wish you all the best. You’re awesome. Keep up the good work. I need something beautiful to absorb here in my box.